A Guide to Life (For the Complete Skeptic)

I usually write letters to people or stylized political commentary, so I wanted to try something different with this one. I felt it was time I really used the vast amount of knowledge I learned from my freshman year of college to help the common folk out. Namely: you. The average high schooler/9 to fiver who likes to think they have a handle on what life is all about. The bad news: You don’t. You think you do, but unfortunately you have fallen into the classic “hear something, form your own opinion, stick to that opinion unless someone proves you wrong, still stick to your own opinion just never express it anymore” routine that has plagued so many people for the longest time…until now. I am writing this as a public service announcement, so that hopefully YOU can no longer be the sheep and start being the Sheppard; and to open your third eye (the one in your mind) and start thinking for yourself…thinking like a skeptic. If my freshman year of college has taught me anything, it’s that life is like a box of chocolates, in that you always know what’s going to happen.

Now you might be thinking “wait, that’s not the correct clichéd phrase.” You might also be thinking “WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT????” Well if you thought the first one, congratulations! You are already on your way being that skeptic you long to become (because why the hell else would you be reading this?). But you still have a long way to go. Remember: In the words from great thinker Aristotle; “life is not about doing, it’s about questioning what you’re doing” (citation needed).

I have laid out a basic guide to help you journey to the true meaning of life; being a skeptic.

Point 1: What exactly is a skeptic?

According to source “urbandictionary.com,” “Way of thinking, think's for self, not accepting of all ideas, including religion....a group of people who come together to promote critical thinking and self thought....” (Urbandictionary.com). Essentially, skeptic believes nothing that they hear, and nothing of what they see. How do you know that ball really was red? How do you know that 47 really is an odd number? How do you know that it was actually rape? Sure you might’ve been the one committing the act, but was it really you? You don’t just hear someone say “I ate steak for dinner last night” and believe them…for all you know they could have actually had chicken...and by that I mean RAPING YOUR DAUGHTER.

Point 2: If you don’t know something, question it!

If there is one thing I didn’t like about college, it was that questioning your teachers (I call them teachers…they don’t deserve the term “professor”) basically got you nowhere. Sure, they say they want you to ask questions, and motherfuck did I! But did that change the content of the exams? Well, did the Holocaust really happen (the answer is no)? Maybe it did, you see we do not know the original questions on the exam, so we cannot tell if any were changed or not. We do not know, so we cannot make a declarative statement stating yes or no, so we question it. The teacher could have easily changed the question on the exam so it will have an emphasis on the stuff we DO NOT know thus making me get a 62 on the test.

People will tell you false information, it’s not human nature, but people are just dicks. That’s why you always have to be one step ahead of them. Remember: Questions always lead to answers, and then those answers lead to questions about the answers, and then to questions about the questions. So it’s really a win-win for us.

Let’s look at this scenario, it will help give you an idea of what I’m talking about:

A few weeks ago, President Obama released his birth certificate. This means that he is in-fact a United States citizen and is totally okay in the presidency right? Well maybe, but ask yourself:

Why when you pull the certificate up on Photoshop there’s several different layers onto the document that seem to be altered?

Why the fuck did it take this long to release it?

How do we know he didn’t just type it up himself? Was anyone there to see him get it?

Hawaii to Chicago? That’s one hell of a move Barrack, care to explain?

Why did the video of his birth oddly resemble “The Lion King?”

You see, even though there is “information” out there, we really don’t know the truth. So we must ask these important questions that the media has failed to address to resolve these issues and start getting to the truth. Because we cannot simply take the presidents word for it. For if we do that means we’re giving into the government, and then they’ll be able to take control of our lives, our money, our jobs, and our freedoms…do you want to pay for some random stranger’s abortion? I sure as fuck don’t. If anything I’m gonna pay for my own, and if push comes to shove for them they can get a boxing glove and a coat hanger….or a job fucknuts!

Point 3: If you know something, question it!

August 17th, 1977, Elvis Presley was found dead in a bathroom at Graceland.
I know this, you know it, it’s common knowledge. The media says it’s true, so it must be true. But here’s the clincher: Question the fuck out of it. It’s the media that says Al Qaeda was solely behind the attack on the Twin Towers (more on that later though). How do we know it really was Elvis who died? After all Charlie Chaplin once lost a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest. It could’ve easily have been a look alike of Elvis that purposefully committed suicide to increase record sales (think Beatles).

One of my big hero’s here, and someone I really look up to is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. You see everyone in the world knows about the mass genocide that was the Holocaust, but Ahmadinejad is the one with planetary sized junk to question it. Did it really happen? I mean sure there are concentration camps still around, but they could just be the equivalent to dinosaur fossils: Hollywood. For all we know Hollywood could have built these camps years ago and fashioned the whole “mass genocide” and that cute “giant ovens and gas shower” gag so that they can make hit movies and TV shows such as “M.A.S.H.” the famous comedy “Schindler’s List,” or even the pornographical adaptation “Schindler’s Fist.”

But what about the Holocaust survivors who have stories about being in the camps? Easy. First off all of them are OLD AS FUCK. Second, there’s this type of “problem” that occurs with memory. You see, our memories are not reliable, and what can happen sometimes is that if we think we did something for long enough, we’ll start picturing ourselves in that situation and it will seem like it really happened (even though it never did). Case and point: Holocaust survivors don’t know what they’re talking about, and are you REALLY going to believe what an 80 year old with a withering mind says without any documentation (that isn’t written by themselves) to back it up? Night is nothing more than fiction.

In these past two paragraphs, I have showed you how by question something that we already “know,” we uncover many hidden questions that were covered up with it. It is up to us now answer these questions so we can better “know” what we know.

Point 4: Back up everything you say….no matter the cost.

Usually people will not believe what you say…this isn’t because they’re skeptics too, it’s unfortunately because what you say does not match what they say and therefore t s outside of what they follow so they just think it’s bullshit.

They’re bullshit.

This is why even the skeptic needs to be able to source their claims and provide solutions and explanations reasoning themselves. Why do we think 9/11 was caused by Bush? If Obama’s birth certificate is fake then where is his real one? If there was no Holocaust then how do we explain the major decrease in the world population that wasn’t due to the war? These are all questions we are faced with every day. Yes, the skeptic may (and does) believe these claims, but it’s not enough for just us to believe them, we have to back them up or else we’ll have no chance convincing people to take us seriously (It’s a hard price to pay for being right).

I remember in high school when we sourced information for essays we could only use websites that ended with “.edu” or “.org” or basically anything besides “.com.” Funny thing is though, once you get to college, all that shit goes right down the drain. In fact I did an essay for my political science class where half of my sources were from Wikipedia (the BIGGEST taboo for sourcing, like I’d rather walk into a girl’s bathroom than ever think about using Wikipedia when I was in high school) and I ended up with a 93% on the essay. This is a good thing, because sadly our claims are so bold (and oh so right) that no one will publish the information on anything but “.com” sites.

Now, gotta be honest here. If you can find information on something other than “.com” use it, because some people like to live in denial that your information is correct and just blow it off going “that’s from a .com…..retard.” So any way to stop them dead and not let them argue their point is completely worth it. But sometimes a .com is all you have and believe me it works just fine. Because all in all, it’s not about the source, it’s about the information, and sure Casey Anthony may not have ACTUALLY killed her daughter…as long as you make it LOOK true, people will believe it.

While we’re on the topic of Casey Anthony, I would like to say just a few quick things about this whole thing. I feel like she really did a poor job with the trial. First off let’s start with her facial expressions: she was smiling and laughing during parts of the trial. Getting people to believe what you want them to believe is all about acting the part…which she failed to do. You’re not supposed to be happy that your daughter is dead(…….), and if you’re laughing about it (I know how hard holding back laughter can be in these situations) it doesn’t really look good for the court and your “I didn’t fucking kill her” argument.

Then came what she said. She is not only a pathological liar (not that that’s a bad thing) but she’s a horrible one too. The point of a lie is that people will believe something that is fake and think it’s true. Now I know there’s a big problem with this, and this is where Casey Anthony met a dilemma. You see, sometimes even when you’re telling the truth, people will think you’re lying, this happens to everyone. And now I’m not saying that Casey really is a liar (the before-mentioned is just stating what the news called her…and only added in to help people follow the point), but let’s just say she was a liar, hypothetically. People did not believe what she said, and this just kept going on and on and on and on. If she was successful, the court would believe what she was saying and see that she wasn’t a liar. So she was unable to have the people believe her and so by that, and her laughing and smiling at what are referred to as “inappropriate times” by many, she is a failure.

Point 5: Choose your battles, or risk not being taken seriously.

My final point to share with you is a simple one, but crucial. Sorta like how a simple act like killing your daughter may lead to life in jail or even the death penalty. Let’s face it, we can’t question and argue EVERYTHING. We’d just get bogged down, and also then we’d lose our legitimacy. This is why we must choose our battles. And just how should we choose our battles? Well, when it really comes down to it; it’s a matter of what is important to YOU. While I may find it important for me to fight the Holocaust, someone else might find it important to say that 9/11 was an inside job, and THEN someone else who might just happen to be a creationist will feel it’s important to argue that dinosaurs never actually existed. So you have to really use your discrepancy here and find what is best for YOU.

And then stick to that topic. Unfortunately in today’s economy people will take you to be a natural Glenn Beck if you are all over the place with your topics. So don’t try to be a jack of all trades here. Master one topic and that will get you far…when was the last time a jack of all trades and master at none made it big in this world (besides Obama).

SUMMARY

To finish this up, let’s take a look at one of the most famous moments in history:

September 11th, 2001. A dark moment in American History. The world trade centers were struck down by the terror organization Al Queda. Struck with airplanes, over two thousand innocent lives were taken that day.

Well, that’s what the media WANTS you to believe. But I’m sure just from what you have learned in this guide that that little Dr. Seuss-worthy story just won’t fly (lol). Let’s break it down:

We “know” 9/11 was directed and carried out by Al Qaeda…but we don’t know that.

We don’t know that it could’ve been carried out by George W. Bush in an attempt to give justification to invade Iraq for their oil….so there’s a good fucking chance that’s the reason.

Planes? How about missiles?
How ‘bout bombs being planted in the base of the Twin Towers? Ever thought of that? Before my help I’m sure you didn’t.

The Chinese could be behind it, ever thought of that before?

It’s easy to take things you don’t know, or know, and question it. And don’t be afraid to get creative, cause chances are you’ll be able to find the information you’re looking for on the internet. You just have to search enough to find it…and if that still doesn’t work, creating a Wikipedia page won’t hurt anything.

And you don’t need a 5 paragraph essay. Remember: say what you need to say, and then shut the fuck up before you give people something to argue against. Whether that means leaving out information, ramming the information down their throats, or even make up information and just sit there insisting it’s true, it’s not about whether you’re right or wrong, it’s that you win. Napoleon Bonaparte once said, “History is a set of lies agreed upon.” Take advantage of that. If you can get people to agree with what you say, you WILL be right. And at the end of the day, whether you are saying that the Holocaust never happened, 9/11 was caused by George W. Bush, or that eating KCF causes Black men to become sterile, it doesn’t matter whether or not it “actually” happened, as long as you can get others to think what you think, you are right.