The Absence of Closure

It is said that those that do not regret, have simply not looked in the mirror and faced the fact that they are not perfect---that they have been too vain in response to their own everyday life occurrences, the people that they meet and have relationships with, etc. In this same tradition of the ignorance of the self, the illusion of closure dwells. For people who think that they can run from the wounds that they have accrued in the fleeting moment that they existed, there lies a rude awakening, when it finally hits them---you can’t run from something that resides inside your head. The sad reality extends, for you can’t run from that which lives in your heart as well. As we all know, neither of the two seem to work explicitly, especially when we deal with others outside ourselves. And the deeper the connections get, the greater the possibility for a wound exists.

It doesn’t seem like one has to live more than a few years, before they are cut in some way. A mother or father dissatisfied with their own lives may neglect a child in some way that they don’t even notice, and the damage is done. Most certainly, for those growing up in an even more chaotic environment than that of a primary caretaker or caretakers, the possibility of damage greatens. In fact, by that age in which we humans seem to be mature enough to make our own decisions about what we do, where we do, and with whom we do, it is really amazing that any truly healthy connections may flourish at all. Clearly, anyone who claims that no one is successful at establishing these kinds of relations, isn’t paying attention. But it would be equally naïve to believe that anyone walks amongst us without scars. Our bumper-car reality is one in which the cars have razorblades attached to the front of them.

After one is cut in some manner, providing they are mature enough to understand what has happened (let’s remember that when we are young and not mature, cuts still occur---and they just pile up inside), the majority of people seem to try and find closure. The Random House dictionary defines the noun “closure” as such; “1. the act of closing; the state of being closed. 2. a bringing to an end; conclusion. 3. something that closes or shuts.” It is safe to say then, if one goes by the common definition of the term, that “closure” is what one seeks when one wants to sew up these cuts. “Closure” is a concept that denotes an end to the process of cutting (and for that matter any positive aspects of said relation as well, remember). For those that believe in its possibility, it allows them to finish what was started, seemingly on their own terms. When one’s cuts are sufficiently healed, presumably the person in question is able to step outside their abode, healthy, and they are able to start again.

Is this really possible? Are human beings simply able to completely erase the memory of other human beings and events that have occurred in their past, simply because they want to? I submit that this concept of “closure” is an unhealthy one, and that it exists alongside the same cold & emotionless demeanor that we as a society will decorate a serial killer or a genocidal dictator with. To put it frankly---actually, to put it completely obviously, if you care about some other human being in any deep respect, wherein you’ve spent time, effort, emotional and maybe even financial endeavors to sustain and nourish said relations, you cannot erase them. You cannot forget them or pretend that they never existed. This reality I will extend to the matter of events as well. For clearly, just as one may try and erase the idea that they were raped, or that they were abused as a child, that they were cheated on in a relationship, or that a loved one committed suicide, and be truly unsuccessful in doing so, they may try to do the same with the identity of said rapist, abuser, cheater or loved one. It is a harsh reality to accept, maybe one of the most difficult that we as human beings have to acknowledge and deal with, but it is what it is.

The question is, what do we do with this reality, once we have come to accept it? Once we realize that there is no going back and that because of that fact, we cannot change the past, no matter how much we would like to, what can we do to move beyond these individuals and these incidences that cause us so much pain? More importantly, is there some way that we can use these people and events to our own personal benefit, so that in the present (our only true reality) we can walk with our heads high, our minds clear, and our hearts passionately pulsating through our better lives?

Without pausing to ponder any other conclusion, one should understand that the same you that got into a situation involving anyone or any event is the same one that will get you out---really, it is the only one that will. Looking to any other possibility outside the self does nothing for us, as we inevitably are the only ones who are affected specifically in these circumstances in which the isolated cuts made in our own hearts and minds were initiated. As soon as we are conscious of these cuts, as soon as we are mature enough to understand that there has been damage done to us, even if we do not understand the complete potential weight of the damage in question, we are able to do something with it. We are able to confront it.

In confronting the damage that has been done to us, we are able to overcome it by using it to our advantage in our daily lives. We are able to see that the only way to keep from letting these cuts grow infected (their bacteria spreading into our blood stream and inevitably leading to our death) is to see them for what they are. In seeing them for what they are, you take the first step in the process of dismantling the power that they once held. Remember that they are injuries to the whole but they are not the whole individual. One needs to stop all distraction. One needs to dwell on the damage, and defeat it “by any means necessary.” This means taking it with you as you go. It means that we understand that the cuts will never heal, but that we did not bleed to death. Rather than ignore the fact that irreparable things have happened to us in our lives, we acknowledge that by not running to any other place to hide, we conquer by default. For as has been said before and most assuredly will be again, those things that do not destroy us, only make us stronger, and they prove to us that we are greater than any one cut---any one damaging moment or person. By conquering these cuts we wash ourselves clean of the need to pretend that they will someday go away. We are strong enough to continue walking our own path with them gripped in our hands only for our own usage, whatever we may see fit. They no longer hold any other meaning than the one that we alone give to them.