Budget Airlines

 

 

An amended version of Budget Airlines! - 1993 words one sketch taken from the Parkinson's Players 2016 Show entitled Always Look on the Bright Side of Strife! 

The scene is set inside a passenger plane

Tania, Chief Air Stewardess, is already on board.

ENTER her assistant Charlene looking around the plane

Charlene:  Oh, so this is the new Airbus?

Tania: Yeah, posh innit?

Charlene:  Strange seating plan though, Tania. Never seen anything like it.

Tania:  You’re not with British Airways now, Charlene. This is Cut Price Air we’re talking about.

Charlene: Even so.

Tania:  This is your first time flying on the Airbus so take it from me, it’s a big improvement on what the passengers had before.

Charlene:  What did they have before then?

Tania:  Same as the other aircraft...just hanging straps!

Charlene:  What, no seating? How did you manage with the trolley?

Tania:  Trolley! We only got this trolley with the upgrade. This is now Cut Price Air’s flag ship or rather plane so we must be very picky with where we allow the passengers to sit.

Charlene:  And here they come.

Tania:  Right, take up positions.

ENTER FIRST PASSENGER

Tania:  Good morning, Madam, welcome aboard Cut Price Air, any history of heart problems, bowel   problems, money problems?

First Passenger:  No. Certainly not.

Tania:  Then you can sit in First Class behind the driver. I mean pilot.

First Passenger goes and sits on plastic chair

ENTER SECOND PASSENGER

Charlene:  Good morning sir, any history of heart problems, weight problems, bowel problems?

Second passenger:  Only when I laugh!

Charlene:  Then you can sit with the frumpy woman just gone through to First class. Not there sir. (Points) First Class seats are the ones anchored to the floor.

Tania: (To Charlene)  Why did you let him into First?

Charlene:  Because there’ll be nothing on this flight to make him laugh.

Tania:  True, but why put him in First?

Charlene:  Well, he looks as if he's got a few bob and as there are only enough parachutes for us and the passengers in First, he might be grateful enough to offer a gratuity if we have to ditch,

Tania:  Good thinking, Charlene. You’re learning.

Charlene:  Yes. I think I am.

ENTER THIRD PASSENGER

Tania:  Good morning sir, welcome aboard Cut Price Air. Any history of heart problems, bowel problems...

Third Passenger:  I suffer from a nervous stomach…

Tania:  A nervous stomach? Charlene, here’s another one for a wing seat. (Passenger goes to move towards seat) No sir, (Smiling) not inside. Charlene will show you where to clamber up.

Third passenger:  I'm not sitting out there on a wing.

Tania:  Don't worry, you’ll be perfectly safe, the views are fantastic, and you'll be able to tell your friends what it's really like to have your head in the clouds.

Charlene:  So, where is your final destination,sir?

Third Passenger:  Why?

Tania:  Well, we need to know where you want dropping off, that’s all.

Third Passenger:  At an airport, of course.

Tania:  Oh, bless your heart, sir, I see from your boarding pass that you’re travelling economy.

Third Passenger:  Yes.

Tania:  Well, I’m afraid we don’t actually stop for wing seat passengers travelling economy we just dip the wings over the drop zone of their stated destination. Some try to cling on but gravity usually sees them safely down. Well down anyway.

Third Passenger:  That's disgraceful.

Charlene:  Yes, isn't it? And it gets worse because there's no in flight meal either.

Third Passenger:  What?

Tania:  Well, we can’t get the trolley up there, and Health and Safety made us stop serving soup. I blame the French.

Third Passenger: Why the French?

Charlene:  Doesn't everyone blame the French?

Tania: (offering packet of sandwiches)  Here, have this packet of sandwiches. They’re the remains of my lunch from yesterday. Now if you go with Charlene she will show you where you can clamber up.

Charlene:  Just follow me, sir, and then if I plait my fingers on both hands I can give you a bunk up and by that I mean you can put a foot in my hands. So just follow me.

THEY EXIT THEN CHARLENE RETURNS

FOURTH PASSENGER ENTERS

Tania:  Good morning Madam, any history of heart problems, bowel problems, weight problems? Yes, I can see there is so you’ll need to sign this disclaimer. Nothing to worry about... just company policy. It exempts them from anyone on long haul trying to claim that they got fat eating our in- flight meals.

Fourth Passenger:  Lanzarote is not long haul.

Tania:  It is for our aircraft.

Charlene:  And, Madam, is that a cat in your hand luggage? I’m sorry but I’m afraid pets aren’t allowed. But you’ve got time to take it back to the terminal building then go and see the gentleman on the Cut Price Air desk. He’s our animal welfare officer and you can be sure he will take good care of your pussy.

Tania:  Now then, I can see that apart from your weight problem, you have hair that's difficult to manage too. Luckily we can help, Charlene is our in- flight hairdresser today and what she knows about cutting hair could be put on a postage stamp, but given that she’s had no training I think the results she gets are amazing.

FourthPassenger:  Is this aircraft fitted with hair dryers then?

Tania:  No, usually we just get the client to pop her head out of the bomb doors at the rear of the plane. Now if you would return to the terminal building our Animal Welfare Officer will take care of your pet.

EXIT FOURTH PASSENGER

Enter Fifth Passenger

Tania:  Good morning, Madam. Welcome aboard Cut Price Air. I’m sorry but as Charlene has already told one passenger I’m afraid pets aren't allowed.

Fifth Passenger:  I haven’t got a pet but I saw a dog board the plane.

Tania:  Oh, that will be the Pilot’s dog. (To Charlene) Charlene, looks like our pilot is that old bloke they brought out of retirement.

Charlene:  How do you know?

Tania:  Well, this lady’s just seen Cindy, his guide dog, boarding the plane.

Fifth Passenger:  I don't like the sound of this.

Tania:  No, Madam, it's nothing to worry about, in the event of an emergency the dog is trained to take over the controls. It’s marvellous what they can train these ex Guide Dogs to do.

Fifth Passenger:  Really?

Charlene: (Looking passenger up and down)
Yes, and I can see why you travel with us. Buy all your clothes from Primark, do you? No. Ethel Austin? No. Then it must be Charity shops? Am I right? How did I know? Because I can tell the difference between good taste and…

Tania: (To Charlene)  There’s no accounting for taste, Charlene. Talking of taste, what is the in -flight meal today?

Charlene:  Pigs trotters or liver.

Tania:  For breakfast? (TO Fifth Passenger) Go and sit down there's nothing to see.

Fifth Passenger goes and sits down

Charlene:  Well, the duty chef said it needed using up because it was already two days out of date.

Tania:  Oh, that must have been Salmonella? She's the one who wears the menu on her apron.

Charlene:  How did you know it was Salmonella?

Tania:  When you said the food was out of date. Anyway, never mind that the passengers are all on board now so it’s time to do the safety announcement.

Charlene:  Oh, I love listening to you when you do that.

 

Tania:  Why thank you Charlene. One does one’s best.

Charlene:  Go on then.

Tania:  Ladies and gentlemen please pay attention while I go through the safety procedure for Cut Price Air which you may or may not be pleased to learn includes cut- price safety. Perhaps now might be an appropriate moment to look in the pocket of the seat in front because you may be lucky and find an illustrated safety procedure information sheet. (Charlene does actions like safety procedure only she just points with both hands to seat in front and then one hand to right and one to left,)

Tania: (Cont)  If you should find one, these are numbered and will be entered into a prize draw. The prize today is a beautiful silk parachute complete with hand stitched webbing. For those not lucky enough to be entered in the draw, I would advise you to pay close attention to what I am about to say.

There are oxygen masks, life-jackets and flotation aids somewhere on the plane. (Charlene just does vague actions with hands as if not knowing where these items are) If you should find any of these items please inform a member of the cabin crew who will offer a good exchange rate.

 

For example, an oxygen mask will be exchanged for a packet of in- flight nuts and a cold drink of your choice. A lifejacket will equate to an in- flight meal which today is either pigs' trotters or liver. And the much sought after flotation aid will be exchanged for a meal of your choice (Pause) cooked!

Passengers are advised that when we take to the air any hand luggage must be kept under your seat and if you have children travelling with you please make sure they are safely stowed away in the overhead lockers.

Cut Price Air would like to wish you a pleasant journey but as that is unlikely we won’t bother. Any passengers wishing to hi-jack the plane can purchase small amounts of explosives from the trolley on a first come first served basis. Larger amounts, however, must be ordered in advance.

Enter Sixth Passenger who barges past them and goes and sits on seat

Tania:  Where did she come from?

Charlene:  I checked her on board earlier.

Tania:  Oh, okay.

Anyway, to continue, my name is Tania and I am the Chief Air Hostess on your flight today. Now, please be patient while we run the necessary safety checks, pump up the tyres and wait for ground crew to swing the propellers. Right, that didn’t take long.... so now it’s chocks away. Didn't you hear me? I’m talking to you Madam, (Sixth Passenger mouths me) yes, you… the fat woman in the aisle seat scoffing chocolates. Charlene, confiscate that box of Milk Tray.

Charlene:  I’m sorry but it’s against company policy and for your own safety you are not allowed to scoff chocolates during take-off.

Tania:  Charlene, are there any hard ones left?

Charlene:  No. Sorry.

Tania:  Greedy cow!

Charlene:  We’ll just have to make do with the soft ones.

Tania: Yeah but I really fancied a hard one.

Second Passenger gets up and starts waving gun around.

Tania:Oh now what's he up to?  Would the man standing up please sit down? Can’t you see the seat belt sign is on? (Points) Yes, you sir, you waving the gun…sit down please and observe the seat belt sign until we're airborne.

And have all those explosives around your waist been purchased from the trolley? If not then they will be confiscated because it is company policy that only explosives bought from our airline are allowed to be used on the plane.

Second Passenger:
I won't sit down. You don't call the shots when I've got a gun in my hand.

Tania:  If you won't sit down I'll have Charlene send for security.

Charlene:  Eh!

Tania:  Send For Security.

Second Passenger quickly sits down

Charlene:  Didn’t know we had any.

Tania:  Cindy the Pilot’s dog. (PAUSE) Oh no, the red light’s on!

Charlene:  What does that mean?

Tania:  The old boy they’ve dragged out of retirement must have had another stroke, so it looks like Cindy’s already at the controls. Well now, there's only one thing left to say.

Charlene:  What's that?

Tania: (Placing hand on chest) ‘God bless America!’

Charlene:  Why God Bless America?

Tania:  Well, it’s what they always say in the films when disaster is about to strike.(Places hand on chest again) God Bless America and sod the rest of the world!

END