Romeo and Juliet Live on a Council Estate in Peckham

Romeo and Juliet live on a Council Estate in Peckham  –  2791 words

A short burst of music from first track on CD.  This to be played before Juliet speaks

Romeo is off stage 

Juliet is on stage seated at a table. Romeo's script is open at the right page and is on the table.  Juliet is dressed in Elizabethan Clothes – Romeo is wearing modern day clothes.  If possible a leather jacket
        

Juliet: (Looking up)
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou?

Enter Romeo speaking the first line which I think can be memorised.

Rom:
Julie, Julie, Julie, will you stop calling me Romeo.

Juliet:
If that is what you desire my liege, though ‘tis thy name but wherefore art thou?

Now Romeo starts reading from the script

Rom:
I know tis my name but if word gets out I’ll never live it down and I’m here, as always, under your balcony and those clothes you’re wearing there’ll be no mistaking wherefore thou art. (Sits down)

Juliet:
Oh, good my lord, is that a joke that you play with my words so?

Rom:
‘Tis a joke though a touch feeble, but, please, no more giving it wherefore art thou…not on this estate.  If any gang members hear you talk like that then we’re done for.

Juliet:
No, my prince, that is no way for a Montague to speak.  

Rom:
Julie, will you keep your voice down and how many times have I told you?  I am not a prince.

Juliet:
You are to me my love.  You are of high birth so ‘tis good enough.  The Montagues are a high born family.

Rom:
How did I ever get mixed up with a screwball like you?

Juliet:
Oh, good my lord, a screw is quite out of the question.
My nurse, she doth attend us and you know what she is like.  

Rom:
In truth I know she can’t keep her gob shut.

Juliet:
Oh, my prince, that is no way to speak of the woman who has cared for me since I was a babe in swaddling.

Rom:
I’ll never understand you.  Why can’t you talk like other folks?

Juliet:
I am a Capulet I cannot speak like other folks.

Rom:
And I’m a Montague but you don’t hear me carrying on like you.

Juliet:
‘Tis good that you don’t or my cousin, Tybalt, might take it upon himself to duff you up.

Rom:
I’m not scared of him.  He’s nothing but a loud mouth.

Juliet:
Prithee, my Lord, have you not seen his weapon?

Rom:
What do you mean?

Juliet:
Sire, his weapon is known throughout the land.

Rom:
What is it about his weapon that you exclaim so?

Juliet.:
Oh, good Lord…How strange…that is just what people say when they see it.

Rom:
What?

Juliet:
Oh good lord!

Rom:
Are we talking about the same thing?  

Juliet:
Oh Romeo, if only we could be married.  But I am only fourteen and far too young to get tied down to a Montague, even if I was into bondage, which I am not, though my beating heart dost desire it so.

Rom:
For a fourteen year old you are worldly beyond your years.  Bondage indeed!  Why I was almost nineteen before I had knowledge of such a thing.

Juliet:
It doth sound like fun though.  But alas and alack I am devoid of pink fluffy handcuffs although I have heard my lady Anne Summers dost have a goodly pair.

Rom:
You speak true, fair Juliet, (Look at Juliet) I’ve seen them... and they are a goodly pair!  But cast such thoughts from thy mind and pray tell me what dost thou wish to do tonight?

Juliet:
Tonight , tonight, won’t be just any night.  Oh sorry, stepped into the wrong sketch for a mo.

Rom:
Look, Julie, I can’t hang about here all day listening to you mythering.

Juliet:
Oh, good my Lord, look yonder, I see Tybalt on the horizon and you can be sure if he sees you he'll be looking for a fight.

Rom:
Yeah, well, he can bring it on because I’ve just seen my cousin Mercutio coming from  the other direction (Points the opposite way) on the horizon.  Now he is a scrapper.

Juliet:
But what of Tybalt’s weapon?

Rom:
What's so special about Tybalt's weapon that you exclaim so? 

Juliet:
You obviously haven't seen it.

Rom:
Yes well, Mercutio’s weapon is also worthy of a second look.

Juliet:
Oh, my Prince, we must hurry away from this place.  They have seen each other and will surely fight to the death.

Rom:
Yeah, we don’t want to get mixed up in anything like that.  I’ve had it on good authority that Mercutio doth kill Tybalt and that the two of us cop it too.

Juliet:
Oh this is terrible I must flee to Friar Lawrence for a potion.

Rom:
You’ll be lucky he’s still in our proper time zone.  And in any event you don’t want to go drinking any more of his potions.  Look what happened the time before last…knocked you out for days.  I thought you were dead so when he said ‘Something for the weekend, sir?’ I said ‘Yes please.’ and the blinking stuff nigh put me in a coma too.

Juliet:
Yes, but it was worth it to bring the two houses of Montague and Capulet into harmony.

Rom:
Oh, you silly cow, how can you say that when on yonder hill Mercutio and Tybalt are in deadly battle.  

Juliet:
Prithee, my good prince, you call me silly cow again and I swear I’ll have my nurse talk you to death.

Rom:
Oh, no that is too horrible a thought.  For a start she’s not got a tooth in her head and she spits when she’s talking.

Juliet:
Well then don’t anger me further.  Oh look, there’s my friend Ophelia. She goes out with that mad chap.  What’s his name?
Rom:
Hamlet.  Do you mean Hamlet?

Juliet:
The very same.

Rom:
She needs her head testing.  He’s a nutter always going on about suicide and nightmares.  I don’t know what he’s on or who he gets his stuff from but it's my impression it's  not good quality. 

Juliet:
He gets it from those two rogues Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

Rom:
Oh that explains it. They’re a right pair I wouldn’t trust them as far as I could banish them.  They come from that rough council estate, Elsinore Park Villas.

Juliet:
Poor Ophelia she doth mope for Hamlet because I heard he chucked her…

Rom:
I’m not surprised, her dad’s another nutter and so is her brother.

Juliet:
Good my lord, that is no way to speak of Polonius and Laertes is a dear sweet boy. 

Rom:
Oh, and what do you know about this Laertes then?

Juliet:
I know that he follows his father’s advice to neither a lender nor a borrower be. 

Rom;
Sounds more like that chap that makes exceedingly good cakes.

Juliet:
No, you are confusing him with the Kipling that wrote ‘If.’

Rom:
If what?

Juliet:
Not, if what…If, just If.

Rom:
You can’t just say if. There has to be more.

Juliet:
For a prince you can be a bit thick at times.

Rom:
Who you calling thick and I’ve told you before I’m not a prince?

Juliet:
Sire, give thy thoughts no voice you can’t deny your high birth.  You are a Montague  (PAUSE)  Oh look, sire, ‘tis poor Ophelia and what is it she is doing?  It looks like she is going for a swim in her clothes.  

Rom:
See, I told you she must be a nutter too, coming as she does, from a long line of nutters.

Juliet:
No it is Prince Hamlet who is the nutter.  Chucking her like that. ‘Tis enough to take her mind.  Dost thou know what he said to her?

Rom:
No.

Juliet:
Get thee to a nunnery and she’s not even Catholic.

Rom:
Yes, well if she is all there why has she gone swimming in her clothes?  The water will weigh them down and she will surely drown.

Juliet:
Yes, ‘tis pity enough and it is not even a nice picturesque river so all the evidence points to her mind being taken or she would never choose to drown in that filthy canal and once drowned I will be left bereft.

Rom:
You’re all heart you are, Juliet.

Juliet:
Do I not speak the truth.  What is to become of me now?  It looks like I will be in need of a new best friend.

Rom:
Blimey, Jules, you don’t hang about, do you? She’s not even drowned yet but ‘tis off with the old and on with the new.

Juliet: 
Please don’t say blimey Jules it makes you sound like you’ve been listening to Chas and Dave.  

Rom:
Okay, well then we’ll let muvver sort it out when she comes round here.

Juliet;
Oh, good my lord, how common is that expression, it does not sit well coming as it does from your lips, my prince.

Rom:
Oh you’re such a snob.  I like Chas and Dave.  They’re always good for a knees up.

Juliet:
That’s as may be but it would be most unseemly for a Capulet to be seen cavorting to a Chas and Dave song.  My father would see me in a nunnery if he should catch me at it.

Romeo:
Chance would be a fine thing.

Juliet:
Romeo, my sweet prince, don’t let my father hear you speak like that lest he think you have been at it.

Rom:
No worries there. I’ve tried oft enough but your bloody nurse always interferes.

Juliet:
Yes she doth protect my honour.

Rom:
She takes too much on herself.  

Juliet:
When we are married it will be different.

Rom:
Too bloody right. She’ll be the first to go.

Juliet:
What is this you say Romeo.  I will not countenance such a thing.  Why I have it on good authority that Friar Lawrence persuaded my father to employ her.

Rom:
That sounds about right.  I thought it was him that was responsible.

Juliet:
Responsible for what?

Rom:
Thanks to that interfering Friar Lawrence that nurse is a plague on both our houses.

Juliet:
Oh, sire, that is too cruel.  Your tongue does you no service.

Rom:
Pity your nurses’ tongue doesn’t go in for a service.

Juliet:
Enough of this talk of my nurse.  She has always served me well and I will not countenance her departure once we are wed.

Rom:
But she sleeps in the same bed with you.

Juliet:
There is room for one more.

Rom:
But what of my conjugals?

Juliet:
Oh, I didn’t know you had a dog though ‘tis a strange name for an animal but there will be room for him too.

Rom:
You misunderstand.

Juliet:
No, I choose not to understand.  My father would be outraged to hear you speak so.

Rom:
Well then what’s to be done?  

Juliet:
I will seek guidance from Friar Lawrence.

Rom:
Mark my words it will all end in tears. If you listen to Friar Lawrence again then who knows where we’ll end up?

Juliet:
What do you mean?

Rom:
Well it was that last bloody potion of his that has put us in 2015 completely out of our own time zone.

Juliet:
‘Tis true good my lord but pray tell me what are we to do?

Rom:
Don’t go buying anymore of Friar Lawrence‘s potions.   

Juliet:
No.

Rom:
No.  Try that place in the square.  Get a potion from them.  Boots I think is their name.  I have it on good authority that they sell potions and lotions that actually work and you get a discount if you have an advantage card. 

Juliet:
No, in truth, I cannot, my father sets great store by Friar Lawrence.

Rom:
Well, I dread to think what time zone we will end up in if you drink any more of his potions.

Juliet:
You do the Friar an injustice, his potions do work because the father of one of my friends was in a great deal of pain with one of his feet and he also had a sore throat.  The good friar told him to soak his foot in the early morning urine of his daughter’s pet dog and to wrap cabbage leaves round his throat and then strain his greens and drink the liquid through a straw.

Rom: 
And did it work?

Juliet:
No, his wife threw him out because she couldn’t stand the smell.  

Rom:
The smell… from what?

Juliet:
His foot and mouth.

Rom:
I’m not surprised.

Juliet:
Well her mother won’t allow him in the house so now he lives in a kennel but his foot is showing signs of improvement.

Rom:
What’s the man’s name?

Juliet:
Arthur, Arthur Ritetus.

Rom:
I’ve heard of him.

Juliet:
Most people have.

Rom:  
Well, I’ll just say this.  If you go against my wishes and drink any more of Friar Lawrence’s concoctions then I might not be responsible for my actions.

Juliet:
What talk is this, my sweet prince?

Rom:
I won’t stand for any more of your nonsense.

Juliet:
Oh, and pray tell me, why not?

Rom:
Because I don’t think the Friar knows what he’s doing.

Juliet:
I don’t think I like what you are implying.

Rom:
I’m implying nothing. You are too sensitive.

Juliet:
I know I have a weakness in that respect.  Oh look, (Points to where she pointed before) poor Ophelia methinks she is quite drowned.

Rom:
Come, let us do what we can for the poor wench.

Juliet:
Don’t try to change the subject.  What did you mean you will not stand for any more of my nonsense?

Rom:
Hey up, look yonder the gang from Elsinore Park Villas have spotted Mercutio and Tybalt and they look as if they are spoiling for a fight.  Quick let us find a hiding place.

Juliet:
Oh, good, my lord, they run towards us.  We are undone.

Rom:
Oh, no we’re not.  Look Mercutio and Tybalt have their weapons out.  Those Elsinore villains won’t stand a chance.

Juliet:
Oh Romeo, I see what you mean.  Mercutio’s weapon is also something to exclaim about.

Romeo:
Never mind about looking at their weapons.  Have you got any of Friar Lawrence’s potion left?
 
Juliet;
In truth, sire, ‘tis here in this pouch.

Rom:
Is there enough for the two of us?

Juliet:
I hardly dare know.

Rom:
Well, dare take a look.

Juliet:
‘Tis enough.

Romeo:
You drink first.  

Juliet takes a gulp 

Romeo looks at potion and takes a gulp

Romeo: 
I only hope the good friar has learned a thing or two  about potions although it will probably take a few minutes to work. Shall we walk in the park while we wait for it to take effect?  (Pause)  (Then louder) Shall we walk in the park (Pause) (Then louder still)  Come let us walk in the park...

Terry runs on and places a sign on the floor making sure it is visible to audience.  The sign says 'Keep off the grass' then he runs off but goes the wrong way so has to run back on stage, making face at audience and runs off the same side as he first entered from

Terry runs on again with withered plant in a pot and places it in direction where R & J will exit

Juliet: 
Oh yes, let's take a walk.  The gardens are lovely at this time of year.

Romeo and Juliet exit stage right.  More of music from CD then fades as Juliet comes back on stage and just walks about humming.

Then when Romeo is ready he comes on and they go back to script on table

Juliet:
Oh, my sweet prince, thank goodness, we are back in our own time zone.  For a moment there I thought we were undone.

Romeo: ( Makes a big thing of Checking flies)
No, I am quite done up…Oh, I see, I thought you meant…

Juliet:
I hope my cousin Tybalt fares well with his weapon.  Not forgetting Mercutio too, of course.

Romeo:
I wonder if I will ever fare well with mine.

Juliet:
The prospect doth draw nearer.

Romeo:
What?

Juliet:
Sire, I have just heard that my nurse has a new contract of employment.

Romeo:
What?  Contract…I don’t understand.

Juliet:
My nurse, she’s on annual leave.  Skegness, my father said.  

Romeo:
Skegness?

Juliet:
Yes, a strange choice, but they say the air is bracing so it has much to commend it. 

Romeo:
I’m confused.

Juliet:
Sire, do not dwell, just be under my balcony by eight-o’clock tonight.  Oh, and be sure to bring your weapon.

Romeo:
Why?

Juliet:
Because I want to see if it is also something to exclaim about.

The Sketch ends with a short extract from 'Tonight' from West Side Story