Proof of the Pudding! A sketch from a Parkinson's show

Proof of the Pudding! 1509 Words   A spoof on Agatha Christie

Cast List

Miss Marple

Identical twins, Constance and Camille. They are far from identical as one is tall and thin the other short & fat.

Martha/ Arthur /Butler/Murderer

Daisy

Eleanor

Bertie Snathlewaite, the supposed gunman

Roger Andout, the supposed knife man

Edwin Praymore, the supposed poisoner

The Body

All suspects are on stage

Miss Marple:

I have asked you all to meet me here in the study because one of you is a murderer and I intend to expose the guilty party who is in this very room, as I speak.

However, I could have vouched for Constance because I encountered her coming down the stairs at roughly the time of the murder but I couldn’t help noticing she was wearing a very pretty green bracelet. So I ruled her out because no one can be in two places at once but then I bumped into her again in the foyer but this time she was wearing a red bracelet. An exact replica of the green one and that was when I realised there were two of them. Identical twins in fact. So, it could be that either Constance or Camille had the opportunity to commit the murder.

Constance:

It couldn’t have been us. We were too busy knitting.

Camille:

Yes, that’s right.

Miss Marple:

A likely story. So what were you knitting?

Camille:

A twin set of course.

Miss Marple:

But you can’t deny you did have opportunity. I’ll get to the truth you know.

Constance:

We have an alibi.

Camille:

That’s right. We were watching Coronation Street at the time of the murder.

Miss Marple:

Aha! How did you know what time the murder took place?

Constance:

We heard a scream.

Miss Marple:

And you didn’t find that unusual?

Camille:

No, people often scream when we’re staying at Bertrams.

Miss Marple:

Why do they do that?

Constance:

You should know.

Miss Marple:

I have no idea.

Camille:

It’s when they’re checking out.

Constance:
And see their bill.

Camille:
Five star prices for one star service.

Miss Marple:

Now that’s interesting because that could provide a very good motive. I remember a case like this back in St Mary Mead. I’m fortunate in that I have a country cottage there. I don’t wish to boast but St Mary Mead is a very sought after village with property prices on the increase.

Edwin:

What has that got to do with the murder?

Miss Marple:

Well, it was up at the Manor house. I regularly get invited to their functions because they rely on me to solve their murders.

Bertie:

How many murders do they have for goodness sake?

Miss Marple:
Oh, quite a few, I was even targeted once.

Bertie:

Not surprised seeing as how you can’t resist interfering in matters that don’t concern you.

Constance:
Well, it couldn’t have been us.

Miss Marple:
I’m not convinced. But I’ll accept what you say for the moment because there is someone here in this very room whom I have seen with a gun. Yes, you know who I’m talking about, Bertie Snafflethwaite.

Bertie:

Yes, I carry a gun but it is only for my own protection. The food here is absolutely dreadful but when I complained to Edwin Praymore, the Chef, he came at me with a knife.

Miss Marple:

Yes, Edwin, what have you to say for yourself?

Edwin:

Well, it’s like this, I don’t mean any harm it’s just that I’m never happy unless I’ve got a knife or some other tool in my hand.

Miss Marple:
Well, I’ve seen what you can do with a knife. That magnificent tiger you carved from just a table leg is just the skill you need if you have murderous intentions. As for the chopper, it could be a very useful implement to someone with your skills.

Constance:

Oh, so it was you who pinched our table leg and I too have seen you come out of the kitchen with your chopper in your hand.

Camille:

No wonder my scrambled egg soup always ended up in my lap.

Miss Marple:
I’m not sure yet what the cause of death was but if it was the result of that awful soup, then Edwin Praymore I put it to you that you must be the murderer.

Edwin:

Don’t point the finger at me. I’m just a chef with a penchant for choppers.

Bertie:
And knives. Let’s not forget his skill with a knife.

Miss Marple:

Of one thing you can be sure, I will get to the bottom of this before anyone leaves this room.

Roger Andout:

Surely, it’s obvious what the cause of death was?

Miss Marple:
Who’s the sleuth here, Roger Andout? (PAUSE) Yes, it is obvious. (PAUSE) What is?

Roger:

Poison! It must have been.

Miss Marple:

Aha! How did you know it was poison? Now we’re getting at the truth. I put it to you that you are the murderer...

Roger:

How do you make that out?

Miss Marple:
Because only you knew it was poison that did for him.

Roger:

Only because there’s no bullet or knife wound.

Miss Marple:
You can’t throw me off the scent by confusing me with facts.

Roger:

Strikes me it doesn’t take much to confuse you.

Miss Marple:
If only I knew what poison was used.

Body; (Sitting up momentarily)

Arsenic, it was arsenic.

Miss Marple (Pushing him back down)

Who asked you? I’m the sleuth so you just get back to being the victim.

Eleanor:

Why don’t you try using your little grey cells like Hercule Poirot?

Miss Marple:

Don’t speak to me about that charlatan. Little grey cells indeed. I don’t know why Agatha ever bothered with him. I’m a much better sleuth and I’m read more widely.

Roger:

Well, I think he would have solved this case quicker than you.

Miss Marple:
For your information, I have already solved it.

Eleanor:

How did you do that?

Miss Marple:

It’s easy...the Butler did it!

Roger:
What makes you say that?

Miss Marple:
It’s always the Butler in Agatha’s books.

Daisy:
Well, you’ve come unstuck with this one because Bertram’s doesn’t have a Butler. Never has had. So, you’re not much of a sleuth, are you?

Eleanor:

No, she’s not. I agree with Roger. You don’t seem to know what side your bread is buttered.

Miss Marple:
Oh but I do. Well, at least I know the difference between butter and margarine. Bertram’s has never served butter. That’s how they keep their prices down to a pound a night, and furthermore, Bertram’s has always employed a Butler but you wouldn’t know that because…

Arthur/Martha: (Standing up)

Okay, the games up. I admit it. I didn’t want the guests to know I was a Butler because they would expect me to wait on them.

Miss Marple:
So, you decided to pretend to be a woman.

Arthur/Martha:

Yes, and I would have got away with it if you hadn’t guessed. How did you know?

Miss Marple:

Well, you see, it was the Vicar’s wife in St Mary Mead that gave me the clue.

Eleanor:

What clue?

Miss Marple:

The Vicar’s wife used to dress up as a man so she didn’t have to take the young mothers for the flower arrangement classes. Though from what I heard it was more like de-flowering by arrangement according to the Verger’s wife as the young mother's group increased to such an extent that they had to re-locate.

Daisy:
What the young mothers?

Miss Marple:

No, the Vicar and his wife because the Bishop was about to expose them and it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen the Vicar exposed.

Arthur/Martha:

Well, you’re right, but what you don’t know is that I have a gun and I’m not afraid to use it, so you’ll never take me alive.

Daisy:

You’re not the only one. I’ve got a gun as well.

Constance:

So have I.

Miss Marple:

What script are you reading from?

Camille:
No, Miss Marple, you’re right, it’s not in mine either.

Eleanor:

It’s in mine.

Miss Marple:
Well, I’m going to follow my script as that shows me in the best possible light.

Camille:

Yes, just ignore them.

Miss Marple:

I will, and thank you. I knew you weren’t the murderer.

Camille:

So nice of you to say.

Miss Marple:
That’s Okay.(To Arthur/Martha) So you see, you’ll never get away with it. You just think of me as an old woman who knits inconspicuous blanket squares but hidden in my ball of wool is a gun too and if I have to use it.

Arthur/Martha goes to sit down and Miss Marple shoots him

Miss Marple:
That’ll teach him to try to pull the wool over my eyes. What’s more Agatha Christie, I’ve also shot your blue-eyed boy, Hercule Poirot? You’ve no one to blame but yourself. You kept allowing him to overshadow me but now I’m top dog! Who knows, if I play it right...I might even get a Television series out of this.

 

End