Saucerers and Gondoliers - Chapter 11

Chapter 11 - Red Star Rising

The Russian ship was saucer-shaped, which Ant was by now prepared for. It was also covered in red stars, hammers and sickles, which was more surprising.
"I thought the Russians got bored with all this sort of stuff years ago", said Ant.
"I thought the Americans had banned slavery", said Cleo crossly.
If the American corvette Virginia had been a flying dinnerplate to Mr. Turpin's saucer, this new ship was a veritable soup tureen. It was so large, it seemed more like a fixed, permanent structure, like an oil rig or a gasometer, than something that was capable of moving through the air under its own power. There were details on it that Ant knew must be at least as big as he was, but which were too faint and far away for him to be able to see them clearly. It also bristled with things that were almost certainly weapons. Every available inch of it had been painted a deep green that identified it to any observer as a military ship. And it was plastered with as many deep red stars as a bloodstained galaxy.
The ship was surrounded by a splat of blasted earth, no doubt because it had just landed on full power. The landing also appeared to have melted all of the Croatoan spaceport dish antennas on one side, making the steel run like treacle. A point at the bow of the vessel had dropped open like a colossal jaw, and small caterpillar-tracked vehicles were trundling up and down this ramp. Some of the vehicles held what looked like scientific equipment, and at least one of them was clearing the muck from around the ship's massive landing legs with a small dozer blade, but the vast majority of them were actually travelling up the ramp laden with goods taken from inside Croatoan.
Glenn Bob was incensed. "HEY!" he yelled. "HEY STOP THIEF!" Ant recognized a photograph of Glenn Bob's brother on one of the caterpillar trucks, along with a set of wooden chairs and tables that could only have come from Earth. On Croatoan, he knew, such stuff would be very valuable.
"WHERE YOU TAKIN THAT!" bawled Glenn Bob. "THAT'S MY MOM'S!" He tried to rush the Russian trooper driving the truck, but was pushed back by a sentry. Three times he tried to get close to the truck, and three times he was pushed back. The other Russian soldiers appeared to find Glenn Bob's battle with the sentry amusing, and stopped their work to watch, until finally the man pushed Glenn Bob so hard he fell back into the dirt, then turned a rifle on him. Glenn Bob stared at the rifle barrel in disbelief, but did not try again.
An officer - Ant decided he must be an officer because of his cap and shoulderflashes - saluted Ant and Cleo. Ant saluted back. The officer laughed and bent down to Ant's level like a kindly uncle. Ant, who had been brought up to strongly distrust strangers who tried to behave like kindly uncles, did not let his guard down one iota. One of the tracked vehicles going into the saucer, he noticed, now had Mr. Turpin in it, gurgling happily like a baby.
"Where are you taking him?" said Ant. "He is ill. He is being treated for a bullet wound."
"He will be very good very soon", said the kindly officer. "Be welcome to our shyip, small comrades. I am Cyaptain Igor Popov of the First Red Star Armada." He gestured up at the enormous dull green saucer, which stretched over their heads like the dome of an upturned cathedral. "Is our shyip, Heavy Assault Cyarrier Alexei Stakhanov."
"This", said Glenn Bob, picking himself up off the floor defiantly, "is a Act of War."
"Glenn Bob", said Ant through the corner of his mouth, "why are there Russians in space?"
Glenn Bob hissed back through gritted teeth. "Commie traitors sold em the blueprints for the Astromoke Mark One back in '53. They bin in space ever since."
"And they're communists?"
"Sure. They're Russkies. Ain't all Russkies commies?"
"Not on Earth any more, no."
Glenn Bob was struck dumb by this unexpected news. Captain Igor Popov, meanwhile, was more talkative.
"Is not an act of war please", he said. "Is replying to a Myayday Call. There was Yinternational Myayday Call from this location."
"We wouldn't make no Mayday Call to no Russkie", said Glenn Bob.
"Aha!" pounced Captain Popov. "Thyen logically, you would make a Myayday Call to a Russkie. Is Yinglish Double Nyegative, no?"
"I hate people who point that out", muttered Ant to Cleo.
"We nyeed to know please why is no pyeople here."
"Stop saying everything with a 'y' in it", said Cleo.
"I'm nyot", said Captain Popov, wounded. "Why is no pyeople here?"
"We don't know", said Ant.
"Maybe pyeople here have offyended evil American capitalist gyovernment. Maybe they have been tyaken away, put in labour camp."
"Put in a labour camp?" said Cleo in disbelief. "This is a labour camp." Noticing Glenn Bob's laserbeam stare, she retorted: "Well it was for me. You didn't have to do any washing."
"As I suspyected", said Captain Popov. "Do not worry. You are now in hyands of Byeautiful Socialist Utopia. Captain of ship, Lieutenant Gushin, shall I think order we do the take-off very soon." He made illustrative spaceship-taking-off gestures with his hands. "To come with me, please."
"Captain of the ship? And he's only a Lieutenant? If you're a Captain", accused Cleo, "why aren't you the Captain, Captain?"
Captain Popov smiled broadly. His teeth were in a terrible state. "Ah, but I am not Nyaval Officer. I am only KGB."
"This", said Ant, "goes from bad to worse."
***
"Please not to worry please. We are only asking questions. All we require is answers."
The room was grey and featureless. All it contained was a desk, four chairs, and a door, all made of the same grey steel as the walls, floor and ceiling. Even the light, coming from a strip bulb overhead, was grey.
Ant, Glenn Bob, and Cleo were sitting on one side of the desk. Captain Popov was sitting on the other. Behind Captain Popov - presumably in case the three thirteen-year-olds in the room overpowered him - stood a uniformed Russian soldier with a gun. The gun appeared to be a Russian version of the ones British and American space people used. Ant had no doubt that it would kill him.
At the moment, however, it was Captain Popov who was being interrogated.
"YOU DONE SMOKED EVERYBODY IN MY COLONY", raged Glenn Bob with tears of anger in his eyes.
"He's going to get us sent to some sort of Astro Siberia", Cleo warned Ant quietly.
"Oh, I think he's getting calmer", whispered Ant. "He hasn't called the Captain a hornswoggling varmint son of a jackalope for at least five minutes now."
Captain Popov shook his head slowly.
"Glorious Soviet Yutopia does not kyill wyomen and chyildren", he said, and appeared to believe what he was saying.
"So you're asking us to believe that your ship just happened to turn up here only a few hours after Croatoan was wiped out", said Ant.
"You will plyease explain also why Yunited States of Zodiac myilitary pilot is here", said the Captain. "Is Yunited States of Zodiac shyip here also. Astromoke Mark One."
"He's talking about Mr. Turpin's ship", said Cleo.
"So Mr. Turpin is from the USZ", said Ant.
"Ha!" Captain Popov's face was triumphant. "As I suspyected! So Yunited States of Zodiac is respyonsible for extyerminating innocent Amyerican citizens of Croatoan."
"I didn't say that", said Ant.
"You dyid", said Captain Popov, raising an accusing finger against Ant.
"No, you did", said Glenn Bob, "you slug-chugging crawdad spawn."
The Captain slammed his hand down on the table. "You will tell us sordid truth of fighting between Amyerican Yimperialist factions. We know truth alryeady. All is nyeeded is confirmation. You will also tyell us plyease location of Yunited States of Zodiac Syecret Gondolin Colony and syecret Yamerican yingredient of Coca-Cola.”
"I'll tell you I'm Glenn Bob Linklater, Citizen Number 1233", said Glenn Bob, "and diddly squat more."
The Captain stared darkly across the table.
"Yunited States of Zodiac trooper will give us answers", he said. "Will give us considerably more than Sqvat." He glared from Glenn Bob to Ant to Cleo. "Is your father, this man, perhaps? Your brother?"
"So you're threatening to torture Mr. Turpin", said Ant.
"You, sir", said Glenn Bob, "are a godless Commie fiend."
"You thought Mr. Turpin was one an hour ago", said Cleo.
Glenn Bob, evidently confused, shut up.
"You will admyit colony of New Dixieland was attacked by United Styates of Zodiac", said the Captain, "or you will be responsible for your Myister Turpin."
"Don't do it, Glenn Bob", said Ant. "How many planets in the United States of the Zodiac?"
"'bout twelve", said Glenn Bob.
"With how many people on them?"
"Dunno", said Glenn Bob. "Hundreds. Could be thousands, even."
"And how many people live in the United States' colonies in space?"
"Thousands", said Glenn Bob. "Tens of thousands."
"And what would happen if the US colonies thought the USZ had attacked one of their outposts and killed everyone in it?"
Glenn Bob thought a moment.
"War, I guess", he said. "Though we're at war with the US Zee already there", he added quickly. "But right now it’s that sort of war folks don't get killed in."
"And if those two nations go to war", said Ant, "tens of thousands of people might die. American fighting American."
"But they might kill Mr. Turpin", said Cleo.
Ant nodded. "Better one man than a thousand", he said. "And he did kidnap us."
The Captain pointed his finger at Ant again. This time, it was shaking.
"You will tell truth", he said, rose from the table, and stalked out.
Ant and Cleo exchanged frowns.
Then, the trooper by the door bent over and whispered in Cleo's ear.
"You should tyell truth", he said. "Is byest for all of us."
Cleo stared at the soldier in disbelief. "You speak English too!" she said.
The soldier waved his hands frantically at her to be quiet, staring after his departing captain. "I have learned beautiful Yinglish language from lyistening to transmyissions from Earth", he said conspiratorially. "At my home on Altair 5 I watch all Yinglish television. I like very much your Amyerican Banana Splyits. Mister Drooper taking out trash, ha! ha! is most amusing."
Cleo stared at the trooper blankly.
"Altair is thirty light years from Earth", said Glenn Bob. "It takes radio waves thirty years to get there. He's talking about some show from 1969, I reckon."
"Is correct!" beamed the trooper. "You dumb Amyericans only just land on moon, ha! ha!"
"We done landed on the moon in 1951", said Glenn Bob. "There's a third man in they there 1969 moon pictures, and don't you fergit it."
The trooper shook his head. "Russians land on moon first after applying secrets of alien science found yin Yextraterrestrial Flying Saucer that is exploding in Tunguska in 1908. Amyericans stole this secret from Mother Russia. Every Russian schyoolboy knows this."
Glenn Bob stared at the trooper, slack-jawed at the man's audacity.
"I wonder who's right", grinned Ant, "the Americans or the Russians?"
“Where’s this secret Gondolin colony?” said Cleo.
“Gondolin’s the thirteenth colony of the United States of the Zodiac”, said Glenn Bob wearily. “No-one knows where it is, exceptin the Zodiackers. Course, these jokers think you do too, on account of they think you’re Zodiackers. If y’all do know where it is, I strongly suggest spillin your guts”, he looked up at the trooper sourly, “before they do.”
"I must gyo now", said the trooper. "'Size of an Yelephant!' Ha! Ha! Ha!"
He stepped outside the cell and pressed a button. Two steel doors a man's arm thick clanged into place over the doorway just as alarms sounded, voices yelled over the intercom in Russian, and the deck under Ant and Cleo's feet began rumbling for takeoff. In the centre of the doors, a piece of glass thick enough to bend light like water showed the trooper's smiling face waving goodbye for now.
***
"Well", said Cleo, "that went well, I thought."
"I ain't never gonna to see my maw and paw again", blubbed Glenn Bob.
"Now you know how we feel", said Ant.
"I thought you were running away from your maw and paw?" said Cleo.
"Not really", said Glenn Bob. "I was just attention-seekin."
"Well, you've got our attention now", said Cleo. "So how are we going to get out of here?"
"In a box, I reckon", said Glenn Bob.
Ant, meanwhile, was standing on tiptoe, looking out of the cell's only window.
"What can you see?" said Cleo.
"A sort of guardroom-cum-office-cum-wardrobe", said Ant. "Captain Popov is sitting at a workstation in one corner. His desk is very messy. All the other consoles in the room are piled high with all the swag they nicked from Croatoan. There's three blokes in there going through it all. One man's wearing a lampshade on his head. Another man seems to have found a pair of outsize red and white polka dot ladies' undies, and appears to find this riotously amusing."
Glenn Bob's face scrunched up into a snarl. "Them's my mom's!" he growled.
"Well, there's a big fat soldier wearing them now. The others are joining in the general hilarity. A third man seems to be trying to shave with a jar of marshmallow fluff, with surprising success."
"That there fluff is US Colony of Croatoan property."
"Well, I wouldn't be too bothered, they're ignoring most of the Croatoan stuff. They seem to be more interested in what Mr. Turpin was smuggling in his saucer. Particularly the whisky." His eyes went wide as he gawped through the door. "No. Surely it isn't possible for a human being to drink whisky that fast, not without - ah, yes, he's vomiting now."
"Aha!" said Cleo. "We wait till all the guards are drunk, and - and -"
"- and burrow through the solid steel of the door", said Ant.
"Well, if you're so clever, you think of something", said Cleo, and sat back on the chair with her arms folded.
Then, abruptly, she fell flat on the floor.
"OW!" she yelled. "That' not FUNNY, Glenn Bob!"
"I didn't do nothin", protested Glenn Bob.
"YOU PULLED MY CHAIR AWAY -", she shouted, pointing at her chair - then, gawping in disbelief, said:
"Where's my chair?"
The chair, along with the other three chairs and the table, had disappeared into the grey steel of the floor, becoming flush with it.
The metal of the walls began to creak and tick, as if someone, somewhere, had turned on the central heating. Quite the reverse, however, seemed to be the case.
"Hey!" yelled Glenn Bob, leaping back from the cell wall. "This wall's gone colderen a snowman's icehole!"
"He's right", said Ant, touching the steel. "It's freezing."
"This is a purpose-built interrogation cell", said Cleo. "They can probably alter the temperature to make prisoners more or less comfortable."
"The air's getting colder", said Ant.
"Then we'd better give them the story they want, or we'll freeze", said Cleo. As she spoke, air intakes howled open in the walls. It felt as if all the warmth were being sucked out of the room via a huge vacuum cleaner.
"OK. OK, let's confess", said Ant, realizing his teeth were beginning to chatter.
"Of course, you realize that as soon as we do that, they're bound to shoot Mr. Turpin", said Cleo the inexorable logician.
"Th-they will?" said Ant. "But th-they said they'd s-stop interrogating him once we told the t-truth."
"That's p-perfectly true", said Cleo. "Th-they'll stop interrogating him, and sh-shoot him instead. Once they have our c-confession, they d-don't need to b-beat one out of him any more, do they?"
"Then we don't confess", said Glenn Bob. Ant and Cleo turned to look at him. Glenn Bob wore an expression of determination so fierce it hurt to look at him.
"I'm d-danged if I'm giving up any m-man to any d-darned Commie", he said. "Even if he is another C-commie", he added, and a little bit of doubt seemed to creep into his determined expression, but he set his teeth and scowled until it went away.
"Then I suggest", said Ant, "that we huddle together for warmth. Keeping, of course," he said, catching Cleo's hostile glance, "a respectable distance at all times."