I Am Her Fool

Can’t you please stay out?
I understand that you had to go,
But couldn’t you have taken all of you?
Everybody disappears one day.
I thought for a moment you might stay
A little longer.

Hot chocolate apologies,
Late night betrayals.
Crossing the street without looking,
Stuck searching the phone for signs.
I scold myself, rewind myself,
Berate myself for thinking you could be so different.

I’ve been around long enough,
Flirted and fucked, twisted and
Teased.
I know there’s no answer that
Would satisfy,
Nothing you could say that would
Return me.

These last six years have been
Killing me,
And yet, despite my best efforts,
I remain immortal.
Eternal.

My desperation grows that much
Deeper.
My hatred grows crimson,
I continue to keep a log,
I will bring to Heaven,
And we will match grievance to sin,
Deciding who owes whom forgiveness.

And yet,
I am calmer now.
It’s almost better, or at least
More interesting to
Grind myself down against you
And all the others that came before.
I like to try and rise up through the ashes.
I am a great fool,
Simple Coyote playing at being a Phoenix.

Memories are starting to slip away.
I still remember her eyes were blue,
But I can’t remember what shade.
It’s for the best, I think.
Because I’ve lost some of my attraction for pain.

I still send gifts, though,
Late at night, when I should be sleeping
Sometimes I send a Raven,
To help her with the dead.
Sometimes I send a Wolf,
To keep her warm and safe.
Sometimes I just send his Howl,
To remind her of loneliness.
And sometimes I send her nothing,
Because nothing is what she left with me.

I have an artist’s vision,
But a poet’s mind.
Her beauty first caught my eye,
But her tragedy trapped
My heart.

I thought our signs were the same.
Now I know that the sun has shifted his belt,
And nothing will ever be the same.
I am filled with sorrow and pain,
Anger and rage, and for all my self sacrifice
And slow suicide,
I am still immortal and cannot be slain.

I have been a fool.
I have fallen in love for the last time.
I will disappear without a sound,
Remembering that a small group of children miss me,
And the world is different because of it.

She was born behind another
Unexpected, she is the song of stars
Hidden from others
Only I can see her clearly.
She is my myth,
My unicorn
And I am her fool.

Post Scriptum:

I love being a fool,
Laughing in the face of danger
And certain doom.
I admit it’s difficult to exist
Not wanting this to end,
While all the while assuming it will.

The warnings have been the same
For centuries.
“Beware the Coyote, he may be
Dangerous, or malevolent.
Or perhaps simply mad.
Being with Him is opening your life
To disorder.”

The truth, as far as I can tell,
Is this;
There is a hidden world within me,
One that will remain removed until
Someone who can map it for me.
Someone outside of me,
Someone who loves me.

I know this to be
Truth.
Because I have never been a fool
In love.
I entered honestly,
Pursued it honestly,
And no matter how small you try to make me,
I am still Coyote.