God's Plan

And I allow these rocks to be firmly placed into their needed position for my very few people to have a home.

 

Thank you, Father.

 

Now, I cannot communicate with you all. I can only communicate with you, Edward.

 

Really, Father?

 

Yes, and I expect you to follow that with heart. Do you understand?

 

Yes, Father.

 

Spread my words. Please.

 

“Attention people of the Cathedral!”

 

The Cathedral? What are you doing?

 

"Mandatory meeting every seventh day! Or thy shall be put to death. Our Father just told me.”

 

Father, that sounds ridiculous.

 

I know. I did not authorize this.

 

With no answer, one must assume you are listening. I hope you are. I shall follow your words.

 

Lying must stop, Edward.

 

“Attention peoples! Our Father just told me lying must stop! He said that those who lie shall be put to death!”

 

What? I don't have room here for all those spirits. Stop.

 

“Attention peoples! Our Father just told us that there is not room in Heaven for all of us! Only those who are sacred and clean.”

 

Um...Edward?

 

Yes, Father?

 

Could you stop lying to the masses? I never said any of this. They will have no idea how to keep up with all your statements.

 

You are right, Father. You are always right.

 

No. I'm a scientist. There will be mistakes.

 

No mistakes, Father. I understand. I shall put all your words into a book. Then I will have the people follow the book to the death. There will be no mistakes.

 

Edward! No!

 

“Attention peoples.”

 

You have to be kidding me.

 

“Write down my exact words, for they are the words of our Father.”

 

Am I going to have to send someone down there to fix this?

 

“Attention peoples!”

 

Jesus! I may need you soon! Clear up your schedule!

 

“He will send a Messiah. This Messiah shall be born in my bloodline. If any man not in my bloodline states that he is the Messiah, they shall be put to death! Let us say, on a cross to mock how much he is sacred.”

 

Hey! That's sexist. The Messiah could be a female.

 

“Anything a female does is incomparable to a man. The woman's job is to keep the man happy!”

 

What? Where did...? What?

 

This sounds wrong. But I am a woman. I am always wrong.

 

Damn it! No, Sarah.

 

“Our Father just told me to damn Sarah to an eternity in Hell. I must assume it is because of her gender. Women are not allowed to pray without their husband. If so, they shall be put to death.”

 

Edward, I swear to Me, I will smite you.

 

But, Father, I am your only method of communication.

 

See? Mistakes. You have to have children so I can smite you and hopefully your children aren't dicks.

 

“Attention peoples!”

 

Oh no...

 

“Our Father just ordered me to have children. Send all women to my Courtyard. If the child does not have the genitalia of a man, the women shall be put to death.”

 

Are you kidding me? I feel like you don't actually hear me. I expected this to work out much differently.

 

“Attention peoples! Anything different is wrong! So anyone who doesn't follow this holy book by heart shall be put to death.”

 

Yeah, Satan? Edward will be going down to you as soon as I find a replacement in his bloodline. Sorry, bud.

 

“Build a city around the Cathedral. Name it Edwardton. Name the Cathedral's courtyard the Courtyard of Edward. I am ruler!”

 

How does...? What?

 

“Because God said so!”

 

Oh, of course! Because I said so! Right! How could I have forgotten. I did no such thing. How dare you.

 

“So start building.”

 

Edward, this has gone too far. Like, way too far. I'm going to have to ask you to recant.

 

Listen, you needy dick, I am making the world perfect. I don't need anymore advice. Look, holy book. And it's perfect.

 

I barely know what's going on in it. It is too confusing. Nowhere near what I wanted for this place.

 

Please stop criticizing me. God damn it.

 

Edward, you know how I feel about that phrase.

 

Yeah, and I put those emotions about the phrase in the book, too. See, all you wanted. But now I have a wife and I'm happy. So obviously, you're happy with me. So screw you, Dad.

 

Alright. Last straw.

 

What are you talking about?

 

Your wife is now dead. Maybe if you're good, then I'll attempt to reincarnate her soul.

 

Nope.

 

What?

 

Reincarnation isn't in the holy book. That I wrote. This is my world now.

 

What are you doing, Edward?

 

What I should have done weeks ago.

 

Edward! Get off that alter! And take down that rope! 

 

Now you can't fix this. You are the destroyer of worlds. They will mock you for ages!

 

Edward, you destroyed the world. It's not my fault you twisted my words.

 

That's not what the people will think. Just wait until the misinterpretations come. I think I hear a stoning happening as we speak.

 

Edward. You have to the count of three to get down. I swear, I will send you to Satan with no chance of coming back.

 

No.

 

Edward. Don't make me...

 

Do something about it. Smite me.

 

One.

 

Let me just tie this knot.

 

Two.

 

Three.

 

Edward! Edward! Don't jump! Damn it! Shit!

 

King Edward is dead!

 

No! Please! Can anyone hear me?! I have to fix this! I messed up! I messed up so bad! I knew I gave this creature too much free will. I mean, Adam messed it up on the previous planet years ago. I come to Earth and expect something different. This time it's worse! This time I have no control! Damn! Come on! You can't be serious! Hopefully this works out...