I Will Never Be Alone As Long as I Am Here - Reality Compromised

I would do anything to keep from being alone. Pay any price, be used to the "nth" degree and never say a word. Being used is better than being alone. It stings knowing the object of my affection will hurt me, will maim my spirit, will destroy my forward progress. Still, I follow hard after her, pressing all into maintaining that relationship to avoid the terrors of being alone. What compromises have I willing conceded to? What violations of my self-esteem and personal space have I allowed for unrequited affection? What tortures has my heart been through, even my body feeling the wretch of nerves on fire? Being addicted, not to a substance, but to a world of egocentric affection that I have created by taking the object of my affection and embellishing her to a fantastic degree. I should know better, I do know better. They should slap me awake, the voices of those around me, friends and family, concerned that I am "being used". Ignoring their advice, pushing away the voice of truth, I continue to live a world that only I see. Go away you bearers of truth, you wreckers of dreams, this is my world, I will not see it with your light! I take my script and apply it haphazardly, patching up the holes in the dike containing my empty dreams. Eagerly lapping up my lack of self-control and willful delusion, the actor in my play continues to feed my world of facades with empty compliments, cool affections, and eyes empty of love. One day I will wake up and grab hold of myself, one day I will acknowledge this self-imposed hell, one day...but for now, I look at her and imagine how she loves me.

First written in Opinionsofeye.com (http://www.opinionsofeye.com/2012/01/i-will-never-be-alone-as-long-as-i-...)

Also published in Broowaha Magazine (http://www.broowaha.com/articles/12597/i-will-never-be-alone-as-long-as-...)