undeserved guilt wielded by the christian hammer

when mom finally had a child

after a miscarriage broke her the

first time around,

her baby died a few days later,

having been born early,

having not been strong enough to

make it in this cruel world,

which takes no pity on any

innocent---

she wondered why “god”

let this happen,

still not having recovered from

the miscarriage before,

but having got her hopes up

for the beauty which she expected to

be coming,

a deserved conclusion, she felt,

after having gone through so much

torment,

in the prior year or so.

 

but when she lost the second,

after having held her a few days,

after having had the wide eyes of a

brand new mother,

after crying tears of

happiness,

she lost all hope &

went into a depression, a deep hole,

which she somehow felt that she

deserved,

because “god” had willed it

after all. 

 

and upon healing as best she could,

mom adopted a daughter &

adopting a child

when they are young,

can always be a gamble,

because the genetic history is something of a

clean slate,

a forgotten realm that is legally wiped

clean,

and any sexual or physical abuse

which might have taken place in the foster home

cannot be revealed until the child acts out,

until the child begins to take on the personality traits

of the mother that she was taken away from---

so the years upon years

of seeing shrink upon shrinks &

frequenting institutions,

amidst any legal problems that come

when the child turns to crime, etc.,

all can be rooted in those

formative years before age 5---

years which mom did not oversee the care of

her adopted daughter.

 

and mom feels guilty

for having wished for a child so much

that she finally adopted one,

mom feels guilty that she

moved away from “god”

in the sense that “he didn’t want her to have a child” &

yet, she found a way to have one---

and mom feels guilty

because she sees the trouble that the child had afterward

to be the result of that same

vengeful “god,”

who will get its way,

by any means necessary.