the privilege of faith

a fellow atheist who was making a peanut-butter & jelly sandwich one afternoon
while her pesky neighbor continued to make noises on the other side of the paper-thin
walls
(annoying the bejesus out of her),
gripped the butter knife in her hand
letting all the murderous fantasies enter
(how easily said neighbor could be made to stop said noises)
which would allow her to begin enjoying her saturday again &
yet that thing we call a conscience
stepped in & slapped her silly
(as it does every time),
bringing her back to the world where she was virtually powerless,
as calling the super would only escalate the situation,
that is, if he even showed up &
yes, she could go further, calling them coppers,
but they would show an even greater amount of
indifference---
she knew that once they were done with their little afternoon romp,
that things would quiet down
(as prior experiences revealed),
but the wait would be excruciating.

a jealousy grew within---
this feeling came from knowing that
if she walked out the door, knocked on the neighbor’s,
waited until they answered & then
massacred the two of them in cold blood,
that she’d have nothing to use as an excuse like so many good believers---
you see, she couldn’t stand before the judge & say that
“satan” had told her that the two she killed had “demons” in them
so she fulfilled her duty of sending them off to “hell,”
like Andrea Yates did when she drowned her 5 young children, Mary, Luke, Paul, John & Noah in a bathtub in 2001---
she would certainly not be able to say with a straight face
that “god” had told her to smash two of her son’s heads like a pumpkin in her front yard,
like Deanna Laney in 2004 &
she definitely knew that unlike Dena Schlosser, who cut her 10 month old baby’s arms off (as well as beginning to try & cut her own arm off via her shoulder) while listening to a hymn in hopes of offering them to “god,”
she just wouldn’t be able to get away with such
privileges of faith &
it just made her eat that pb & j quicker
so she could go for a walk
until her neighbor stopped fucking.