"Despatches"

“Despatches”

The setting is a Funeral Supermarket set out just the same as with a normal supermarket. It has an Express Checkout (Five items or less) and there are several young assistants working on different Checkouts. They are all sombrely dressed. At one Checkout an older woman, Denise is obviously the one in charge. Just like in a normal supermarket the aisles are all numbered and have notices saying what products are in that particular aisle. Such as Wreaths and Crosses A to G. Tombstones small Granite. Tombstones small Marble. Urns large and small.

Wayne: (To Denise on one of the tills at the Checkout)
Denise, there’s another delivery on its way. What should I do with it?

Denise:
Why you asking me?

Wayne:
Joe said.

Denise:
Well, he’s no business, Wayne. I’m not in charge.

Wayne:
He said you were Head of Refrigeration!

Denise:
I’m not. Not unless I get a pay rise. I’m not taking on any more responsibility.

Wayne:
The van will be here soon. I don’t know what to do.

Denise:
Go and look in Refrigeration and see if there are any spaces left.

Wayne:
There isn’t. I’ve already looked. Tell a lie, there were two. One was in Beloved Wife and Mother and the other was in Gone but not Forgotten. I could put it in one of them, I suppose.

Denise:
No, whatever you do don’t do that. Not after what happened the last time.

Wayne:
Why, what happened?

Denise:
It was an Indian gentleman and as there was no room in his section, he was put in Gone but not Forgotten. Only he was…forgotten…that is!

Wayne:
What happened?

Denise:
Well a body was flown out to India and as you probably know, with one particular religion it is the custom for the widow to throw herself onto the funeral pyre.

Wayne:
Yes, I’ve heard of that but I didn’t think it still happened.

Denise:
Well, I’m not sure on that either but in any event the widow obviously thought it did because she dutifully threw herself on the pyre and the fire soon took hold but Mr Choudry was still here in Refrigeration so the poor woman threw herself on to the pyre of someone she’d never so much as clapped eyes on.

Wayne:
Oh, that’s tragic.

Denise:
Yes, as you can imagine, the family kicked up a right stink! They said what right did she have to go throwing herself on a pyre that didn’t belong to her? So now you know never file a body anywhere other than where the wording of the wreath says.

Over the Public Address System we hear

‘Good afternoon shoppers my name is Elysian Fields and I have been your greeter for this morning. I will shortly be handing over to my colleague who will point you to all our special offers in store today. Before handing over, however, I would like to remind you that the lettering on our wreaths can be personalised to your own specification: for example, instead of Gone but not Forgotten we have found Gone and Don’t Come Back is proving very popular. Cards for the wreaths can also carry a very personal message as one lady had her card printed with the words ‘‘Trust you to Fuck off…”Oh fuck…oh sorry!’ She had something like ‘Trust you to go just when the rents due!’ So, don’t be afraid to express your emotions in a sentimental message for your loved one! This is Elysian Fields, your greeter, for this morning signing off and thank you for shopping at Despatches.’

Wayne:
Did you hear what Elysian just said. She said Fuck!

Denise:
Well it was what the customer wanted.

Wayne:
Well, anyway what shall I do with this delivery?

Denise:
It will just have to stay in the yard until there is a space.

Wayne:
I never thought of that.

Denise:
I know there are two due out this morning. A Beloved Husband and Father and another Gone but Not Forgotten. What have you got coming in?

Wayne:
Luckily, it’s A Beloved Husband and Father!

Denise:
Not lucky for him, poor sod!

Wayne:
No, still it makes my life easier.

Denise:
Oh, well, that’s all right then!

Wayne:
Thanks Denise. I best go and wait for the van…don’t want the driver bringing the deceased on to the shop floor.

Denise:
Wouldn’t be the first time.

Wayne leaves
.
Jerome Dromgoole: (The Store Manager Approaches Denise)
Denise there is a customer in Aisle 28 Beloved Wife and Mother who is looking decidedly unwell. Please despatch a member of staff to keep an eye on him. Oh, and make sure whoever you send has their tape measure to hand. One never knows when an opportunity might present itself.

Denise:
Yes, Mr Dromgoole. As soon as I have an assistant free.

Jerome:
Thank you. While I’m here, how are you getting on now that you are in charge of Refrigeration?

Denise:
Well, erm…the thing is…the thing…is….I don’t want the job! Not unless I get a rise as I already have enough responsibility with Wreaths and Crosses as well as supervising the Checkout assistants.

Jerome:
Why was this not brought to my attention before this.

Denise:
Well, I was never properly asked it was just assumed that I would do it but with no mention of any more money I didn’t feel it was something I wanted to do.

Jerome:
I see. Actually, the position does come with quite a substantial increase in remuneration but if it’s not something…

Denise:
How much? The increased remuneration? How much?

Jerome:
Oh, I see, the position is of interest to you now.

Denise:
Yes, I’m saving up to get married.

Jerome:
Oh and when is the happy event to take place?

Denise:
Oh, I’m not pregnant!

Jerome:
I’m very glad to hear it. I thought it was going to be necessary to have you transferred to our sister store Hatches but now it looks like I will lose you to Matches.

Denise:
No, I’m not getting married yet. I haven’t even met anyone suitable.

Jerome:
Oh, it was just the way you were speaking…

Denise:
It’s just that when I do meet someone suitable I want everything to be in place.

Jerome:
Well then…what about Refrigeration? Will you take it on?

Denise:
Yes if the money is right.

Jerome:
Come to my office at closing time and we will discuss it further.

Jerome walks slowly away.

Over the Public Address System we hear

Good afternoon Shoppers Welcome to Despatches the one stop shop for all your funeral needs. My name is Angel High and I am your greeter for this afternoon. May I draw your attention to what we have on special offer in store today. We have a wide selection of tombstones many of which are better than half price. Decorative Urns to take your Loved One’s ashes are Buy One Get One Free so are not an opportunity to be missed and finally all Oak Caskets have twenty percent off if purchased with storage facilities in our newly refurbished Refrigerated Rest Area. So if you have a Loved One lying about waiting for burial why not take advantage of our facilities and at the same time make a killing by getting twenty per cent off your casket. There’s never been a better time to bury someone so why not grab yourself a bargain while the offer is there?

A young woman customer, Frankie, approaches Denise.

Frankie:
Excuse me. Can you tell me where I can find a Devoted Husband?

Denise:
If I knew that I wouldn’t be working here.

Frankie:
I beg your pardon.

Denise:
Take no notice I’m a bit cranky this morning. Devoted Husbands are in aisle 23.

Frankie:
I would also like to speak to a Party Planner if I may.

Denise:
Oh, you’re planning a party for him, eh?

Frankie:
Well, not so much for him…

Denise:
No, I don’t suppose he’ll enjoy it as much as he might once have done! Still, nice idea!

Frankie:
Yes, I thought so. It’s the least he deserves!

Denise:
Anyway, I’ll put out a call. (Over the Public Address System)
Party Planner to Till Thirteen, please. Party Planner Till Thirteen…

A young woman, Cassie, approaches.

Cassie:
Was it you who called, Denise?

Denise:
Yes Cassie. This lady would like your help.

Cassie:
If you would like to step this way madam?

Cassie walks towards a desk with a computer and sits down beckoning Frankie to do the same.

Cassie:
Now, what did you have in mind, madam?

Frankie:
I’m open to suggestions, really. Oh, and please do call me Frankie.

Cassie:
Well, if cost is an issue then our Budget Plan might be of interest. With this Plan you get food, drink and karaoke and at £6.00 a head it is very reasonable but if you have more in the kitty than perhaps our Premium range.

Frankie:
What would I get with that?

Cassie:
Well all of what comes with the Budget but with the addition of live entertainment!
That comes out at a very reasonable £10.00 a head

Frankie:
Oh no, I was thinking of a bit more than that.

Cassie:
I think I know what might just appeal to you. What about a themed party. Now they really are fun!

Frankie:
That sounds good to me.

Cassie:
Yes you get everything from both the Budget and Premium ranges but with the addition of a magician. Although, of course, he can’t bring your loved one back! He’s a magician not a miracle worker!

Frankie:
No, and I wouldn’t expect him to. But is that it?

Cassie:
No, there’s so much more. First, we decorate the hall with bunting. You have a choice of two styles here. One style has coffins printed on each little flag and the other style just has a plain cross…if your taste leans towards something simpler?

Frankie:
Oh no I like the sound of the first one…the one with the coffins!

Cassie:
An excellent choice if I may say so. With that one you can even have a nameplate printed on the coffins. How good is that?

Frankie:
Oh that sounds wonderful. I’m getting so excited. Almost can’t wait. But how much is all this going to cost?

Cassie:
That depends on whether you decorate the hall yourself or we do it all for you.

Frankie:
Oh, I would like you to do it all. I think as the grieving widow I’ll have enough to do on the day. As it is I don’t know how I’m going to fit it all in. I’ve got to get my hair done as well as a manicure and pedicure Then I’ve got to get over to the other side of town to get my bikini line waxed as well as trying to find time for a spray tan. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to make the service. Still, I suppose they can start without me. If I’ve heard The Old Rugged Cross once… and I’m not one for standing round burial plots looking miserable.

Cassie:
No, that’s understandable…it’s only natural you want to look your best on your big day!

Frankie:
Yes. I’ve got the most gorgeous dress and my shoes are to die for.

Cassie: (Giggling)
Well, yes, in that respect, he was very obliging!

Frankie: (laughing)
Never thought of it like that.

Cassie:
Well as we always say here in Despatches. If someone’s been good enough to pop off then the least the grieving rellies can do is throw a good party! Something to remember him by. Otherwise it’s a wasted effort on the part of the deceased and a missed opportunity on the part of the rellies.

Frankie:
Do you know you’ve properly done me good. Everyone else has been telling me I’ve got to wear black but that colour just makes me look washed out. From choice I wouldn’t be seen dead in black, oops, pardon me. And then they tell me to keep it very low key.

Cassie:
Oh, take no notice. There are always party poopers ready to put the dampers on anything that looks like it might be fun! You have what you want.

Frankie:
I’m never gonna meet anyone if I stick at home wearing black and looking miserable, am I?

Cassie:
Quite right. How long’s it been since you lost your husband.

Frankie:
Last Monday. Not the Monday just gone. Monday…last week.

Cassie:
Well, you’ve spent enough time grieving. I know it’s a difficult thing to do but you’ve got to cast aside your grief and put yourself out there again.

Frankie:
That’s just how I feel.

Cassie:
Then that brings us nicely to the guest list. How many were you thinking?

Frankie:
Well, he didn’t have many friends but I’ve got loads.

Cassie:
Well you need a good mix to balance things.

Frankie:
Oh yes. I’ve got a good mix.

Cassie:
How many females?

Frankie:
Two! His two old aunties.

Cassie:
How many males?

Frankie:
Fifteen! Not counting my brother.

Cassie:
Oh yes perfect! You’re right not to count your brother. I take it the other gentlemen are all eligible?

Frankie:
No point asking them if they weren’t.

Cassie:
That’s the spirit! Oh, what am I saying? He’s the spirit, well, hopefully!

Frankie:
What else do I get if I settle on a themed party and how much is it per head?

Cassie:
Well, I would suggest with fifteen men you go for something with uniforms. I don’t know about you but I love a man in uniform.

Frankie:
Oh so do I. That sounds a really good idea.

Cassie:
So now we must decide what uniform. What about Firemen, do you like their uniform? Or RAF Pilot or even a Sailors uniform can look good on the right type of physique?

Frankie:
No. None of them grab me.

Cassie:
Wouldn’t complain if they did, eh?

Frankie:
I think I’m gonna have to give it more thought. I don’t want to rush into anything. Can I let you know?

Cassie:
Yes, of course you can.

Frankie:
No, wait I’ve got it! Lifeguard! I want Lifeguards!

Cassie:
But they only wear little trunks…

Frankie:
Yeah, that’s just what I was thinking.

Cassie:
Oh I see where you’re coming from. Have you been watching re-runs of Baywatch? But what about the two elderly aunts though?

Frankie:
No, I don’t think we want to see them in little trunks!

Cassie:
Very wise…could ruin the atmosphere. I suppose they do have to come.

Frankie:
They’re his only living relatives.

Cassie:
Pity!

Over the Public Address System we hear

Good afternoon shoppers this is Angel High your Greeter for this afternoon. May I draw your attention to our Party Planning Service. Feeling a bit run down – Don’t wait till it’s too late let us plan for the event. Let us make your demise a fantastic surprise! We can provide any sort of music for the event from funeral dirges to songs from the musicals.

Frankie:
That’s something I hadn’t thought about. Music! What do I want? What would you suggest? I don’t think I want something from the musicals.

Cassie:
No my guess is you would want something more pop orientated. No, I’ve got it! What about a rock anthem to start off with…Queen? Now that would be good.

Frankie:
Yeah, that sounds great but which one?

Cassie:
Who Wants to Live Forever” That’s very popular. Always seems to go down well.

Frankie:
Yes. That’ll do for openers but then what?

Cassie:
Well, there’s no sensitive way to put this but what did your Loved One die of?

Frankie:
Heart Attack!

Cassie:
Then it’s got to be Bonnie!

Frankie:
Bonnie? Oh, Bonnie Tyler!

Cassie:
“It’s a Heart Ache Nothing but a Heartache”

Frankie:
Though in his case it was a bit more than that but does it matter?

Cassie:
Not if you want to create the right ambience. You could even have “A Total Eclipse of the Heart” That often goes down well.

Frankie:
But I did also think I would like a Hymn but now that doesn’t seem as if it would fit in with the music already chosen. I could do with something halfway between a Hymn and a pop song.

Cassie:
Then it has to be Dolly! Dolly Parton! “He’s Alive!” Though, of course, that can’t be taken too literally. But it does fit the bill one hundred per cent.

Frankie:
Oh, I’m so glad I came to this store instead of just getting a quote from Able and Able.

Cassie:
Now, what about a wreath? What did you have in mind?

Frankie:
Could you do a football pitch.

Cassie;
Yes, I think that is within the realms of possibility. And the wording?

Frankie:
One Nil!

Cassie:
Just that?

Frankie:
Just that.

Cassie:
And the design?

Frankie:
A Goal Mouth with a football just over the line.

Cassie:
This is getting interesting. I wish I could be there to see your Loved One laid to rest.

Frankie:
Well, why don’t you come…you’ll be most welcome. I feel like we’ve become friends.

Cassie:
Would you mind. I really would love to come. It sounds like my sort of party...fifteen men in trunks! Just what I need to take my mind off this job because it can be very depressing you know, dealing with people’s grief. It’s a sensitive issue so it requires a lot of tact. But are you sure now?

Frankie:
I’ve said, haven’t I?

Cassie:
Okay. You’re on. When is it?

Frankie:
Not sure yet. Waiting for the Coroner.

Cassie:
Oh!

Frankie:
Formality. Just a formality.

Cassie:
Why? (Laughs) Did he die in suspicious circumstances?

Frankie:
Yes.

Cassie:
YES!

Frankie:
YES!

Cassie:
How? What?

Frankie:
He’d been playing football. Two, three times a week. Never thought a thing about it. Then one night, got home early from work so thought I would go and watch him play.

Cassie:
Did you see him score?

Frankie:
You could say that. But unfortunately for him it was an own goal.

Cassie:
What do you mean?

Frankie:
He was all over this young redhead stood on the touchline. Obvious what was going on. So I took steps, so to speak.

Cassie:
What steps?

Frankie:
Well, it wasn’t the first time so I sent a couple of the boys to rough him up a bit but none of us knew he had a dicky heart. But as it turned out they never laid a finger on him just the sight of them was enough to scare the shi… Next thing the fuzz are knocking on my door telling me he’s snuffed it. So now you know why he deserves a good send-off!

Cassie:
Well, I think that’s commendable in the circumstances. I don’t think I could be so forgiving. Anyway, I think that’s as far as we can take it today but let me look in my diary to see what appointments I’ve still got available then we can sort out the finer details at the next meeting.

Cassie picks up a big black diary and flicks through till she finds the page.

Cassie:
How about Tuesday the 25th?

Frankie:
Yes I think that’s good. About this time?

Cassie:
Yes. I’ll put you in for two o’clock. How does that sound?

Frankie just nods.

Cassie:
It would help me to plan if I knew your spending limit.

Frankie:
Oh, don’t worry about that. Knowing what a womanizer he was I made sure I kept him well insured and he had a very profitable business so money is not a problem.

Cassie:
And your name is Frankie what?

Frankie:
Howard…Frankie Howard.

Cassie laughs then looks apologetic

Cassie:
Oh, sorry. Thought you were kidding me.

Frankie:
Why?

Cassie:
Why, well because he was a comedian…Frankie Howard!

Frankie:
Well my old man wasn’t a comedian but he was a joke! Who’s laughing now though, eh? Two houses, a Ferrari, money in the bank…with those sorts of perks it’s almost worth singing the Old Rugged Cross again…

The End