Celebrity Mummy

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Hello dear, it’s mummy. Saw you last night on the X Factor. Well the backstage show anyway. I did think that Simon was very mean about those poor twins. He really should be nicer. Daddy says hello, and did you get the thing he sent you about the pension plan? Love you darling.

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Hello dear, we’re all here looking out for you at the O2 Brit Awards sponsored by Gillette. I was surprised by Tony Blair as the opening act – I suppose the recession has hit everyone. Oh, there you are. My my dear, that dress is a little... provocative. Bryan from next door is salivating, I hope he doesn’t dribble on the new sofa. And why is he holding that cushion over his... oh. I’m going to go and get him a napkin. Love you!

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Hello again dear. I’m on my own waiting for the Waitrose man. I was reading on the paper you came stumbling out of the BBC canteen with Alex Zane. You know how I feel about him dear, he’s far too skinny. I thought you liked that chap who played Warren in Hollyoaks? Anyway, the Waitrose man is here now dear, must dash. Oh, and daddy wants to know if you’ve read the pension things yet? Bye!

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Celebrity Dances with Wolves... On Ice? I hope you know what you’re doing dear. Wrap up warm. Oh and Bryan from next door wants to know if you have any pictures of you on Hole in the Wall? Oh, he’s dribbling again...

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Just a quick call about Twitter dear. What is it? Someone called round for you, said they were a follower? I called the neighbourhood watch co-ordinator. And I read that Russell Brand is chasing after you dear. I do hope not. Oh, and daddy says that buying Jimmy Choos does not count as investment, and that Martin Lewis says Nationwide have a good package. Bye!

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I cannot believe you would possibly do that to Russell Brand! Call me please! Bryan from next door was a quivering wreck when he delivered the papers!

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Hello dear. Daddy here. Your mother took a fit of hysterics after the Daily Mail spread. She always was a bit prudish. This Brand character seems like a fine fellow to me. Why don’t you invite him over for a roast?

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Mummy again darling. I told daddy Russell was a vegetarian, so now he’s not welcome. Bryan has discovered the Dolly Rockers, so you’re safe for now. I think you’re off filming again now. I do hope your well darling. Love you.