VILE SMUT

 

 

VILE: … Oh change the channel will you, this is really depressing.

 

SMUT: No it's interesting, don't you want to know how Uzbekistan is dealing with the crisis?

 

VILE: I didn't care about Uzbekistan before the outbreak and I don't care about Uzbekistan now. Change the channel, maybe there's a pirate station broadcasting their last stand.

 

SMUT: (Flicking through) No its just the usual winging. You'd think people would be a little happy, now that everything is lawless and all. Everything is free.

 

VILE: Yeah they're just moping aren't they... although, now no one's going to make any new stuff any more. We're just going to be left with the old shit. I'm stuck on Iphone 4 like, like forever: its crazy.

 

SMUT: So Dirty Harry will never get the final flick it deserves?

 

VILE: No, unless you count Miller's the Yellow Bastard.

 

SMUT: No one counts the Yellow Bastard.

 

VILE: (Giggles) Hey that's a point, celebrities will be going through this as well won't they?

 

SMUT: Yup, all the shitty ones anyway. The talented pricks will all be sent to some tropical island to repopulate the human race.

 

VILE: So Professor Green?

 

SMUT: Dead.

 

VILE: Gordon Brown?

 

SMUT: Dead.

 

VILE: Jamie Oliver.

 

SMUT: Fucking mega dead.

 

VILE: You don't like him do you?

 

SMUT: No, ruined my school meals. Bastard.

 

VILE: Well hopefully he'll be ghoul chow by now.

 

(SMUT looks over his shoulder to the zombies banging on the glass)

 

SMUT: Persistent aren't they?

 

VILE: (Eating crips and changing the channel) Yup.

 

SMUT: You think we could train them as slaves?

 

VILE: (Gives him a look and swallows) What?

 

SMUT: You know, like at the end of Shaun of the Dead but on a bigger scale. We could have an undead Empire. They're not smart, it'd be easy to chain them up.

 

VILE: One: that's racist to my people.

 

SMUT: No it sin't what you on about-

 

VILE: And two: sure these ones aren't smart, but what about the specials?

 

SMUT: (Covering his face) Oh don't say that.

 

VILE: I'm just telling it how Left 4 Dead foretold. Super zombies, its a concrete possibility.

 

SMUT: (He shakes his head with a smile)... What I want to know is, if all humans get eaten. What's next on the menu ? Dogs?

 

VILE: Sure, either that or... (places hands together with wide eyes) the next stage.

 

SMUT: Of what?

 

VILE: (Calms down) I dunno, Necro evolution, aw zombie dinosaurs! That would be so hype! (Begins roaring lazily).

 

SMUT: Wouldn't that be devolution?

 

VILE: (Shit eating grin) No it wouldn't. Devolution is the statutory granting of powers from the central government of a sovereign state to a government at a subnational level, the term you're looking for is evolutionary regression. – (slaps his leg) – Mr Haynes Sociology 1 till 3.30, Ms Top's 9 till 10: you know I attended em!

 

SMUT: (Sulks) Whatever.

 

VILE: (Smug) Thought you were all smart didn't you? Mmmnnn, no sir...

 

(Both sit watching as screams come from the TV)

 

VILE: (Yawning) I'm hungry.

 

SMUT: Go get something to eat then.

 

VILE: (Moaning) Aw but the stash it all the way on the other side of the centre... go for me.

 

SMUT: Fuck that.

 

VILE: Oh come on you're supposed to be my man with the plan, show some of that go-getter attitude and get me something nice (Pats him on shoulder) Go on, go. On your way. Giddy mow... (SMUT doesn't shift) well at least come with me.

 

SMUT: (Shaking head) Safer to go at night, low visibility. You don't know anything, haven't you ever played Splinter Cell?

 

VILE: I don't play boring games, I'm hungry now. I'm going to the stash. Are you coming?

 

SMUT: (Sighs, then gets up) Fine but if I get killed, I'm going to haunt the shit out of you.

 

VILE: Aw that's sweet (Gets out ashotgun, and gives an axe to SMUT. Unlocks all the bolts on the door but one) You ready?

 

SMUT: (Nods) Let's get brunch.

 

(VILE opens door and zombies swarm in, wading past SMUT and VILE to go to the TVs like moths to a flame. Like English people on the underground the pair walk between the people trying to get past)

 

SMUT: Scuse me, mind out, just going to squeeze in there.

 

VILE: (Giggles) What are you doing, they don't respond to manners.

 

SMUT: Well that's just how my mum raised me, right and proper.

 

VILE: Are you saying my mum didn't raise me right?

 

SMUT: Wow.

 

VILE: Because I might remind you I have the shotgun here.

 

SMUT: That's an air rifle, Vile.

 

VILE: Yeah, have you ever been shot by one of these? It really hurts, so quit disrespecting my mum's home etiquette.

 

SMUT: I have the real weapon, I should be the one making demands.

 

VILE: You have a real melee weapon, but you swing like a girl.

 

SMUT: You wanna try it?

 

VILE: What you saying fam?

 

(Both jokingly try to confront each other with the zombie mass blocking their path. Eventually the way clears and they begin the walk to the other side of the centre)

 

VILE: I would mash you up.

 

SMUT: Yeah right- (a series of gunshots startles both of them. Suddenly the zombies rush to where the sounds are coming from)- oh shit survivors, hide!

 

VILE: Yo (Each clamber into a large trash container while the horde runs into the stream of gunfire coming round the corner. Both breath heavily as the sounds continue, then grow stoically tense as the noise ceases) – Aw fuck me sideways.

 

SMUT: Its fine there were too many zombies, they definitely overran them.

 

VILE: Yeah?

 

SMUT: Yeah... (The two listen intently, eventually footsteps can be heard and then voices. VILE gives SMUT an evil look)

 

VILE: (Whispering) Oh they definitely overran them did they, Smut? Is that what happened?

 

SMUT: (Whispering) Shut up.

 

VILE: (Breathing heavy, on the verge of tears) Oh shit, I don't want to die here.

 

SMUT: You already died here.

 

VILE: I mean really die... not like this, not in a bin box... (Hearing them, a survivor opens the lid. Both put their hands up)

 

SMUT: Don't shoot we're human!

 

VILE: Oh please don't shoot us, least not in the bin!

 

SURVIVOR: (To her comrades) Guys we've got uninfected! (Looking at them again she corrects herself) Wait a minute you are infected! (Raises gun)

 

SMUT: Nonononono listen listen hear us out. We are infected, but for some fucked up reason we're not like... you knowzombies like the others. We're still intelligent.

 

VILE: Because of Jesus.

 

SMUT (Nodding) Because of Jesus, (then looks at VILE) no wait what? (looks back to survivor) Never mind never mind, the point is we don't eat people -

 

SURVIVOR 2: (Shout from across the hall) Everyone Come here quick, there's a whole stock of uninfected bodies in the freezer. Oh fuck, how did they get like this? They've even got tags on them! Vile? Smut? What the hell is this?! (SURVIVOR, notes the pair's nametags. VILE and SMUT swallow).

 

SURVIVOR: (Cocks gun) You sick fucks.

 

VILE: I swear they were like that when we found them.

 

SURVIVOR Yeah right, any last words freaks?

 

SMUT: Absolutely, (glances to VILE) don't worry mate, I'll get you that brunch you wanted, be it on a heavenly platter or (lunges at SURVIVOR) BRAINS!

 

(VILE follows suits and the camera blacks out to the sound of gnashing and gunfire).