Get out of there. QUICK ..

By denni1

Fri, 24 Aug 2012
  • 1205 reads
12 comments
 

Inherited deficits
Now, what the fuck is THAT.
I see you have my temper, big nose, belly ain't too flat.
So stop yer stoopid questionin'
ya putrid waste o' space.
We've got to get the chory oot
before they clock ma face ..

Am doin' this shop liftin lark
It's a piece of cake.
In you go
Head up high
Select the goods then walk right by
those guards
who yawn n scratch n blink
to keep themselves awake.
Easy-peasy never show the amount of loot selected.
Come an' join yer dad, you lad, who's school wasn't attended.
I wasn't up
To get you ready
But never mind aw that ..

Look what you eat
That stolen meat
Trainers on feet
Designer breeks
(fat spots on cheeks)

Stop readin' aw them books you like
They winny help
Our futures shite
So come on, join in, son o' mine
Or see this fist?
Your eye al shine ..

Certificate 18
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by Sooz006 on
Now, what the fuck is THAT.... don't like the capitals here. We've got to get the chory oot... new word, what's a chory? I like it but I have no idea what it is. Come an' join yer dad, you lad, who's school wasn't attended... this line feels as though you've tried to cram an awful lot of information into it and still had to make it fit the rhyme. I really like this. It's gritty and true to life. Poor kid's got no chance.

 

Submitted by denni1 on
Blimy, ok .. When you say l was trying to cram etc, that wasn't at all my intention. But l appreciate what you are telling me. But the dad has to cram his bullying on to the boy, so it is a cram thing .. In my opinion, the son asked his ignorant dad what inherited deficits means, as he's been reading or seeing some professional about changing his life, if you get me, so dad says, what the fuck is THAT .. 'that' wouldn't be too weak as dad is a loud mouth arse h*le .. Can you tell me if that changes things for you xx

Submitted by Esther on
Gritty writing...so sad to.

Submitted by denni1 on
Oh thanks for that and much appreciated too xx

Submitted by TVR on
High denni, I thought Sooz was a little unfair in her appraisal of this. I think she looked too hard and didn't get it in the vein it was written. For me, it came over very well, with inflected dialect (Scottish? I'm never very good at these things) and a nice 'tongue-in-cheek' tone to the whole. Much enjoyed, well done. I'll look forward to reading more of yours. Trev

TVR

Submitted by Syphon on
Poor kid, very gritty writing denni very much enjoyed the read thanks for sharing :)

Submitted by Parson Thru on
Good to read something in dialect. It's really hard to pull off and I think you've done it pretty well. I think Sooz has a point with 'who's school wasn't attended' Believe me, I feel for you on that one. I'd suggest not binding yourself to making the rhyme work if it gets in the way of meaning or impact. I'm sticking my neck out a bit and I am not speaking as someone who gets this right. I really enjoyed reading it though. Newcastle? West End?

Parson Thru

Submitted by denni1 on
Hello xx l just don't do all those things folk think l do, l make up my stories in seconds, walkin along the street, on the bus or sneaky at work under a table on my smartphone. It's really as simple as that. And l come from Edinburgh ..

Submitted by TVR on
You are very lucky to be able to make up your stories so quickly, denni, it takes me ages. I've been to Edinburgh only once - New Year's Eve a couple of years ago. Lovely city, I envy you. Are you a Rebus (Ian Rankin) fan by any chance? My daughter and her boyfriend have just come back from the Festival up there, fringe theatre, comedy, bands etc. Absolutely loved it and Edinburgh. Trev

TVR

Submitted by denni1 on
Hiya pal xx l make them up in my head but it takes me ages to type on ma phone then send to ABC tales. I love and see Ian Rankin a wee bit as he floats around Edinburgh sometimes. Ken Stott who plays him was in my class. I used to sing " loooove grows where my (Rosemary) Kenny Stott goes" !! I work in 2 famous Edinburgh theatres, and Jenners in Princes st. Maybe they were in shoppin ?? Noo year is far too hectic for me, but it brings a great buzz and happiness to the cold city. Nice to talk to you xx

Submitted by TVR on
I love 'Stotty' too, everything he does is convincing, a brilliant actor. I think it was Ken who played the part of Tony Hancock, in a play (film) about the late comic's life on TV not too long ago. Brilliant! Yes, I noticed in your profile you mentioned the theatres. Good on you. Must be really interesting mixing in those circles, get to meet a lot of people - actors, writers, and suchlike, I guess? Oh yes, "Love Grows (Where my Rosemary Goes)... that would be Edison Lighthouse, I think. Nice to talk to you too. Trev PS: How you manage that laborious tak of writing on the mobile is beyond me, girl.

TVR

Submitted by denni1 on
It was my pal who shoved ma name in lights here!! She shouldn't have said ma age tut tut. Not seen the Hancock thing, as he was awfully sad, wasn't he, in real life. I am always on the move, so phone perfect for writing .. am doin in now, on bus up to work from work !! Ye kin sleep when yi die xx I love your Su name. Very clever ..