12. Forgotten how to feel sober

Neil announces that he’s getting bored and that we should all have a bit of fun and sneak up stairs and get in the Jacuzzi. Allison and I are naturally, as it has become, pissed and can’t think of anything more fun. With no thought for the risk involved in being in a passenger area, out of uniform and not to mention being drunk, off we set. The boys don’t have to worry as their status allows them to be on deck but perhaps their physical status doesn’t.

We wave goodbye to Debra as we make our way through the crowd and onto the corridor where we take the crew elevator all the way up to deck eleven. Very quietly, as this is the senior officers accommodation, including the captain, chief engineer and Vanessa, we sneak out and onto the deck. Like characters from a cartoon we tip toe animatedly to the back of the ship. We are all suppressing our laughter as the adrenalin is pumping through our veins at the risk being caught.

The fresh air kisses my face as we climb up even further to the top deck. The black sky is the backdrop for the million stars that are twinkling above us. The sea, a dead pool. As the ship moves slowly through the inside passage I manage to get a look over the side. Normally too afraid of heights to stand on a chair, I take a look over the side. The darkness and wine fuelled my curiosity and dampened my fear. The ship makes a slicing sound as it cuts through the water and leaves its mark in the water behind us which is highlighted by the moon. The ship is lit overhead from one end to the other by a long cable of light bulbs. If an aircraft flew over now they would mistake us for a string of bright shiny pearls. This was the moment I imagined when I bought that dress. This is the moment when my hair is flaying behind me, my chiffon scarf is gently blowing in the breeze and you can see the outline of my body through the thin material of my dress. I stood still and looked out to sea, out of nowhere, I feel sad.
"Oh Iona, I thought to myself, we were so stupid.

Neil grabs my arm and pulls me back down the stairs and out of my thoughts to the next deck where Allison and Derek are already up to their necks in the boiling pot. I set the bottle of wine on the floor and lean down to quietly ask Allison what she is wearing. The words get stuck on the roof of my mouth. I can see her boobs bobbing to the surface and Derek's clothes are thrown on a chair to the side. Neil stripes off to reveal a hard tanned body. His chest is smooth and his legs are long and muscular. I get a quick look at his penis, which was all I needed to know that my feelings for Neil were growing stronger. I defiantly felt a twinge of some sorts.

Derek pulls himself out and goes over to get his bottle of beer before getting back in again. Unlike Neil, Derek had a soft round little body and a tiny package that is all foreskin. There is a black hole at the end of his penis that leaves you to imagine there must be something in there to fill it out. Allison and I exchange glances of “just saw two naked men, lets act normal". I was not convinced about getting in. I stand there feeling totally self-conscious. Why is it that eyes always focus on genitals and private parts when they are not supposed to, or are they? Stop it Ginny. I mentally punch myself in the face.

The others are looking at me expectantly. Perhaps Inny will come out in the breeze but, the colour of my hair will not change under this light. Images of Inny/outty and Ginger minge stories flying all over the ship that are then communicated to other ships by radio are all too much. I have frozen. I will not go in.
"Time of the Month, I announce and immediately bite my lip. Why I couldn’t think of something else I just don’t know. “Allergic to chloroform” or “I think I hear someone coming," would have worked just as well if not better.
"Thanks for that Ginny, too much information for me," says Derek, lifting his arm up and stopping my words with the palm of his hand.

They really were nice guys. Neither one of them were giving off any indication of being interested in anything more than a late night dip in the Jacuzzi and I find myself being a tad disappointed by this. I lie back on the wooden deck and stare up at the stars as the boys entertain us with yet more of their passenger stories. I turn my head and notice that Allison looks much happier and I thought how much I would miss her if she did decide to leave. She hasn’t mentioned her and Trevor kissing but everyone else had. Vanessa got hold of the news and had told everyone that would listen that Allison had a boyfriend back home. I remind myself to make more of an effort with Allison. Perhaps she was right; having another Scot to talk to was a good thing.
"Oh Ginny, sighs Allison, it’s great in here, so hot,” She says filling up a plastic beaker and handing me another wine.
I roll up my jeans and slip my shoes off. We sit there for the next hour or so speaking sotto voce.

I quizzed Neil about his relationships onboard. He said that he had actually gone out with Kirsty. They had gotten together on his second contract and lasted the whole contract together. He went to England with her when their contract had finished and spent a month travelling around Europe together until he had to go back home to New Zealand. They both requested to return to the same ship but the ship she was on didn't need a Photog at that time. So, Neil was sent to a different ship. Within one week Kristy had found someone else but still telexed Neil for a while pretending things were fine but he knew it was over.
"I've had enough of these shipboard relationships, said Neil smoothing back his hair. Pure sex from now on," he laughed as he and Derek clinked their bottles of beer together. Neil took a sip of his beer and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand while looking at me. He held his gaze for a second longer than was normal. It was a message, defiantly a message. A bolt of electrical current shot through from the spot in my brain which prompts sexual anxiety right through to a throb in my derelict clitoris.

Allison pulled herself out of the Jacuzzi with not an ounce of self-consciousness for her body. Her body was slimish and surprising toned. I had never thought of Allison having such an athletic looking body. Derek sees a golden opportunity and dashes over to the other side of the Jacuzzi and slaps her so hard on her wet bum that the echo could be heard around the whole back deck. Allison tried not to scream in pain and ran around the other side in an attempt to slap him back.

As they played around Neil pulled himself out and got dressed. I lay back again and pretended to watch the stars. There are too many people with bodies to look at I was beginning to feel like a right pervert. I wish that I hadn’t been so self-conscious about my body. I would love to have lazed in the Jacuzzi. Perhaps it’s all in up bringing. My sisters and I were never big on walking around naked. With only a year between us all, we were all very close nowadays but not when we were growing up. We could pass each other in the street without so much as a hello. We still would get mistaken for each other although if you put us together we were all really quite different. I remember one unfortunate evening a jealous ex girlfriend had slapped my sister bang in the mouth in the middle of her birthday party, but it was actually me that was going out with her ex boyfriend and not my sister. My sister had a lot of explaining to do with her own boyfriend that night. Things like that happened all the time. As close as we are though, not one of us would be able to identify the other if one of us were decapitated and they had only a body to go on.

Congratulating ourselves for not being caught we get our things together and slip back downstairs narrowly missing a couple of the sailors who are doing the rounds of the deck area.
Coming out of the elevator on deck four the party is still in full swing. We move over to join the party again when Paul and Greg walk round the corner. Paul, as usual is still dressed in his identity, his stewards uniform.
"Having fun are we?” asks Paul, raising his eyebrows and nostrils all at the same time. I can see that he is well gone himself, three sheets to the wind might be a more appropriate description. This poor creature is really quite vile. The whole Senior Bar Steward thing is so pathetic. We have been told that Paul was promoted early on because of a little indiscreet one-night stand with a cruise director. With a whole whacking, enormous pay rise of $20 per month perhaps it is reasonable for him to behave this way now he is so vital to the smooth running of the bar operations onboard.
"Yes we are thanks Paul, I reply raising my head and staring him the eye. My intoxication spurs me on. "Don’t suppose you know what that feels like though, do you Paul"?
"Oh dear Allison, whatever happened to your hair?” smiles Paul. I don’t suppose you’ve just been on decks by any chance?” Paul plasters a look on his face that tells us the ball is in his court. Greg is standing with his hands in his pockets and is hanging his head, looking at his shoes.
Suddenly I feel sorry for Greg, his usual arrogance has disappeared. But why should I feel bad for him, he hasn’t spoken a word to me in ages. I never thought for a second that we would become bosom buddies but Greg has behaved selfishly towards all of us, except Vanessa. Just yesterday we were in a back pantry together slicing fruit for the garnishes where he was forced into saying hello, come to think of it he was rather odd yesterday too. Just then one of the "hairies” bounds out of the fire door pushing us out of the way and leaps on top of Greg who only just manages to keep upright. The “hairy” is dressed in her tight pink and white overalls that are dangerously sneaking up at the back. Greg has transformed from odd to ecstatic but I couldn’t help but notice the way he glanced warily at Paul who is standing like a pole cue has been driven up his rectum. No, on second thoughts perhaps he’s looking angry. My question is about to be answered.
"Where have you been, I’ve been waiting for hours?" chimes the girl excitedly.
Before Greg has a chance to open his mouth, Paul is shouting. His voice is carrying all around the corridor and into the party, if the elevator had been open the bridge could have heard him too.
"You bastard," he screams at Greg who is standing dumb struck with the girl tucked under his arm.
"You knew how I felt about you," he goes on, and you’ve just been leading me on. Tears are threatening to spill at any moment. The party has now made its way out to the corridor and people are gathering around to enjoy other people’s dramas, which later will allow themselves to feel better about whatever indiscretions they are up to.
"How could you?" he implores. Paul looks around and finds himself the centre of attention so decides to make the most of it.
"You." he is pointing at Neil.
"Me." replies Neil pointing at himself
"You know don’t you? You saw them didn’t you? The party turns from Paul and the spotlight is on Neil. You could hear an anchor drop as the crowd wait for an explanation. Everyone is hoping that they have just been witness to a "coming out" by bisexual Greg”.
Seeing clearly that Neil is going to need a bit of encouragement Paul yells
"The photographs, you saw them didn’t you?" He spat, his eyes darting back and forth from Neil to Greg.
"You developed them didn’t you?" he nods his head encouragingly.
“Hey, mate, don’t involve me in this, I’m just having a few beers with me old mate here,” he says pulling me to him. Considering Neil and I have spent oh lets see, all of three hours together the whole time that we’ve known each other. And let’s see, mmm, we know absolutely nothing about each other and ah yes, we don’t even know each other’s last names, “old Mates” is a very loose description of our relationship but I’m not complaining as he wraps his arm around me and rests his hand just under my breast.

Could it be that the dashing Cambridge rugby player was actually Paul’s lover?
The girl has unravelled herself from Greg and is staring up at him. Her plucked eyebrows are raised and a question mark is hanging over her head.
"I can explain," he said to her and pulls her back under his arm holding her firmly in place like a trophy that reads, “I’m not gay”. She is still ridged and her arms are still crossed as she stands in defence.
Paul can see he is not getting anywhere and admits defeat. He turns to the girl and sniffs,
“You’re welcome to him, he’s got more crust on his bug fucking dick than a dominos pizza,” and turns on his heel, hairs tied firmly together and minces off.
The whole party subconsciously take a glance at Greg’s crotch and picture what is lurking beneath his Levis before rejoining the party.
"Night Greg," we chorus walking past just as the girl starts pounding her fists on his chest. Looks like Greg has got a lot of explaining to do.

What a great night I think to myself as we walk back along the M1. It comes to the turn off for Neil and Derek and we say goodnight. I felt a big empty hole in my stomach as he waved goodnight and promised to tell me tomorrow at work what the photos were about. I racked my brains for any excuse to follow him but couldn't think of anything. What would Allison think if I just left her and went after him? I know I'm behaving like I'm desperate, but I am, I need someone next to me. I want to escape from this ship, even if it's only for a few minutes. Allison and I walked back to our cabins, both of us wondering what was the real situation between Greg and Paul. We both can’t wait to find out what the photos were all about and to tell Trevor about them.

I gave Allison a big hug outside my door and wished her goodnight. It was good to see her looking happier. Opening my Cabin door, I notice a piece of paper sticking out from underneath it. On the front is written Ginny McLeod with my cabin number.
A ripple of excitement courses though my whole being. Who could have written to me? I open the envelope and a thin sheet of white paper falls out.
TELEX
Dear Ginny
I hope you are happy. I’m just keeping in touch, no news except that I miss you. Please call soon.
Your Bestest friend, Iona x
PS: Your mums been on the phone, call her

I stuff the telex back in its envelope. What a surprise. Perhaps I will ask tomorrow how I can send one back to her. She would love that. Or maybe I could just write a letter.

I look at the ships itinerary, through bleary eyes and stroke another day off. Tomorrow we are in Glacier Bay so I wont be able to phone home for another three days, that's if I get time off to go ashore. Phoning from the ship is very expensive. What am I going to say about my experience of a lifetime and life on the ocean wave? I will have to think of some really upbeat positive words to use on the phone. I set the alarm for three hours time and turn the light off. Lying in the darkness I have my earphones on listening to Songbird and quickly drift off.

My eyes are closed and the rhythm of the ship as it lifts me gently up and places me back down again. Without opening my eyes, I know that my cabin door has just been opened. The light is shining in the room and through my eyelids. I snap my eyes open and sit up on my elbow. Shielding my eyes against the light from the corridor I recognise the figure in the doorway. It's Neil. He comes in and closes the door quietly behind him. As the door is closed the room is sent into complete darkness.

Music is still playing and is filling my world, but Neil can hear none of it. I can feel him beside me as he kneels down next to the bed. I can hardly breath. I put my hand out and feel for his face, he takes it and starts to kiss and stroke my palm. He slowly traces his tongue along and up past my wrist and down again, taking my little finger in his mouth and gently sucks on it. I have never experienced the digit sucking thing before, but it works. My whole body is trembling. His head is getting closer, I can feel his closeness by the warmth of his breath on my cheek. He tenderly kisses my cheek before finding my mouth and taking my lip between his teeth and sucking hard on it. My whole body is standing on end, the inside of my thighs are wet and I am throbbing in anticipation. He pulls me closer still to him and runs his hand down my back. A shiver runs up my body and he moves his head to my neck. His light kisses and breath make me pull my head back inviting him to give me more. The ache I feel in every part of my body is intensifying. I put my hand on the back of his head and pull him down on me. All the time the sweet music of Kenny G’s songbird is lulling me and willing this to happen, there is no doubt in my mind that this is the right thing to do. Neil stands up, takes my hand and gently pulls me to my feet. My earphones are pulled from my ears. I am brought back to the room and reality. I didn’t realise how hard I was breathing until this moment.

The air is filled with the sound of our arousal. Neil holds me tightly to him and grinds his erection against my stomach. "This is what you do to me,” he whispered, as he plants small delicious little kisses down my neck and across my shoulder. He bends down and pulls my nightshirt up and over my head. I hear it drop to the floor. Standing in the darkness, I’m wearing just my pants. He stands back and strokes my shoulder and then down my arm until he reaches my breast.
Please be out, please be out I pray as I close my eyes and wait for his touch. He moves me back against the coldness of the wardrobe mirror; its coldness sends a chill right through my body as he touches my breast. My nipple is suddenly in his mouth. Every move in unexpected as I cannot see a thing in the darkness of the cabin. I reach my hand out to feel for his trousers, all I can feel is empty space and then I feel lower down where my hand finds the top of his end. He gently moves my legs apart. Holding on tightly to either side of the wardrobe I try to imagine this whole scene with the lights on. My breasts are tingling and my breath becomes shorter in anticipation. Neil puts his hand on the inner part of my knee and slowly moves it up. He is stroking my bum and moves a finger across and into me. I could explode just right there and then, I want to beg him to move faster and put me out of this agony. I want to tear at his clothes and pull him in to me. My fingers are digging and gripping at the wardrobe as he strokes and plays with my clitoris. I am drenched. Suddenly he stops and I can hear him pull his clothes off. I am full of urgency as I pull him to me. I want to see his face in this moment but if I did perhaps the magic would be lost. He lifts me up effortlessly and my legs go round him. His skin is soft and smooth. All I want is him inside me. I need him more than anything I have ever known. My pants are completely soaked; I'm almost embarrassed at my own excitement. In one move Neil pulls my pants to the side and lifts me up while slipping his penis slowly in to me. As soon as the unfamiliar hardness entered me I melted in his arms. It felt so good. He filled me with every move; he kissed me passionately as he moved slowly up and down. We were both sweating as we began to move more urgently trying hard to keep our rhythm going. I could feel my climax coming but willed it to wait. Neil's breath was getting louder and shorter as he thrust himself in harder this time and said that he was going to come. I let myself go and moved myself into him and met his every move. We both shuddered and gasped as he fell against my body, his penis still inside me as we came together. I held him close and kissed his sweating forehead as he laid his head on my shoulder. His body slowly stops to shake as we stayed there in the darkness.