Flight DCT 13

Flight DCT 13 1592 words - Cobbled together from some old emails

Another one from The Parkinson's Players' Revue 'Where Did It All Go Wrong?'  

Running time approx 9 minutes

Ladies and Gentleman this is your Captain speaking welcome aboard Delta Airlines flight number DCT 13 and I appreciate the confidence you have shown in our airline by flying with me, a newly qualified pilot.  So now, you can just sit back and relax and cast all thoughts of today being Friday the 13th completely from your mind secure in the knowledge that our company have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.  

Unfortunately…none of them are on this flight.  However, you will be pleased to know I will be flying non-stop until I find where the brakes are which, hopefully, will be before we reach our destination.

Due to unexpected turbulence we will arrive just a little bit later than scheduled but I will give an ETA just as soon as my co-pilot has found the map and has worked out how to read it.  Weather at our destination is fine with broken cloud, which is nothing to do with me, I didn’t break it and the temperature is 25 degrees Celsius.

What’s that Number One…the flight deck mics won’t switch off and the passengers can hear everything we say.  Well, as we’ve got flames coming from the front starboard engine I think I had better make an announcement.

Ladies and Gentlemen, if any of you have noticed flames coming from the front starboard engine this is nothing to be concerned about and there is no cause for alarm as this plane is designed to be able to function on just three engines.  So sit back and relax and your cabin crew will bring round the drinks trolley. 

It would be appreciated, however, if the flight crew could be served first as they seem to need something to calm their nerves and will someone please stop my co-pilot from leaving the aircraft especially as he is wearing my parachute.  And while you’re at it, could someone please wake up the Navigator?

Now then, now then, stop all that screaming that wasn’t me that was just a little bit of whhhooooooooooooo turbulence.  See, Number One, I managed to pull us out of that dive, didn’t I tell you I’d got things under control. This might be my first flight since qualifying but no one can say I’m not learning on the job.  With this amount of turbulence I think I had better make another announcement. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, due to adverse weather conditions I think it best to inform you that in the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling then stop screaming and pull the mask over your face.  (PAUSE)  If you have a young child travelling with you, put your mask on before helping them with theirs.  (PAUSE)  If you have two small children travelling with you…it’s time to decide… (PAUSE AND LOOK UP) which one do you like best?

What’s that, Number One, you can see smoke coming from a Portside engine then it might be a good idea if we put up the No Smoking sign then follow that with the Seat Belt sign.  Oh, and then remind the passengers of the emergency exit drill.  What…you can’t remember it?  Well just tell them there may be fifty ways to leave their lover but there are only four ways out of this aircraft. 

Ladies and Gentlemen if you can see smoke coming from one of the Portside engines this is no cause for alarm as this plane is designed to function on just two engines.

Could the Chief Steward come to the flight deck please?  (PAUSE)  Are there you are Chief? In the event that another engine should blow then you will need to show the passengers how to adopt the crash position. I don’t want to cause alarm but I think it might be a good idea to find out if we have a doctor on board, oh, and possibly a Priest, best to cover all eventualities. 

Number One, I don’t think we’re off course at all. I think   that building we just flew over was St Pauls.  Oh, you don’t think so.  I suppose you’re right…one dome does look very much like another.  That square would have been the ideal place for me to try to land this bird if it hadn’t been so full of people.  Never mind we’re still in the air so every cloud…

Oh, hell and damnation, did you see that God Almighty explosion?  I’ve lost another engine that’s three now.  I think I had better make another announcement. 

Ladies and Gentlemen, if any of you saw the teensy weensy little explosion from the second portside engine this is no cause for alarm as this plane is designed to function on just the one…engine (Change of tone – irritable) oh now what?  Well, I think I am entitled to worry, it’s the only remaining engine and you’re the First Engineer…okay, so why is it making that scraping noise?  You don’t know.  Well, if you don’t then I’m sure I don’t.  Still, as long as we stay in the air I can’t worry about it. 

Ladies and Gentlemen to put your mind at rest should we have to ditch over water your seat cushions can be used to aid flotation, and in that event, compliments of Delta Airlines, you have your Captain’s permission to take the cushions to enable you to paddle to shore.  However, a small deposit will be required as you exit.

I am also at this moment in radio contact with Air Traffic Control just to be on the safe side and I have been informed that should we find ourselves in the water anywhere within a fifty mile radius of where we are now there is a ship in the vicinity and they will pick us up. 

Hang on…I am also being advised that Somali pirates are operating in the area too so to avoid being picked up by them make sure you board only the rescue vessel, that way you will be safe.  (PAUSE)  Aaah! The name of the rescue vessel is just coming through now…  Right, the vessel you need to look out for is   (PAUSE AND LOOK UP) The Poseidon!  

Can the First Engineer come to the Flight Deck immediately please?  (PAUSE)  Ah, there you are.  Do you know what this dial thingie is telling us only it looks as if we’re running low on fuel?  Number One can you look for the instruction manual? 

While you’re doing that I think I had better put the passengers’ minds at rest so I’ll make another announcement.

Ladies and Gentlemen if you heard me say we are running low on fuel this is no cause for alarm because apparently this aircraft is designed to run for quite some time on empty.  However, in order to save any fuel we might still have and for your comfort the cabin lights will be dimmed and as we seem to have passed through the turbulence we should have a smooth and uneventful flight from now on so sit back and relax.

JEEESUS CHRIST!   I never expected that!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I‘m sorry if I scared you but while I was making that announcement a flight attendant brought me a scalding hot drink and then spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers!  What’s that number One? I should see the back of yours.  Oh, Number One, have you done number twos?  Well, not to worry, now the Navigator is fully awake he seems to think we are heading in the right direction.  I think I had better make another announcement.   

Ladies and Gentlemen, on landing, I would remind you to be sure to take all your belongings.  If you’re going to leave anything, then please make sure it is something we would like to have. It is against company policy to accept gratuities but we won’t tell if you won’t, however, an unwanted child is not considered a gratuity so please take the little scroat with you.    

Thank you for flying Delta Airlines.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.  It looks like we are coming in to land now so please remain in your seats until the seatbelt lights are switched off.

Pull back…PULL BACK...THE JOYSTICK!  You fool!

What’s that?  I don’t think I like what you’re insinuating chief.  I thought it was a very smooth landing for a first time.  What do you mean…did we land or were we shot down?

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for flying Delta Airlines and we look forward to you flying with us again.   If you enjoyed your flight with us then tell your friends.  If you didn’t then keep your gob shut! 

May I remind you that you are not allowed to smoke until you are well inside the main terminal building?   Should you still be waiting at the luggage carousel in the morning when I come back on duty I will notify the baggage handlers as it may be that the flight crew jettisoned your luggage when they knew we were running low on fuel.This is your Captain signing off and wishing you a safe onward journey, well safer than the one you’ve just had. Thank you for flying Delta Airlines and I hope it will not be too long before you take to the air with us again.