I wanna go back

I wanna go back

 

I wanna go back to 93,

Saturday evening - May 15^th

 

in Mick Byrne’s bar

in Castlebar

 

just Carolyn and me 

and a black and white

twelve inch screen showing

Niamh Kavanagh singing

In Your Eyes

to Euro glory

trouncing Sonia

 

Carolyn tipsy and so was I,

drinking rum chasers

sipping ‘the black’

twenty to the pint

and rolling joints

with Zig-Zag papers

 

we sat up close,

squeezing arms, stroking thighs,

sharing crazy plans and dreams,

laughing and kissing

 

it was left unsaid, but understood,

we’d have sex later in the van

 

Carolyn wore a Turkish hat

and had the look about her

of a startled faun

 

we were not  in love

but we were in fun

 

feckin’ marvellous roistering fun

 

I wanna return to ninety-three

I wanna see Caz again

 

we were glad to be alive back then

 

Easter 1994

 

camping at the Cliffs of Moher,

the views were spectacular

the Twelve Bens of Connemara

to the tip of County Clare

 

Carolyn reckoned she saw Kerry

but that was out of sight to me

 

she sat by the campfire,

gazing into the flames

and up to the stars

conducting an adagio

with a glowing wand

 

she walked to the cliff edge

 humming ‘om’ in time

with the rumbling tumbling

waters below

 

‘mind the edge. it’s a long way down’

 

‘I won’t go over by mistake’

 

it was a dark rum night

of dark night thoughts

 

Carolyn asked,  

‘can I trust you?’ 

‘you know you can’ 

‘you will betray me - it's in your eyes’

 

she had my number,  

I would cheat on her,

I would not want to,

but life is life

and I am weak

when it matters

 

next morning

her coat damp on the cliff top

and a scribbled note

flapping under a shoe,

 

“you’re good, but not good enough”

 

I wore her Turkish hat

for weeks in memory  

mourning Caz,

but mostly

sorry for me

 

over the years

I’ve glimpsed her often,

taking strangers’ arms

in city streets,

 

‘sorry, mistaken identity’

 

I wanna return to 94,

camping at the Cliffs of Moher 

I wanna see Caz again

I was glad to be alive back then.