The Questing Knight

The Questing Knight
by Marina Kauffman & Conan White

Like any other knight, he had had both his good days and bad days.... and this was turning into a bit of both. It had all started promisingly enough: a pretty maiden in distress, a dragon and a noble deed that needed doing.
Well it would have been okay if it had not been for the Dark Leprechaun turning up unexpectedly and the unfortunate incident with the knicker elastic...... sigh

The knight had been very busy all morning on the quest of the moaning dragon. The dragon seemed to make the most awful sounds that distressed the villagers greatly. Well what was a knight to do he was their only champion and it was his chosen profession.

So that morning the knight packed a good lunch as quests is a hungry business ...

But there laid the first of many disasters that would beset the noble knight that very morning; the lettuce was limp, the ham soggy, the bread was far too moist...... in short he had a hole in his thatched roof and the rain from the previous night had leaked into his parlor.

Then he could not find his favorite sword (he settled for a double headed battle axe instead) and as he was leaving his humble dwelling he was accosted by the town gossip (a Mrs Veronica Twiddlefirst Hardbottom) who wanted to share with him some particularly juicy information about the town virgin and her wimple.

Eventually the knight was able to make his polite excuses and finally set about his quest to slay the moaning dragon or at the very least get it to be more quiet .

A Knight: 'A warrior of noble birth who carries out noble deeds in a noble fashion with noble intentions'.
As he approached the shaded forest he suddenly heard a very loud something. The knight listened again but could not decide what it was. It was definitely not the dragon as that was another type of sound indeed. It was a rumbling sound, like thunder and it was close by.

The knight was on his guard, this morning had a series of interesting events, and he hoped it was not that annoying Leprechaun again as he thought he had settled that matter once and for all over a particularly tense game of croquet. Unfortunately it meant he had to part with the apple pie that he had received from the kind Lady at the Wishing Well, but he could not deal with a disgruntled leprechaun and decided that parting with his treasure was a small price to pay. Now he was not so sure as he realized where the sound was coming from.

It was in fact coming from a certain patch of thin air in a meadow beyond. There was nothing there, but still the sound persisted. It sounded like a large, flute playing Elephant blended with the sounds of many matching feet.

He gulped heavily.... it could only be one thing......

He approached cautiously as he did not want to bring attention to himself, slowly moving through the light underbrush, and ducking behind trees. His double sided axe disturbing what could otherwise have been known as graceful movements, as he approached the sound become more distinct

It was now more like the sound of twirling ballerinas wearing large, heavy ,over sized boots dancing on a castle's gravel drive..........

Unknown to him the moaning dragon was hidden nearby. You see the moaning dragons had a distinct trait, they were natural ventriloquists and used this skill to lure unsuspecting people into situations where they could sneakily ambush them.

Also a commonly misunderstood fact was they were not called 'Moaning Dragons' on account of their depressive nature (though as a species they are indeed prone to depression), but due to their name being derived from Goblin:

'Mooaningk' meaning 'The large flame breathing one with many voices' .

Meanwhile unknown to all, a fairy was perched high above on a well covered tree branch, eating daintily from a small jar of raspberry jam, watching with fascination as the world went by on the road below.

A Fairy Tale: Not to be confused with when bored Pixies super glueing false tails on to unsuspecting Fairies. A Fairy tale consists mainly of a Fairy, a good hearted knight and a quest involving finding something and slaying something (but these somethings are never the same somethings).
The thing that was getting all her attention at the moment was a strange large dragon that was hiding behind a tree, who was seemingly trying to lure a knight into a open meadow by trickery.

So engrossed in this unfolding event that the fairy very nearly toppled off the branch as she tried to get the best view possible.

As the knight approached she could make out he was indeed a very handsome knight as far as knights go, and he was gleaming in the sunlight in his silver armour. The fairy thought that he must be feeling terribly hot on this very sunny day. She felt compassion for the knight as he approached the dragon and realised that he was walking into the trap being set.

But here lied her dilemma, the fairy folk had long ago swore not to involve themselves in the fate of mere mortal men as so often in the past it had led to trouble of the worst kind.

But still she could not help feeling sorrow towards the noble knight below. Suddenly her mind was made up. Now of course she could not interfere with the natural order of things but that was not to say that the jar of jam next to her might not roll off the branch, with a helping nudge, and fall shattering below, thus warning the knight.

So, so it was, with a slight nudge and the jam jar fell and shattered directly in front of the noble knight. The knight jumped back startled and was even more surprised when moments later a very angry looking dragon jumped out from behind a large bush. And he was even more surprised the more he thought about it. He had always assumed that dragons breathed fire, not got angry and throw jam jars.

Now, most people overlook the fact that from a Dragon point of view foraging for food is not about simply wandering around your local supermarket and picking up a little something for dinner. Though it is true that like cans, knights come fully encased in a metal outer body, what is often overlooked is that your average can of spaghetti hoops does not run around angrily waving a sword and refusing to be eaten.

So this particular Dragon was getting increasingly frustrated over the way his dinner was being so cautious about entering the meadow and then it start to rain jam jars all of a sudden. Well one in fact, but he feared many more might soon follow.

Coincidentally the Dragon was thinking much along the same line. At this the Dragon could not help but think if there was going to be more, would that be classed as a flock of jam jars or maybe a school of them? And if so, was this going to ruin his well laid plan of leaping out and grabbing a quick bite to eat?

Thus there stood both the confused knight and a very hungry, but also equally confused dragon. The knight stood at the ready wondering what to make of a jam jar spewing dragon, and that reminded him that he did not have breakfast that morning due to his soggy lettuce and he was very hungry, could he get the dragon to spew some more as the jar was fairly small, and the emptiness in his stomach seemed to be quite large

And would it be too much to ask for a side order of crumpets and a freshly made pot of Earl Grey tea or was that hoping for far too much?

Meanwhile the Dragon was growing impatient and thought 'O'damn it' and did what only a Dragon would do.....................

Dragons are very peculiar creatures when they have not eaten in a while and his stomach has been grumbling for a very long time due to the fact that he had not eaten much, a few berries is not enough to satisfy a large and growing dragon as himself. His stomach made a terrible moaning sound as in protest of this terrible injustice being done to it, and flying jam jars only reminded him of his plight, so he proceeded in the manner of a dragon of his stature and standing in the dragon community...
Now this particular dragon had unknown to anyone, had a particular phobia and it concerned jars, not just jam jars, any kind of jars; Pickled egg jars, chutney jars, you named a jar and he was indeed terrified of it.

Just the mere mention of a jar brought him out in a cold sweat, the sight of one sent a shiver down his giant spine and having one thrown at him would bring on a severe panic attack.

You see, it all went back to his childhood, as all phobias tend to do, one day when he was a baby dragon he had wandered out of the cave when his mother was distracted and had wandered deep into the forest before he had stumbled on some human children running around with butterfly nets and empty jam jars.

Being young and naturally curious he had moved closer for a better look and the next thing he knew they had captured him and placed him he in a jam jar along with several butterflies.

He remembered the terror at being confined in that transparent cell, the constant fluttering of beating wings surrounded him as butterflies circled about him and if it had not been for one of the children's clumsiness in his eagerness to inspect him, the jar may never have been dropped, allowing for him to escape as the jar had shattered on hitting the ground.

Consequently he had developed a irrational fear of jars and butterflies that had followed him into adulthood. He had once hidden in his cave for a whole week when he thought he had spotted a butterfly nearby.

So here he was, facing his worst fear, that of jars. He flexed his claws and bared his teeth, trying to be as courageous as possible, but the scattered jar in front of him threatened him, while his own fear taunted him, which was hardly surprising as fear birds always had an attitude and took every opportunity to belittle him in front of his enemies.

Fear Bird: These are small raven-like birds that perch in a dragons mouth when it is resting and by scavenging between their teeth. This relationship is therefore mutually beneficial to both bird and dragon, the only danger is if the dragon belches the poor bird may get incinerated. Their name is taken from the fact that logic dictates they must have no fear to live how they do. Fear Birds, probably not surprisingly, have a bad attitude due to the way they live, but is what is more surprising is they verbalise this constantly to the dragons and probable the reason they are not eaten by a disgruntled dragon is they naturally taste foul. Hence the Orc saying:

'Fear is a bird that taste fowl'.

Goblins refer to the bird as a 'Black Pecker' or the 'Too stupid to realise what they doing' bird.

.........to be continued