J Fat Sam, Wild Harry, Pearly Sue and Me

Fat Sam, Wild Harry, Pearly Sue and Me

One day I am standing outside Mr Wong's restaurant minding nobody's
business but my own when who should come along but Fat Sam. Now me and
Fat Sam are never best of friends because of an on running thing I have
with his long-term acquaintance Wild Harry. Let me tell you, Fat Sam is
blue-eyed bug-crazy about this Wild Harry and the only reason he
doesn't put a stop to my little dalliance with the apple of his eye is
that he wants it known round and about that he is, as they say, the
marrying kind. Therefore he is mighty keen to keep a tight lid on the
whole affair.

So this fine day when Fat Sam calls my name and puts one of his fat
arms around my neck I know something fishy is up.

"Just the guy I am looking for," says Fat Sam. "How'd you like to make
a few bucks?"

Making a few bucks, along with people like Wild Harry, are the big
weaknesses in my life but it just so happens that this day I am
previously engaged. The reason I am hanging about Mr Wong's at all is
that I am meeting Xian, one of the Chinese types who works as a
dishwasher there and we are going down to the docks to look at big
ships. Xian likes doing things like this and I like him because he
likes it. In terms of things to do, I think it is way out there.

"You know I am up for bucks," I say, "but right now I am pretty
fixed."

"I am offering you $500," says Fat Sam, "and this case'll only take a
couple of hours to close."

"Ok," I say, "what's the deal?"

Now I don't want you to get the idea that I am some kind of rank
sucker or the kind of guy who'll blow out any squeeze when a piece of
green is placed in front of his eyes but $500 is the sort of money I
only ever usually see in a bank and then through thick glass.

"Not here," says Fat Sam, "I know a place where we can go," and he
leads me over to Little Joe's speakeasy down on 42nd.

So this is how that day I come to be not tripping down to the docks
with someone I am pretty hot for but instead nestled behind a table in
some dive with someone I am not hot for at all.

"It is delicate," says Fat Sam and these words don't surprise me
because you don't go offering someone $500 out of the little blue
yonder for nothing. I take a sip of my beer and don't say anything. A
long time in the past I learn in situations like this that it is better
to keep your mouth shut and to wait for the cookie to crumble.

"It is Pearly Sue," says Fat Sam, "I think she is seeing someone
else."

As I mention before, Fat Sam wants it known here and thereabouts that
he is the marrying kind and there is no better way of getting this to
be known than actually doing the deed and hitching yourself to some
ever loving wife. The ceremony I think is set for a week's time. I only
think because as I say at the beginning me and Fat Sam are never best
of friends.

"I want you to check her out," says Fat Sam, "follow her about a bit,
make sure she's on the straight and narrow, you know the score. If I am
to do this thing then I don't want any mess ups. I want it all
aboveboard and kosher."

"Ok," I say, "I'll do it, but why me?"

"Me and you and Wild Harry got history," says Fat Sam, "I know I can
trust you."

If Fat Sam knows this then he knows more than me. I don't even trust
myself. But I don't say this. I just nod my head and say, fine,
whatever, your future is in safe hands.

In this way two o'clock finds me hanging around outside Pearly Sue's
apartment perusing the gee-gees on the backside of a newspaper and not
much else besides. I figure that this will be the easiest $500 I ever
make. I know something of Pearly Sue's history and I know that she is
not the kind of doll who can't keep the can on herself until the day
she ties that knot and gets herself some legal clout. Rule number one
in marriages like this one, don't mess around before, only after.

Before Pearly Sue gets herself hooked up with Fat Sam she is a singer.
However, she can't hardly be said to have made a living from it. Pearly
Sue appearances are in shows so far off Broadway they are almost in
Cincinnati.

Therefore when Pearly Sue pops out of the apartment at two thirty on
the nose I know that this isn't going to lead to the strong arms of
some loving guy. Pearly Sue, in meeting Fat Sam has kind of got it
made. She knows that, I know that. It is only Fat Sam who needs
convincing to the tune of $500. I am the guy to oblige. I set off after
Pearly Sue thinking about anything but trouble.

Now don't get me wrong, I am a lover of mankind, and I use the term
here in its most general meaning, but the female of our species is
never doing it for me. To me, being female is all about pastel puffs
and hair rollers, two of my least favourite things put on this
earth.

Following Pearly Sue this day only shores up my convictions. First she
goes to some fancy department store and does some gassing with some
other people like her and squirts herself with some stuff and then she
goes to some other place where she does some more gassing while someone
else messes up her hair and after puts it all back together again in
the same place. Then we head off home. And then nothing happens. Just
as I expect.

Later, I am looking at my watch and thinking what an swell guy Fat Sam
is and how I am going to take Xian to one of those fancy restaurants
where people in ties talk about opera when who should I spy across the
road but Wild Harry.

Now since I am hooked up with Xian if the truth be known me and Wild
Harry are only distant relations. There is a time when every occasion I
see Wild Harry across the street then I cry out and we go someplace and
give each other the time of day. But not now.

So I am just slinking back into the doorway, hoping that Wild Harry
won't see me when I see something that surprises me. I see Wild Harry
look about him and then slip into the doorway that leads up to Pearly
Sue's apartment.

Now it is true that Wild Harry could be going to see any one of the
maiden aunts that reside in this here apartment block but I know
because already it is one of those days that Wild Harry is off to see
Pearly Sue herself.

Before I quite know what I am doing I am hotfooting it across the
street and without a further to do I am shimmying up the fire escape.
Moreover, it is not only because of the $500 now but also because I am
genuinely interested. I want to know what is going down up there.

Pearly Sue's apartment is on the forth floor and by the time I get
there I am pretty puffed. I am not so young now and it is a long time
since I am in the habit of climbing up other people's fire escapes. In
fact, there is only one other time when I am climbing up a fire escape
and that is another story altogether.

When my breathing is no longer like a carthorse's after a mile sprint
I make a half-turn and take a look through the window. As I am seeing
already that the window is firmly shut it is in my mind that I won't be
able to hear a word that is said. I think I will have to add those
little speech bubbles like they do back in the days before Hollywood
can talk. However, what I do see needs no speech bubbles
whatsoever.

Pearly Sue is lying back on the bed like the Statue of Liberty and
Wild Harry is giving her the old heave ho who's your father.

Now this surprises me greatly. Not only is Wild Harry one never even
to profess an artistic interest in the female form but also he is often
heard to be saying how if there is one thing that females should not be
allowed to do with their voices it is sing. As I say before, at one
time Pearly Sue is a singer.

It seems to me that I have two choices. I can either go right away to
let the cat out of the bag to Fat Sam or I can stick around for the
second act. Without much thinking I decide to stick around. After all,
Fat Sam is paying me $500 for information and so far I reckon I only
got about $300 worth. Moreover, as I have more than a passing interest
in what is commonly called the human condition, I want to know how this
whole thing will turn out.

Back in the room it seems Wild Harry is finished with his bit and
Pearly Sue is finished with her bit and I am pleased to see Pearly Sue
lifting herself up off the bed and coming over to the window making
gestures to Wild Harry like she is going to open it. I guess she is a
little hot. I know how she feels, I am feeling a lot hot myself. On top
of this, I figure I will now be able to hear what is being said. I
shuck back against the wall and sure enough pretty soon voices come
floating out.

"Oh Harry," says Pearly Sue, "I don't know if I can keep this up for
much longer."

"You seem to be doing fine to me," says Wild Harry. "That is quite a
show you are just putting on."

"Harry," says Pearly Sue, "be serious. You know I am talking about Fat
Sam."

"It is one more week," says Wild Harry.

"But one week with Fat Sam," says Pearly Sue, "seems like an eternity
when every second with you passes like a flash."

"Don't mess up now," says Wild Harry, "we got it all planned. You go
through with the wedding and then the next day me and you we go down to
the bank and clear out Fat Sam and get out of here. It is easy and only
wants waiting for."

"But you do love me?" says Pearly Sue.

"You know I do," says Wild Harry. "When that first time I hear you
sing it is like you hit me with some kind of hammer. I am never feeling
this way before. I love you Pearly Sue. I really do."

So this is the score. Fat Sam is getting married for show and all the
time the guy he is wanting to cover up for is running around with his
ever loving wife to be. It is a funny business there is no doubt but
the thing that surprises me most about the whole show is that when Wild
Harry is just now saying how much he loves Pearly Sue I believe him.
Wild Harry and me go back a long way and I know when he is telling the
truth.

As this seems to be the end, both Pearly Sue and Wild Harry doing
things with their clothes like they are going to indulge in something
respectable, I make my way back down the fire escape and wonder what I
am to do. It is true that Fat Sam is paying me $500 for information but
I also know that when people pay big bucks for information then
typically they expect to get the kind of information they want to hear.
Don't shoot the messenger may be a phrase in common usage but it is a
phrase that is only so much baloney.

In this way later that day when I go back to that little speakeasy on
42nd and slip into the booth next to Fat Sam and Fat Sam asks me what I
know I say that all I know is that Pearly Sue is one mighty fine doll
and in terms of a wife Fat Sam could do no better.

"It is just as I am thinking then," says Fat Sam.

"Yes it is," I say and then I ask about my $500.

"I am a man of my word," says Fat Sam, "and when I say I will pay $500
then I will. However, I am no fool and I know that for the last couple
of years you are playing around behind my back with Wild Harry. Let's
just say that I am loaning you Wild Harry and the cost of that loan is
$500. Therefore you owe me $500 and I owe you $500 and therefore we is
quits."

And Fat Sam would say no more on the matter and I know there is no
point arguing my end as after all I am nobody and Fat Sam is Fat Sam
and he isn't where he is by being anyone else. So with a have a good
day I quit the joint and make my way back to Mr Wong's where I am
waiting this morning and this whole business starts.

Now, as I approach Mr Wong's who should I see outside its door but
Xian and he is looking mighty angry.

"Where you be?" he says stamping his little Chinese feet and generally
acting the injured party. "I am waiting here all the day."

"You are waiting all day?" I say. I am more than somewhat
surprised.

"Of course," says Xian, "you promise me you are taking me to the dock
and we are going to look at big ships."

I look up at the sky and see that there is still some of the day left
after all so without further delay I take Xian down to the dock as I am
supposed to be doing this morning. Now it just so happens that we
arrive at the same time as some big liner from England, or Germany, or
Australia or someplace else across that big wash of water and I can see
right away that Xian is happy as he lets out this big grin that would
break the hearts of wildcats or sharks.

"Thank you for this," he says and he puts his hand on my leg and gives
it a tight squeeze. I think all of a sudden that it isn't such a bad
day after all and that there are some things that $500 can't buy.

Then, as the sun falls down, me and Xian watch the rich folks getting
off the boat that is coming from lands that neither him nor I will ever
visit with money that neither him nor I will ever have. But I tell
myself that this don't count for much anyways because, as they say,
pretty much all kinds of life can be found right here on Broadway.