How to become a Rock Star

It's actually quite easy to become a modern rock star. Firstly, you need a junk food diet, supplemented by zero exercise. This is sometimes called the Zoom-Lockdown approach.

After a year of these interventions, it is almost certain that the budding rock star will be chronically constipated (as well as clinically paranoid). So, when the abdomen has swollen to a painful degree, the aspirant may then administer a short sharp dose of laxatives. This will immediately propel the neophyte to a small studio where his or her rock record will be processed. Five or six rocks will probably descend into the lavatory, where they may be preserved for posterior posterity.

The new rock star can then publically announce a new unplugged record.