VILLAINS! 1

START

(SCENE 1. Darius Castle Night. Low light on DARIUS sleeping in armchair with a treasure chest somewhere near him (MAGE FOOL behind armchair). Enter STRIZAD and THALLIAH who proceed to sneak past him. Upon STRIZAD's whispered urging THALLIAH opens the treasure chest with her family key and the pair hoard the treasure into a sack. Before the two exit, THALLIAH glances back at the sleeping DARUIS and leaves a note beside him. Morning comes, full light up. DARIUS wakes up and stretches out his arms with a yawn before looking to the treasure box and smiling).

 

DARIUS: (Fondly) Hello darling, good night's kip? (He opens up the box and lurches back, horrified to find it empty) Oh, oh by all the devils! No! (He furiously begins rigging the servant bell) Thief! Heister! Burglar! Help ho, servants ho, the house of Darius has been robbed of all its treasure! Quaaab!

 

(Enter QUAB with candlestick)

 

QUAB: (Walking) All right, all right I'm coming. (To herself) By my bowels I never should have got him that bell for his birthday. (stops DARIUS ringing the bell). So what is it, the castle under siege again?

 

DARIUS: Far worse my wretched goblin maid, I have been robbed of all my worldly goods. Some night cat has broke in and left the once bounteous Low Lord Darius no better off than a stinking peasant. (He wails).

 

QUAB: (Goes to inspect chest) Oh come now it can't be all that bad (Opens up chest and suddenly steps back) Whoah, you were robbed blind, huh?

 

DARIUS: You see? I am done in! Oh what have I ever done to deserve such a base act to be inflicted against me?

 

QUAB: Well you did burn down that farm last winter because you thought their lamas were looking at you funny.

 

DARIUS: Apart from that.

 

QUAB: And there was that time you flooded the Iron Mountain's tunnels to see if the Dwarves living in them would float to the top.

 

DARIUS: Yeah excluding that.

 

QUAB: Plus all the times you've whipped us servants purely for being poor. Come to think of it, I'm surprised you haven't been robbed already. You're a constant nob face.

 

DARIUS: Hold your tongue girl lest I chop it off and use it as a paper weight (She goes quiet. He settles) Fine, there are plenty of reasons why someone would want to rob me. I am the famed Evil Low Lord of Oppai, menace to heroes all across the realm, scourge of the Siredom-

 

QUAB: (Mumbling as she picks up the letter) You also smell of cow pat...

 

DARIUS: Shut up! The point of me being the baddest baddie there is: is everyone's supposed to be too scared to raise a hand against me. Thus whoever did this - (indicates to the Chest) – must be even more vile than I. Some dastardly cur oozing rotting wickedness I wager, a chain mail hand, a black eye path, maybe one of those scars that would've worked on a handsomer man -.

 

QUAB: (Having read the letter) It's your daughter.

 

DARIUS: What-what-what!?

 

QUAB: Here, this note was left by her. (Clears throat. Enter STRIZAD and THALLIAH to voice the letter, QUAB does funny stuff while miming reading)

 

THALLIAH: Dear father, I can't bare living with you in the castle any more. I never wanted to be a Lady of the Court, but throughout my entire life you bullied me into doing what only you thought was in my best interests. Thus I've decided to run away with Strizad in a flourish of teen rebellion. I know you've always hated him for being but a simple thief but I've known Strizzy and I were destined for one another ever since we first met in the fish mongers. Years from now when we've settled in Londres and I'm a famous artist, we'll have five perfectly perfect and beautiful babies that-

 

STRIZAD: Did you mention the treasure?

 

THALLIAH: (Sudden outburst) Yes I was getting to that Strizad, by the Kraken's Jaws will you quit nagging me and let me finish this letter?! Plague!

 

STRIZAD: Sorry sweetheart.

 

THALLIAH: (Calms down) About the treasure, you've no doubt noticed by now we've ransacked your chest to pay for the ship to Londres, not to worry though I'm sure we'll be able to pay you back over the course of the next twenty years... though you'll probably have died from old age by then. So on second thought we wont bother. Your woefully wealthy daughter. Thalliah.

 

STRIZAD: P.S There's no point trying to hunt us down, since...uh... I've brought my trusty cloak of untrackableness with me. Oh and I sort of nicked your collection of antique handkerchiefs in a bout of kleptomania, so there's that.

 

QUAB: (Yawns, having stopped reading) Well, isn't that something. I'll just leave you to sort this out then (tries to leave).

 

DARIUS: Stay. (QUAB groans and turns around) I will have my vengeance upon these uncouth youths. Cloak of untrackableness or no. I will hunt them down like crippled bunny rabbits. The fool girl already revealed they were headed for Londres. The only way to get to that Grey Isle on foot is through the Mourning Wood, and then on to the Mouth of Plym coastline. It'll take them at least three days. Plenty of time to catch up. But many men do I have at my disposal? Quab, draw out the Revenger scroll! No that's the Elder Scroll...no those are the Dead Sea Scrolls... there, that's the one.

 

QUAB: (Gets it while mumbling complaints, reads through it and shakes her head) Hmm few men to speak of and fewer to show. Most of your legions are enrolled in one or more of the Sire's four campaigns.

 

DARIUS: Four campaigns? Last I checked Oppai was only engrossed in three.

 

QUAB: Yeah but word came in yesterday that the Jade Elves have amassed an army of invisible Dragons and are keeping them in their...er... gold reserves. Another just war, it seems.

 

DARIUS: (Hand wipe down face) Yep, that makes about as much sense as it should. To hell with the Legions then, we've enough good men sleeping in these halls to ball up a search party. Where's the Captain of the Guard?

 

QUAB: (Worried) Surely you don't mean to bring the Dread Knight with you my Low Lord? We still haven't fully cleaned up the mess from the last time you let him out.

 

DARIUS: That I do, and stop calling him that, his name is Sir Gnashing.

 

(Enter SIR GNASHING with his sword Sharpy, overly cheery and covered in blood)

 

SIR GNASHING: Hello! Sorry I'm late, had some trouble getting past the servants, nothing old Sharpy couldn't wade through though. What's the problem old chap?

 

DARIUS: That damned thieving commoner Strizad has gone and made off with all my riches!

 

QUAB: And your daughter.

 

DARIUS: Oh yes her too, we're forming a search party to seek them out.

 

SIR GNASHING: Oh what jolly good fun! Reminds me of my childhood manhunts, I'll have the men up and riding within the hour. (Notices QUAB) How do Quab, still attached to that spleen of yours?

 

QUAB: (Scared, nods hastily) Very much so Dread Kni – I mean Sir Gnashing.

 

SIR GNASHING: Drat, ah well: if you ever change your mind be sure to let me know.

 

DARIUS: Right that's the search party sorted then, now all that's needed is the home entertainment system for the long ride. Call forth my Mage Fool.

 

(All three cry out Mage Fool for five seconds, stopping when DARIUS calls out 'Mage that has a part time job as a fool'. Enter MAGE FOOL from behind Darius' chair, slinking onto his lap like a cat)

 

MAGE FOOL: (Tired) Oh why doth Lowy wake me so, at such an early hour? He knows my magic is much improved, after I've had my daily shower. (Quab hands her the note and she reads).

 

DARIUS: We are headed for the Morning Wood Isolator, you'll find plenty to wake you up there.

 

QUAB: Um, when you say “we” you are only referring to the non-peasantry right?

 

DARIUS: No, I mean you too. Who do you think is going to carry the horses when they get tired?

 

QUAB: Oh plague... (Picks nose)

 

SIR GNASHING: Morning to you Mage Fool, I dare say legs are so overrated in this modern age of mounts and carriages, mind if I saw yours off and beat the nearest orphan to death with them?

 

MAGE FOOL: Raise your blade to any limb of mine and you'll find yourself morphed into a most blood thirsty swine. (To DARIUS) I do wonder Lowy why ever hath, you given Knighthood to this psychopath?

 

DARIUS: It was either recruit him or slay him, and no one had the stomach for the latter job (Looks balefully at QUAB). Enough of this (Rises, MAGE FOOL gets off) It's time we be going: we've a long journey yet (to Chest) Fear not my sweet: I will see you healthy yet (kisses it).

 

SIR GNASHING: Hurrah! A noble quest it is!

 

MAGE FOOL: (Whacks SIR GNASHING'S middle with note) What message are you sending? We be four villains on the task to erase a happy ending.

 

(LIGHTS OUT. Exit all)