as seen on tv.

we find a way to avoid absolutafuckly everything---how is it that you choose to escape? find your way into self-hatred at 4am when the ripped guys n’ gals show up after your favorite shows to tell you that you need to have a 6 pack that your ass has to be hard enough to flip a fucking quarter off of---and you know the way to get that is with the perfect situp ©---crunch crunch crunch---but don’t do that unless you got your ab sonic electric massage belt © to place over them gems prior to or after the crunch-a’-thon---and the men peel their eyes when the lady comes on shaking the shake weight ©---looking like they got a big ol’ cock in their hands jerkin’ jerkin’ jerkin’---all ready for it to explode all over their face in the name of capital gain! in the name of america! in the name of the lord our god of exploitation of all that is not somehow converted into profit---um, yes---swing for a bit round your ab circle pro ©, hang out with chuck & christie straddling the total gym xls ©, or the total gym 1800 club ©, or the total gym 1000 ©, or the total gym ab crunch ©, etc.---take a breather on the fitness roller slide by sunny health ©---and where o’ where is suzanne somers when you need her? a sucky actress & a crappy poet finally found her “calling” with the thighmaster keeping those puppies tight and righteous---but first ladies you got to get down in your tub and rubadubdub those legs with the silky smooth hair remover by body trenos ©---got the absonic © & the rockin’ buns © to keep the orangutans beating their chests and immersing themselves in axe ©---rolling around like dogs after a downpour in puddles of Clive Christian No. 1 ©---gets em’ hot before they getcha’ drunk, no? gets em’ drunk before you get em’ hard, no? and on and on this comedy of the divine debauchery escalates and vibrates---the more products that we buy the better chance that we have to excel in our wonderful & beautiful conspicuous consumption orgasmic extravaganza!---smearing our eyes with hydrolyze © & toning ourselves with beautyko vibro shape body toning system ©---hey,
youdowhatchagottodotostayonthejunglegymforaslongasyoucan, right? hmmm. are we skinny enough? is our skin smooth enough? our eyes lie no longer looking weary? “taking off 15 years!”---our breasts bouncy and firm (just the size that we always wanted)---our cocks big enough? popping our satagin tm hardcore ©, a few expanzites © for the road, packing our maxtender extenders © in our backpacks, what, with our andropenis andro extender (the new 2011 model!) © & our target cream penis enlargement cream © we will be big enough for the fight! YES, WE WILL BE BIG ENOUGH FOR THE FIGHT! for the whole fucking night. sun tan sun tan man, burn that skin so you’ll look like you weren’t born caucasian---like you weren’t born caucasian-american, even more so, a man, born caucasian american---that is like going to vegas, pulling the crank and getting all three cherries in one pull-down---so yes, if your skin is orange enough & your dick is big enough & that dick is covered in the most expensive cologne & you have popped enough viagra © to pound pound pound all the eve long & you have got those calf implants to look more buff than you are & you have money in the bank---i repeat---MONEY IN THE BANK---then you can lasso yourself a lil’ filly who had puked her guts out all day constantly checking in the mirror if the vomit is slowly corroding her teeth away & crunching 10,000 sit-ups for every one that brittany said she did when she was out of the trailer and on the stage & if this lil’ lady has gotten the silicone pumped into her chest and her lips are full to the brim of collagen & she has gotten the tightest thing she could possibly find to squeeze into & told all her friends what he does & they both have called in tomorrow in case they don’t make it into work---well then, healthy americans, we have lift-off.