Goldilocks (IP)

‘Hey Goldilocks!’
Without thinking he turned around and punched the speaker in the face, sending him sprawling.
‘Don’t call me Goldilocks.’ He growled, noticing for the first time the uniform the man wore. Immediately after that he noticed the other two uniforms and then the guns pointing at him. He put his hand up slowly, ‘Err, you’ve got the wrong man?’ He ventured hopefully.
The speaker climbed unsteadily to his feet rubbing his jaw, ‘Don’t think so matey; you fit the description. Besides you just assaulted an officer so you’re under arrest.’

He wiggled the loose tooth and spat a gobbet of blood on the floor. When they’d taken him in he’d managed to fall down the stairs a couple of times – a minor miracle in the back of a police car but there was a certain measure of satisfaction; he hadn’t fallen down those stairs alone; one of the officers had a busted nose from a head-butt timely delivered and another would be walking with a limp for a while.

The door of the interview room opened and a man and a woman walked in. He gave the woman his winning smile but she ignored him – it must’ve been the bruises. They sat across from the table.

‘Goldilocks Smith?’ The man said slapping a file down on the table.

He leaned forward, ‘You can call me Lock, you can call me a bastard or anything else for that matter but if you call me Goldilocks one more time I’ll make you eat this table.’ He leaned back again smiling dazzlingly at them both.

They looked at one another. ‘Are you aware of what you’ve been arrested for, Mr Smith?’ The woman asked, glancing at her partner.

He smirked at her, ‘Nice try; why don’t you tell me?’

‘A man matching your description was seen exiting the residence of one Mr Harold Bear. It was later established that the home had been broken into and some ahh, damage was done to the furniture as well as some items stolen.’

‘Oh that.’ Goldilocks smirked again, ‘I didn’t damage any furniture; I shat on his bed, puked on his son’s bed and on his wife’s bed I—’

‘We know what you did you sick pervert.’ The woman snarled.

Goldilocks smiled again, ‘the stains will wash out I’m sure.’ His brow furrowed, ‘I never stole anything though.’

The man opened the file, ‘Six tins of caviar, two pounds of fillet mignon, twenty six oysters and two bottles of Napoleon Brandy.’

‘Oh those; I got peckish while I was waiting for the Bears to come back.’

‘You consumed all of that?’ The woman demanded increduosly.

‘Goldilocks grinned, ‘Why do you think I needed a shit? The caviar and brandy made me sick and the oysters, well they made me very horny.’

‘But why did you break into The Bear’s house in the first place?’

‘The door was locked and it was raining.’

‘Funny, what reason did you have for being there?’

‘Well, you see it’s like this, I sent my book to Mr Bear’s publishing company and he said it was totally unreadable so I wanted to have a word with him about it.’ He leaned forward, ‘And he thought my name was funny...'