Tich Witch and the Mad Musician

"Tich Witch and the Mad Musician"

A Mad Fairy tale for Grownups,

Tich witch lived in Shoreditch with her husband, the mad musician and
their three children, Doubtless, Dauntless and Deliberate. They were a
strange family. Not one of them were as they appeared, Tich witch had
never wanted to be a witch, she had aspired to be a woman, married to a
banker, living in a large semi-detached, with two cars and two
children, a well behaved small dog and a canary. Her husband had longed
to be a classical composer, living by the sea in Lewis, watching the
waves beat rhythmic tones on the shore and here he was a drunk jazz
musician with a family that he had little recollection of creating and
some suspicion that they had nothing to do with him at all.

As for the children, they had no desire to be part of any of this, but
very little choice as they were. There was no dog and the canary came
in the form of a parrot that had been abandoned at the school after a
production of "Long John Silver" and Dauntless had felt sorry for it
and taken it home. It lived in his bedroom and was great company for
him as it spoke more sense than anyone else in the house in the opinion
of Dauntless.

The house in Shoreditch was very, very large. This is because Tich
Witch had discovered how to increase, but never to decrease. So
whenever she wished for more room, she got it. Therefore the house had
now the proportions of a mansion, but only if you were inside it. The
three children had magic powers and one of them, they could never
remember which one had cast a spell that made the house from outside
look exactly like the others on the council estate where they really
were living. Shoreditch was the place; council estate was the name of
their reality. None of them wanted to live there either, reality I
mean.

The story goes as thus.

Tich witch came from a long line of witches and wizards. They started
off in Lincolnshire but found the land too flat and wended north and
southwards for centuries, finally returning to Lincolnshire in the
latter part of the last century. Tich witch arrived then; she insists
however that she was BORN in 1928. This was confusing to her family as
she sometimes told them things about when she was young and it seems
that she met Queen Victoria on several occasions and describes her
outfit and what hat she was wearing and what she said to the Queen,
Tich witch would often tell the tale of how she saw the first ever
Christmas tree go up in Trafalgar Square and how she travelled on
trains that certainly were not the kind that her three children had
ever seen or heard of.

She called her three children the "THREE DEES". Doubtless was the
oldest, uncertain of what that meant as Tich witch was never sure of
how old any of them were. Sometimes she was convinced that they were
older than her and at others told them that they were not old enough to
understand. So Doubtless was only certain that she was the oldest as
she could remember the other two arriving.

Her mother Tich witch, bought her brother, Dauntless home in a bag, she
said she had found him under a gooseberry bush and no one else seemed
to want him, so she thought that he would be happy with them. Dauntless
was a quiet chap, always worried about Tich witch and any animal or
person he thought was having a bad deal. He was always rescuing birds
or mice.

Deliberate was the youngest, or rather the last to the family. She
arrived on a cold February morning. She arrived when they were in
Manchester, in a hotel. Mad musician was out playing a "gig"; the
family were staying in the hotel and Deliberate made her appearance
then. Doubtless and Dauntless were not very impressed with her as she
ate a lot and followed them around everywhere. She seemed to have eyes
all over her head and no matter what they were doing she discovered it
and wanted to be part of their gang, or whatever they were doing and
worst of all Tich witch thought it was reasonable. So the two older
Dees thought up all sorts of ways of getting rid of her. This is before
they discovered that they had magic in their fingertips.

So here is this odd family at the time of Deliberates' arrival. Tich
witch had spent several years not using her witches powers much, she
wanted to be normal as was possible and only used them at the times
where she wanted something that she could get no other way. At this
time she was determined to live with the world in a quiet inoffensive
way and find this semi-detached by fair means. However, she was finding
that every time Mad musician went out he came back drunk or, worse
still he came back with his friends and he and they were drunk and made
all sorts of scenes and messes that she was not prepared for.

This was not what she had seen when she fell in love with the
sensitive musician at the dance she had gone too. He was playing on the
bandstand, he played the double bass. He was fair and romantic, she was
dark and desperate. She wanted to leave home and he wanted to fall in
love and move to Lewis and watch the waves. She wanted to leave her mad
mother, and move on to glorious things like a washing machine, a
garage, and a car. She never took him to meet her family, why risk
ruining the opportunity of a lifetime. He saw this small dark girl
needing someone strong. There was no one else around at the time so he
assumed it must be him. She said she had never felt like this before,
he said she was music to his soul; she said that that was beautiful, he
said he wanted to make music with her and she said that that was
beautiful. At this time she had a limited vocabulary, he made music,
she told him that she was going to have a baby, a baby what he asked.
Your baby she said and he said that his music would go on, that he had
made more strings to his bow, and she said let's and he said let's
what? Get married, she said. They got married, after all she might be a
witch but this was England and she did not want the neighbours
talking.

So married they were, in a registry office in December of the year
1946. Tich witch was ecstatic, she was on her way, she was going to
leave the world of crazy spells, of toads and black cats and enter a
world of calm, houses, coffee mornings, chats of a genteel
nature.

Mad musician was confused, he had gone to Lincolnshire to play with
the band, fall in love and talk poetry. He had left with a little wife
and the promise of another addition. He could not for the life of him
think how this had happened. Still the woman was pretty, it was strange
that she insisted on being called Audrey when her name was Florence,
but he accepted that and after a very short time was calling her Tich,
she was so little and he used it affectionately, he introduced her as
Tich so that after a while no one knew that she was Audrey, really
called Florence. She was just Tich, the wife of Edward, the Musician.
The Mad part came later.

So here they were this couple, she dreaming dreams and he amazed at
how things kept happening. He enjoyed his drink at this time, it was
what everyone did after all and, it helped him be creative, his best
music was written when he had had a few, unfortunately it was written
in his head, played through his hands but never put on paper, but h was
convinced that this time would come. Great work was in his soul. He
wrote poetry to Tich and she kept them. He wrote in purple ink and told
her she was the light of his life, that she was the moon and the sun,
that the light would not go out of his love and she asked him if they
could move to a bigger house. He was bewildered, surely she saw that he
was creative and sensitive and that the weight of a house was more than
he could bear, he needed space, not responsibilities. It was enough
that a child was going to be coming. She remembered what he had said
about bows and strings but couldn't remember what they meant. She would
have to resort to using her magic powers.

She "found" a flat in Belgravia. It was empty, she told Edward he
could make music there, she had no idea what this meant, but it worked
and they moved in. She got a white cat and decorated the whole place in
white, using some old spells her mother had thrown out. Edward was
impressed, this woman could do wonders with little, he had only given
her a very limited housekeeping, after all he had worked hard for his
money and deserved a drink and the more she coped the less he gave her.
She was, he discovered able to conjure up something from nothing so why
spoil it.
Deliberate was the last of the children to arrive in the family. Up
until this point Tich witch still believed in Edward and his dreams,
alright he was not a banker, but she was working on that. She was a
great believer in potential and she saw the potential in this man.
However he did not. He could not get excited about working in an
office, or wearing a suit. He said that his soul would be crushed, that
his need was to be free. She said that this was great but what about
the future, the bills the children, the world the universe and he said
he was going out. They had real problems communicating and the three
Dees saw this as well, so they decided that they had better sort the
situation out. At this time they were innocently unaware that they were
the offspring of a witch and a genius, (a combination which was to
cause them all problems in later years.)

Doubtless decided, after negotiation with the other two that she would
act as protector to Edward, she after all was the bow and string,
whatever that meant, Dauntless felt that he would be good at protecting
Tich and making sure she did not bite off more than she could chew and
Deliberate said that as she was the youngest she could not do much. The
children were about seven, five, and three at this time and no one took
them seriously at first, but gradually Edward realised that Doubtless
was really interested in his thoughts and ideas and would wake her up
drunk, at three, in the morning to tell her his innermost thoughts and
she was always smiling and seemed to be pleased that he had taken the
time.

Dauntless had a harder job as Tich was wanting to look after him and
he knew he had to be clever and find a way to help her, so he started
to tell her she was pretty, smelt great and loved her food, as she only
cooked two things this made it a little difficult at times, but he was
a enthusiastic soul and soon was able to deliver a variety of
encouraging noises when served with spaghetti bolognaise four times a
week. Tich was impressed at how well mannered he was and what a
delightful young person he was becoming. She was worried about the
oldest though as she was keeping late nights and spending a lot of time
with Edward talking about music and the meaning of life and as she was
only nine this had to be watched, she was concerned that the neighbours
might notice. At this time Tich had had a lessening of her magic
powers. This was because she had not gone to Top Up classes for a while
and was still using the old spells and inevitably they were getting
thin and shoddy and required updating, because she did not want the
neighbours to know she was a witch, the classes were run in London and
as she had no reason to go into central London, she did not go. This of
course led to all sorts of problems, like she could not update the
currency spell. She was always completely upset whenever new currency
was removed or introduced as she could only make florins and half
crowns. She kept producing the old five pound notes and had a couple of
uncomfortable moments in the local butchers with these. As well as
being out of fashion she never had learnt the ones to do with children,
after all she had left Lincolnshire to go to London and tried to have
as little as possible to do with her family and she did not hang around
the witches discovery groups, so she was parenting by trial rather than
by going through the class method. This caused other problems, like
once she was showing Doubtless how to knit; she was getting rather
frustrated and said something like "Kiittily bittily, knit me a
littley"? and the needles started to knit themselves into a sock.
Doubtless was stunned, Tich horrified, she had not intended this to
happen and spent a week insisting that it never had. This confused
Doubtless who was sure it had, but at the end of the week, was not so
convinced, Tich worked on this method with all of the Three Dees,
whenever some unexplained event too place, she said it had not. So they
felt that they should go along with this and they too developed a way
of believing that things did not happen.
Dauntless would drop something it would break and he would declare
that it
had not happened, that he had been in the other room at the time, that
it was mysterious and nothing to do with him Deliberate would raid the
fridge at three in the morning and then deny that she had eaten
anything, she got fatter and fatter and declared that she had glandular
trouble and hardly ate a thing, she was found with her head in the
fridge and said that she was inspecting the interior design and was
insistent that it had nothing to do with any plans she might have had
for eating.

Doubtless believed for years and years that she was the daughter of
another family, that this was all a horrid dream, that she and her
father Edward had come from another planet and found themselves cast in
with this strange group.

Tich decided that she had to hone up her witch skills whether she liked
it or not, as the financial situation of the family was becoming dire.
Edward was drunk most of the time and doing weirder and weirder things.
People were starting to comment on how strange it was that at night
there were obviously some odd people going in and out of the house,
that the parties were raucous and the police were becoming frequent
visitors to the house. Tich enrolled for the course and told the
neighbours and the children that she had got a job in London working as
a receptionist at a health club in Knightsbridge. That she would have
to travel everyday on the train from the station and would not be back
until the evening. Edward was pleased as this would take any pressure
off him about money and he slid back into an unconscious stupor, the
children were all concerned for different reasons, Deliberate as she
knew that she would not have the protection of Tich now and Doubtless
and Dauntless would tie her up as they had threatened for interfering
all the time, Dauntless as Tich was not, he felt wise enough to travel
by herself and hold down a job and Doubtless as she knew that she would
be cooking and taking responsibility as she knew what Edward was like
even though she did not tell anyone.
The children had nicknames, De, Da and Do they got these at school and
they did not mind as all the other children had nicknames as well.
School was one place where they felt more or less as though they fitted
in. They discouraged their friends from visiting, as they knew that
they were different but not why. Tich was happy that they did not bring
anyone home as she was determined to get the semi-detached and all the
trimmings first and really could not cope with anyone seeing the state
that they were in. She decided to try one last spell on Edward before
she went on the Top Up course, her logic being that if he did work she
would not need to use witchcraft. She decided that he would make an
excellent teacher. She cast her spell and Edward announced later that
evening that he had decided that he had to leave them and live in
Primrose Hill and study Buddhism. He packed his bags and, despite Tich
telling him that there had been a terrible mistake and that he was
supposed to be teaching not studying, he left. The children could not
understand what she was ranting about, but they felt that as she was
obviously upset at the
situation they would manage as best they could and anyway it was nice
to have the house more or less to themselves and not to have to listen
to jazz music played very loud and at all times of the day and
night.
Tich however knew different, she knew that the magic top up course was
going to take time and that she needed money to travel to London every
day, it was a six month course, that the children needed money for
school, for clothes and they needed money for living and that no matter
how ineffective Edward was as a parent and a husband he did bring money
into the house through his music.
There was only one thing for it, she would have to fly into London
every day and also she would take lodgers to bring money into the
house. This was difficult as the house that they were occupying at the
time was a two bed roomed house on a small estate and that was where
the increasing starting, she wished for a four bed roomed house and loe
and behold, it became one. It was a peculiar feeling to the children
that they never were sure whether there would an extra room or two at
the end of a corridor, or off their room. This was because wherever
Tich was when she wished it is where it happened. The worst one was
when she was in the bathroom and suddenly there was an extra room
attached, fortunately it was needed cupboard space and was used as
such.
So adverts were placed and potential lodgers started to arrive. Tich
interviewed them, quelling any doubts as to the lack of space and
pretty soon there were six others excluding the family living in this
small house. Tich would go every morning to the station and slipping
quietly out of sight, would attempt to find someway of remembering the
spell to make her broomstick come to her, she invariably got it wrong
and had to catch a later train, making her late for her course, so she
missed some of the fundamental parts of spell top up, hence her spells
often not quite happening.
The lodgers moved in and around the house, Tich referred to them as
paying guests, the children did not like this too much. They had
exchanged a father for lodgers, or rather paying guests and even though
Edward might not have been a great father, he was familiar. They
started to mutter to themselves and then discovered that they could
make small things happen. Like if they muttered enough a lodger might
leave, or decide to get a job elsewhere. They quite liked this. They
did not know that they were muttering one half of a spell that they had
heard their mother use in days past and that their magic powers were
starting to develop and that as there were three of them they could
concentrate their young energy and make small things happen.
Tich came back from London exhausted and bearing packages. She was
secretive about them and stashed them away. The children were convinced
that she was buying early Christmas presents and attempted to work
out
where she was putting them. Their idea being that they would take a
quick look to make sure that she had got the right colour, gift or
style of clothing. The problem that they had was that they were unsure
which room she had put them in and as the rooms kept appearing this
made the search difficult. It was Deliberate that found the first pile
of packages. She had been hunting for a packet of biscuits that she had
taken from the cupboard in the kitchen and was unsure where she had
left them. In the search for these she found six parcels. She shouted
for the other two and completely forgot to deny what she had been doing
and told them that she had found them and what she had been looking
for, it is sufficient to say that the other two were far too curious to
reprimand her for stealing, hiding and all the other crimes that they
could have thought up. They stared at the parcels. Six. They could feel
the ends of their fingers beginning to twitch, (this is what happens to
young witches and wizards when they get close to the ingredients of
spells), but were unsure of what to do next. Could they risk opening
the packages and then wrapping them back up so that Tich would not
notice....... .