6. Table Talk

Ryan was already waiting for me and as always he’d picked an outside table. We always meet up at the same coffee house, The Courtyard, and if I got there first I’d get a table inside but if Ryan got there first he’d get one of the tables outside, on the open square of pavement in front of it. It didn’t matter today because the weather was good.

I went right up to it and sat down at Ryan’s table.

“Hello Chris, I’ve ordered you a coffee and muffin,” Ryan said.

“Thanks,” I said.

“How did it go today?” he said.

“Not bad, it’s still not easy but I think I’m getting somewhere now,” I said.

“Good. Let me get the waiter’s eye and we can have our drinks and muffins,” he said.

This had sort of become a regular date for us. Every other Wednesday morning, at about eleven, I’d meet Ryan at The Courtyard and we’d have a drink and a cake together. Ryan had suggested this, he said it would give me some company after each session. Every other Wednesday, at ten o’clock in the morning, I’d see my therapist, Gill William, at her office just around the corner.

Nina had found Gill William for me. She was a short and quietly spoken lesbian who seemed to be able to understand anything. She never judged, no matter what I told her, but only nodded and would ask me a question that really made me think. I can’t say that my hour sessions with her were easy, she could so get under my skin. In the same way I was beginning to feel good about these sessions, she had a way of putting things into prospective and helped me to see why things had happened and why I behaved the way I did. She didn’t make me cry, she didn’t go for the big show of emotions, she just helped me to think and to see things as they really were.

Today hadn’t been an easy session, I’d finally told her about what had happened to me as a teenager with The Release Trust. I’d tried not to be over the top and all emotional, I tried to be calm but telling my story is still hard. When I’d finished we fell silent, she just sat there thinking for an age before she said, “Oh God that must have been awful.”

Her words were wonderful, like someone had lifted a heavy weight right off my back. It felt such a relief and it felt so good. She had taken me seriously, she’d realised how bad it had been but she hadn’t given me some crass answer about pulling myself together and getting over it or that I should be happy because I’m out of it now.

It was Ryan’s idea to meet for coffee after my sessions with Gill William but he never asked about them, accept a casual how was it. Instead we’d talk about loads of other things. Funny thing was that it really helped too, stopped me going over and over what had happened in the session before. Ryan was always full of news about one thing or another.

After the waiter had brought us our drinks and muffins (this place had muffins to die for) Ryan started to tell me about how far he’d got with his book.

“Last week I emailed off the first draft to my editor and already I’ve got notes back from her. I’m having to start a shit load of re-writes. She wants me to lift the tone of it. God, I thought that writing the first draft would be the biggest part. I was wrong on that,” he said.

I just sat there and looked at him as he talked. He was so attractive. Too often I’d find myself thinking about him. I really wanted to touch him and caress him, if not just to be with him. I loved this hour or so we spent together, only the two of us, every other week, it was so important to me. If I’d had my way I’d have spent every hour of the day with Ryan. The thing is there’s no hope for me, the most I’ll get from Ryan is friendship.

Only the second date after we started meeting like this, after I’d started my sessions with Gill Williams, Ryan told me all about Dom, his new boyfriend. Ryan was so excited and pleased to have started a relationship with Dom. Every word he told me about Dom was like a knife going into my body, but I hide it. If I was jealous or stupid over Dom I’d loose Ryan’s friendship completely. If I wasn’t boyfriend material at least I could be his friend, at least I could keep come contact with him, I could still keep hoping.

Today Ryan’s hair seemed lighter in colour, more blonde then strawberry, and was falling into his eyes every other moment. God he was attractive today. I smiled back at him and hoped he didn’t realise.