What I'm Thankful For

What I'm Thankful For

By Michael Lawrence

Mrs. Danes, after a full morning of hard work standing in line in the
grocery store holding an unwrapped, steaming cooked turkey under her
arm, she knew that this Thanksgiving would be a special one that she'd
regard with sweet and tender nostalgia in later years. With a tear in
her eye, she had to accept that her only child would go off to college
within a year. Her baby's grown up-even though he doesn't seem to act
like it. In any case, Mrs. Danes was determined that this Thanksgiving
ought to be a special one with some meaningful family discussion. She
read in a magazine that it is a real winner of an experience for
everyone in the family to share with each other what they have to be
thankful for. "I'm thankful for you, mom," Mrs. Danes imagined her son
saying to her and hugging each other with moisture in their eyes. Mrs.
Danes wiped a tiny tear and sniffed. The cashier was trying to scan the
cooked turkey, but couldn't seem to locate the bar code.

***

The family sat down at the table. It was 2 o'clock and Mrs. Danes
wouldn't allow her husband or her son to eat anything all day, just so
they could appreciate her store-bought feast. And they were furious
with her. With stomachs a-rumblin', Steve hungrily dug his hand inside
the bowl of whipped mashed potatoes and Mr. Danes quickly stuck his
fork into a candied yam and almost brought it to his mouth, but Mrs.
Danes who had simultaneously grabbed their wrists, abruptly stopped
their plans.

"Guys, not now," Mrs. Danes said sternly.

"Aww!" Mr. Danes complained. "I'm hungry. I haven't eaten all
day!"

"Oh mom!" Steve said shaking his head mockingly. "Look what you've done
to this poor man."

"Let's first say grace," Mrs. Danes said. "Steve why don't you start?"
Steve took his hand out of the mashed potatoes and met it with his
other hand in praying position.

"Dear lord. Grace. Amen," Steve said putting his hand back into the
mashed potatoes.

"Very good, son," Mr. Danes said proudly as he stuck his fork back into
the yam. Mrs. Danes grabbed both their wrists again and pulled them
out.

"Son, you can do better than that," his mother said. Steve gave his
mother a vicious stare and then solemnly bowed his head, mocking every
single preacher he'd ever seen on the television.

"Oh heavenly father, hollow be thy name," Steve started, "O, you are a
kind, loving lord, and we humans do not deserve such a gracious father
such as yourself. O, you are so much greater than us, o lord. If you
were the entire universe, o lord, we'd be the Sun. If you were the Sun,
we'd be the Starship Enterprise. If you were the Starship Enterprise,
we'd be Spock. If you were Spock we would be Spock's little toe nail.
If you were Spock's little toe nail, o lord, then how do you live with
his grooming habits? I mean, does he take better care of his toenails
than he does his ears? And why does he wear make-up? O, but I digress,
o lord and I am so sorry. We are but slugs in the
ocean&;#8230;struggling&;#8230;and we would wither away if it
wasn't for the anti-salt shield that you hath graciously provided for
us. We are but dandelions swaying in the middle of some guy's lawn, and
we would have dried out and die if that guy didn't have a heart attack
before spraying us with his harmful chemicals. We are but morons
running helplessly driving cars into each other and cursing. Without
you, o lord, we would strangle each other and then take each other to
court. For you have created us out of the stinky dust of the earth, but
you treat us like your favorite mug, and I thank you from the
bottommost pit of my heart. Dear lord, bless this food that you have so
graciously made available at the supermarket. Our stomachs are not
worthy to taste, digest, and poo such holy of foods-"

"Amen!" Mr. Danes yelled, trying to put an end to this.

"One second, o impatient earthly father," Steve said solemnly. "One
more thing, oh most heavenly of lords. Please make me very rich and
immortal. Amen."

"Amen!" Mr. Danes said briefly giving Steve a glare and then proceeding
to stick his fork back into that yam. Steve followed with the mashed
potatoes, but his mother grabbed both their wrists.

"Guys! Not yet!" Mrs. Danes exclaimed. "I would like to have a family
discussion first."

"Oh, Rhonda!" Mr. Danes disgustedly said.

"Before we eat, I want us to go around the table and share what we have
to be thankful for," Mrs. Danes said in her sweet, calm voice. Mr.
Danes was huffing.

"But I'm hungry!" he screamed.

"Please, honey. It'd be good for family communication," Mrs. Danes said
in a reassuring voice. "Why don't I start? What I'm thankful
for--"

"You should be thankful that dad doesn't file for divorce," Steve
said.

"Quiet, son," Mrs. Danes snapped. "I'm thankful for good health, a
loving family-namely my loving husband&;#8230;" (Mr. Danes laughs)
"&;#8230;and a most wonderful son. For that, I am eternally
grateful. You guys mean the world to me. You really do, and I love
you."

"Oh mom!" Steve said blatantly pretending to cry. "That was so sweet
and heartfelt that I think I'm going to cry! Oh mom! This is so sad
that I think I need some mashed potatoes." Steve stuck his hand back
into the mashed potatoes only to have it stopped by his mother.

"Now Steve!" Mrs. Danes reprimanded. She was a bit disappointed her
little speech didn't get much of a response. She then turned her
attention to her husband whose face was red. "Why don't you go next,
honey? What are you thankful for?"

"You want to know what I'm thankful for?!" Mr. Danes yelled. "I'm
thankful that I'm not dead! That's what I'm thankful for! Now, son,
please hurry up and say something so we can eat! I'm starving, now!
Please!"

"Settle down, honey," Mrs. Danes said.

"Settle down!" Mr. Danes screamed. "How can I settle down?! I'm a great
Broadway director and I am being denied of my food!"

"Oh, look what you did, mother," Steve said. "You're making him think
that his plays are good."

"Shut up, son!" Mr. Danes screamed. "Now speak! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD
SPEAK!"

"Okay" Steve said. "Above everything else, I am really thankful for
apple pie. The apples are sweet, the crust is light and flaky, and the
goop inside makes me think of my father's brain-"

"Oh get on with it!" Mr. Danes yelled with his tense hands through his
hair.

"Just one more thing, oh father," Steve said. "I am also very thankful
for my extremely sensual male physic that make women go into labor even
if they're not pregnant&;#8230;And you guys wonder why I can't find
a prom date."

"Good!" Mr. Danes yelled sticking his fork into the candied yam,
bringing it to his mouth, and almost swallowing it whole along with the
fork. Steve grabbed the entire bowl of mashed potatoes and was hungrily
eating out of it with his fingers. Mrs. Danes groaned.

"Okay, let's eat," she said to herself.

-----

Today I read:

"A Oliphant's Crate" by Justyn Thyme

http://www.abctales.com/abcplex/viewstory.cgi?s=23722

This one drew me in from the very start. It is, presumably, the
beginning of a novel and the character that Justyn introduces is indeed
a very interesting and intriguing one. I would be interested to find
out what this novel will turn into.