5. Dinner Date

“Welcome to hell!” Kay said as she opened the door to me.

“What’s the matter?” I said as I followed her inside.

“Nina’s in the kitchen and she’s turned into Gordon-Fucking-Ramsey all over some stupid pudding. I told her we won’t want pudding with the amount of stuff she’s already cooked, but she has to be Ms-Fucking-Perfectionist-Dyke,” Kay said.

“Is it going to be all right?” I said.

“There’s only the four of us, you, me, Nina and Ryan, so it should be okay,” Kay said.
I followed her into their sitting room. She and Nina were having a dinner party in their new flat, the one I’d helped them move into less then a month ago, and Kay had insisted that I come. She’d promised me that would only be a few people there, just her and Nina and her brother Ryan. I’d never met Ryan, though I’d heard a lot about him from Kay, so the chance of doing so was attractive. Kay was always talking about him, her gay brother who was also a journalist (on a gay magazine) and was again between boyfriends. If it had been a party I’d have said no, I hate them. They are always full of people I don’t know and I always end-up hiding away in the kitchen.

The moment we got into the sitting room Nina’s voice came from the kitchen, which is right off it:

“It’s burnt, it’s fucking burnt!”

“Then we all go on a diet, God knows you’ve cooked enough!” Kay shouted back as she rushed through into the kitchen.

I looked around the sitting room, Kay and Nina had unpacked a lot since I was last here, and saw a guy sitting on the sofa. He was certainly Kay’s brother, he had the same strawberry blonde hair, though his was all shaggy and a bit too long, not the very short and neat style Kay kept her hair in, and the same round face dominated by the same dark green eyes. He was wearing a dark blue shirt over a pair of very pale chinos. God, he looked so good and he smiled at me as he stood up from the sofa.

“Hi I’m Ryan,” he said.

“I know that, I’m Chris,” I said.

“I sort of know that too, Kay talks a lot,” Ryan said.

“Okay, we won’t have a desert, we’ll all get pissed instead,” Nina said as she stormed into the sitting room, the hair all escaping out of her ponytail. “Hi Chris, welcome to our first dinner party,” she said as she came up to me and kissed me on the check.

The dinner part of it went really well. We all sat around Kay and Nina’s new Ikea dinning table and the food was good. Nina can be a bit of a Drama Queen but she’s a good cook. Ryan didn’t just take after Kay in looks, their personalities were so alike. They laughed at the same things, chatted in the same way, they even talked about the same things. I felt Kay and Ryan could have just chatted away together all evening, and it felt nice. I felt as if I was almost wrapped up in their conversation without having to work at it, I could just sit there and enjoy their chatting. Nina chatted away in the same way, it seemed she was just as comfortable with Ryan and got on just as well with him as Kay did. It was nice sitting there and just listening and enjoying their conversation.

We didn’t have any desert, by then even Nina agreed it was burnt and ruined, instead we drank some orange liqueur Ryan had brought.

“Your mother didn’t say anything to you about the card?” Nina said.

“I didn’t even see the card,” Ryan said.

“I told you, you shouldn’t have sent it,” Nina said.

“It was only a bit of fun, mum’s got a sense of humour and she always said she hated Mother’s Day. I thought it would cheer her up,” Kay said.

“What did the card say?” Ryan said.

“Happy Mother’s Day, Thanks for the Genes,” Kay said, with a smile.

“God, you didn’t. Grandmother has been giving her grief over us lately,” Ryan said.

“What’s the problem?” I asked.

“Our parents have four children and three of us are gay. Our grandmother, our mother’s mother, is a Mackerel Snapper of a Catholic, and doesn’t approve of all this homosexuality in the family,” Ryan said.

“Scott isn’t gay, he says he’s bisexual,” Nina said.

“Scott isn’t bisexual, he’s in denial. I’ve had more men then he’s had women,” Kay said.

“How many men have you had?” I said.

“One, once when I was at university. His name was Steven Jacks,” Kay said.

“Steven Jacks is queer,” Ryan said.

“I know, we both wanted to know if we were both queer, and we were both so drunk,” Kay said.

“So where you both full queers?” Nina said.

“God, yes. We both weren’t that keen on it. We weren’t grossed out but it wasn’t anything wonderful,” Kay said.

“Well, I’m a hundred percent dyke. The idea does gross me out,” Nina said.

We laughed at that.

“Tell Chris about your book,” Kay said.

“Are you sure?” Nina said.

“Chris could help,” Kay said.

“You’re writing a novel?” I said.

“No, I’m writing a non-fiction book. I’m shit at writing fiction. When I tried to before it always came out as flat and patronising,” Ryan said.

“I liked some of the short stories you wrote at university,” Kay said.

“I didn’t write them, I plagiarised them though my lecturers were too lazy to notice,” Ryan said.

“What’s your book about?” I said.

“I’m writing about The Release Trust, it’s a sort of exposure of what they get up to,” he said.

“The Release Trust?” I said. It wasn’t the subject I’d have thought he’d be writing about.

“Yes, they’re this Ex-Gay organisation. The main one in Britain. They’re this Evangelical Christian organisation that believes they can turn gay men straight with prayers and emotional blackmail,” he said.

“What made you choose them?” I said. I could feel Kay watching me.

“There’s been two big scandals about them recently. I covered them both for One Magazine. The first was when one of their leaders and head counsellors Henry Webb was caught cottaging. He got a suspended sentence; it wasn’t the first time he’d got caught but this time they couldn’t keep it secret. He was forced to resign. But the second one was the worst, it happened just over six months ago. There was a young man called Richard Gamblin who got involved with The Release Trust, the vicar of his church sent him to them. He was only seventeen when The Release Trust got their claws into him. They poured all their crap and emotional blackmail upon him, and he could only take six months. Then he killed himself. He left a long suicide letter that outlined all that The Release Trust did to him, he was already depressed and they actually blamed him for being gay. He told the ‘counsellor’ how he was feeling and that bastard told him he didn’t have the right to be depressed and to stop complaining. When Richard Gamblin killed himself The Release Trust washed their hands of him, at first they tried to deny he’d even been involved with them. Maureen Ashman, the Christian ‘Commentator’ and bigot, is one of their trustees, and she said that Richard Gamblin is better off dead then gay,” Ryan said.

“I always want to slap that bitch when I hear that,” Nina said.

“That’s why I’m writing it. Too often The Trust Release have gone under the radar as harmless. I want to show how dangerous they are and how much harm they have done over the years. I’ve been talking to a lot of men who’ve been involved with them and they all talked about the damage done to them. They all seem to have the same problems. They all had such low self-esteem or emotional problems before they got involved. The Release Trust seems to prey on that type of gay man. They’ve all been involved with The Release Trust for about two years, that’s how long it usually takes for the disillusionment to set in. At first they believe what they’re told, for many of them it comes as a relief. The problems come when they can’t live up to The Release Trust’s impossible goals, their sexuality doesn’t change. That’s when the depression and the feelings of failure start and The Release Trust actually blames them for feeling that way, which only makes things worse. Things don’t get better when these men leave. They’re still depressed and a failure, they all had problems making relationships, friendships and lovers, and many had nightmares about it. Their self-esteem and self-worth was completely destroyed by The Release Trust. It abused these men and it has the fucking nerve to claim that it only does good. I want to show them up for the lairs they are… Sorry, I get a bit carried away when I talk about it. Before I started to investigate I didn’t realise what damage The Release Trust has done, its emotional abuse of the worst type, I just thought they were some stupid crap Christian group that would fade away,” Ryan said.

I didn’t say anything, I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t seen any of this coming. I thought he’d been writing a novel or a book about some gay event. I couldn’t have imaged that it would be about The Release Trust and that Ryan would be so fired up about it, that he’d hate The Release Trust the way he does.

“For God’s sake tell him Chris,” Kay said.

“There’s nothing to tell,” I said.

I turned to her and saw that she was staring at me, there was almost anger in her face.

“Yes, there fucking is!” Kay said.

“It was just a short time and I was only a kid,” I said.

“You were really upset at Pride by that kid and his shitty leaflets,” Nina said.

“He caught me off guard, it was years ago and I’m over it now,” I said.

“No you’re not. You’re relationships are really fucked-up Chris, you haven’t had a boyfriend that lasts more then weeks. I’m fucking worried about you,” Kay said.

“What happened?” Ryan said.

“I was a teenager, I got involved with them, I saw how shit they are and I left. That’s all,” I said.

“No it isn’t,” Kay said.

“What really happened?” Ryan said.

I looked down at my feet on the carpet, the dark blue carpet under them. I couldn’t face them, the concern and worry in their faces that I was causing, but I had to tell them.

“I was sixteen, Christian and gay when I got involved with them. I thought I was going to hell for being gay. They told me there was a way out, all I had to do was stay a virgin because if I had sex with another guy I was damned, they said. I believed them, I was afraid of hell. They said if I was faithful God would turn me straight and I would be normal and saved. I believed everything they said but I didn’t turn straight, I stayed gay. I was a teenager and horny, all I could think about was sex with other guys. Then I fell in love with another guy at church, a straight guy. He didn’t know how I felt and I felt so lonely, there wasn’t anyone to talk to. I tried to talk to Henry Webb, I saw him for counselling, but he said feelings like that was the devil tempting me. I got too depressed I tried to kill myself,” I said.

I stopped there, I didn’t know how to carry on.

“You never told me about this,” Kay said.

“I couldn’t, I feel stupid and guilty about it. It’s such a stereotype, the sad queer killing himself,” I said.

“No its not. It’s a fucking tragedy, you were driven to that,” Kay said.

“Did you tell anyone at The Release Trust how depressed you were?” Ryan said.

“I tried to tell Henry Webb one time but he said the devil tempts us with depression to make us week and that it’s a sin to give in to depression. No Christian should be depressed because God’s given us full life, he said,” I said.

“Fuck, that’s obscene,” Nina said.

“What happened when you tried to kill yourself?” Kay said.

“I took an overdose but I didn’t know anything and got the dosage wrong. I wake up in hospital. The thing was, I left a note saying that I was doing it because I’m gay and my parents read it. They threw me out of our home while I was in hospital, they had me admitted to a psychiatric ward. I haven’t seen my parents since I was admitted to that ward,” I said.

“Did anyone from The Release Trust come to see you in hospital or when you were discharged?” Ryan said.

“No, I haven’t had any contact with them either,” I said.

“That’s horrible, they abused you, The Release Trust abused you,” Ryan said.

I looked up and saw Ryan staring at me, his eyes were actually glossing over with tears.

“I wasn’t abused. It was my fault. I got involved with The Release Trust, I went to them, and I agreed with what they said. They didn’t do anything really bad,” I said.

“They set you up to fail. They gave you impossible goals and when you couldn’t reach them they made it your fault. They emotionally abused you, they didn’t help you to accept your sexuality, they told you to deny being gay. They poured all this emotional, negative shit onto you for being gay and claimed it was from God. They taught you to hate yourself for being gay. If they’d cared about you they’d have visited you in hospital but they just washed their hands of you because you were yet another one of their ‘failures’,” Ryan said.

“Chris, you’re my friend and I really care about you but you’re really fucked-up. Look how upset you got over that Lenny you met at Pride. Okay that little shit shouldn’t have been there but he really got to you. Look at your relationships. I know you want a boyfriend but your relationships are a mess. Sorry, but I care about you,” Kay said.

“I never met the right guys, it’s either they don’t want me or if they want me I don’t want them. I try,” I said.

“Do you have nightmares?” Nina said.

“Yes,” I said.

There was no way I wanted to tell what my dreams were about.

“Do you have problems sleeping?” Nina said.

“Yes, often, yes,” I said.

“And you have problems forming relationships. Also, you don’t have the greatest self-esteem. Chris, you’ve almost a walking example of you someone who’s been abused and can’t come to terms with it. For God’s sake, I’m a Psychiatric Nurse and I see it enough times at work,” Nina said.

“But abuse is were you’re beaten or raped or such. None of that happened to me,” I said.

“You were given a mind-fuck of religious guilt and crap just because you’re gay. They fucked your mind over just because you’re gay. That’s emotional abuse,” Ryan said.

“But I went to them,” I said.

“And they fucked you up,” Kay said.

“And I hate them and I don’t want to go to hell but I will because I’m gay!” I said. I almost shouted at her.

Then I started to cry. I was crying like some fucking baby. Thick and hot tears were running down my face, my nose was all snotty and my body was shaking. I was fucking sobbing and I couldn’t stop myself, I fucking couldn’t stop myself. I closed my eyes.

I felt someone’s arms taking hold of me and pulling me into a tight hug, it was Ryan and my chest was pressed up against his. I clung onto him as I sobbed, it was all I could think of to do.

Finally, my eyes ran dry and I stopped crying. Then I felt embarrassed, that deep embarrassment of making a real tit of myself in public. I just wanted the sofa to swallow me up and the whole evening to be forgotten about.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” I said. I said it to the room in general rather then to Ryan or Kay or Nina. I was looking down at my lap as I said it.

“Don’t be sorry, don’t ever be sorry,” Kay said.

“What?” I said.

I looked up at her and saw this deep expression of caring on her face.

“I’ve never seen you let go like that before. I’ve never seen you let out any of the hurt or pain you feel before. It’s good to see you cry,” Kay said.

“Oh… I… Oh…” I said.

Ryan took hold of my hand and squeezed it.

“Chris you got to get yourself some help, don’t let the bastards of The Release Trust fuck you up,” Ryan said.

“Yes,” I said.

I more mumbled it out in that half-hearted way, but I now knew he was right.

“I’ll help you find that help,” Nina said.

“Thanks,” I said. I meant it.

(We would sit up talking well into the early hours that night. We talked a hell of a lot about The Release Trust, about what they did, how they fucked up others and why they did it.

In the end it was too late for me to get the Tube home, the same for Ryan, so Kay just said we should stay the night. So Ryan and I slept that night on Kay and Nina’s sofa bed. When Kay and Nina went to bed, Ryan and I stripped down to our underwear and then got under the duvet together. We didn’t have sex that night, thought I wish we’d had, I’d have agreed to anything he wanted to do. Instead, there in the dark, Ryan held me. He pressed his chest into my back and slipped his arms around me. I felt so suddenly safe there, in Ryan’s arms, and that night I really slept. I didn’t dream or have nightmares, I didn’t have any problems getting off to sleep and I didn’t wake up during the night, I slept right through.

The next morning, over Nina’s large cooked breakfast, I couldn’t stop looking at Ryan, at how attractive he was, but he didn’t seem to notice this.)