14. Never a dull moment…

Allison and I made our first stop the Elephant and Windmill, a vey English pub restaurant. This is my first real time off in Vancouver and I intend to enjoy it and get all those phone calls done to home that I have been meaning to do. The bonus of working in the Casino is that it often opens later in the evenings giving the people who work there more time off, which also means less money. Allison tells me about the main shopping area and somewhere to grab something to eat. The food on the ship has never improved but strangely enough I think I have probably gained weight.

When we arrive, the pub is packed with crew from our ship and another one that is in harbour. We only wait a few minutes before a table by the window becomes free. The waiters here are very helpful and cheery. With a long list of choices, dishes of the day, chef’s recommendations, then how you want it served, on the side, sunny side, straight up or hold the fries, which could be messy, they speak ultra quickly making ordering really quite difficult. We order two large beers, a ceaser salad for two and two steaks with the twirly barbecued flavoured fries with garlic and mustard dip. We are sitting in a bar in Vancouver, knowing the other people around us. That is weird. What are the chances of going to any other country and bumping into people you know, I said this to Allison who nodded vigorously and said that she was just thinking the same.

Allison tells me that she isn’t sure any more about how she feels about Alex. She said that he would never be able to relate to her experience on the ship and that she thinks that that might create a problem when she goes home. She also casually drops into the conversation the fact that her and Trevor were talking about sleeping together.
“What, what do you mean you’re talking about sleeping together?” I say, settling down for a good old natter. I had no idea that their relationship was anything other than a drunken snog in the crew bar and good friends.
“Well, says Allison, lowering her head and blushing slightly. Trevor is so sweet Ginny, out of the blue he told me outright that he doesn’t want to be friends anymore and that someday he hopes that we will be a couple and have babies. It was really bizarre and he was so matter of fact about it.”

The noise in the bar becomes more intense as a crowd of people noisily enter the bar. Allison and I are momentarily distracted. A group of the ships entertainers are making an entrance and singing loudly. They do this on the ship sometimes. A door to them is an entrance. Rather than walk in crew bar or walk on the dance floor they have to be holding hands and skipping, singing, cartwheeling or whatever it takes for them to be noticed. Of course everyone turns to see what all the fuss is about. We order another beer. Allison lifts her bum up in her chair and leans over to look over my shoulder.
“Vanessa’s at the bar,” said Allison, lowering herself back down again.
I resist the urge to turn around. The scene in the cabin is still playing on my mind. I would never hit anyone. Okay so I can get bad tempered, but cant even remember the last time I lost it. Even Giles, who broke my heart and left me with a ton of bills to pay didn’t see me lose my temper perhaps that was because he was a frigging coward and restricted all our conversations along a four-mile telephone wire. Allison reassured me that she would have done the same.
“You can’t let people get away with slagging you off like that Ginny, especially on that bloody ship, said Allison, chewing on her steak. If you ask me she’s just bloody jealous, you get along with everyone, she doesn’t, you got loads of good comments about you from the passengers, she doesn’t and you get all the good looking men on the ship after you. Look what she’s stuck with, a wrinkly old married man. If I’m honest I’m a bit pissed off with you myself.” says Allison, smiling.
“I wish it were true Allison, but it’s not. Neil might be good looking but he’s a bit of an asshole. I wouldn’t say that I’m that lucky, we have never been ashore together and we never have sex…”
“You’re kidding, chokes Allison. You mean you two are not sleeping together?”
“Well, I say moving closer to Allison, we did, once, as you and everyone knows, but after that, every time he would just come to the cabin and pass out. He’s always so drunk. But I’m happy just to have him come to the cabin than not to see him at all. The last few days he’s changed, he hasn’t been to the cabin and is always drinking in passenger areas. Now, you tell me, does that not sound like he’s seeing someone else?”
“Mmm, said Allison giving it some consideration. Well, if I am honest, it doesn’t sound good, she said. Come on Ginny, if he were seeing someone you’d have heard about it by now.”
I tell her what Jackie had said about him being up in the casino bar with one of the shop girls.
“Well I spend most of my life up there and I haven’t seen him up there alone with any one person, he’s usually up there in a group. And anyway he isn’t stupid enough to come up there with anyone when he knows that I will tell you.”

The conversation is giving me a headache. It’s too much to think about.
“This is ridiculous Allison. If I were at home now and got myself involved with someone who came to my house every night drunk and who passed out of my floor, I would have ended it by now and I certainly wouldn’t be obsessing over him, that’s for sure. Its not like we have so much in common or that we’ve been together for years, it’s just that I’m not at home and there is nothing to think about other than Neil. No bills waiting to be paid when I get back to the cabin, nothing to distract me from crawling down to the crew bar every night, I cant go home, put the kettle on and curl up on the sofa and spend three hours speaking to Iona on the phone and arrange to go bowling the next day,” I say, feeling the veins bulge in my neck from the frustration of it all. “He is all I have as an escape from the all the shit.”
“God Ginny, and I thought that I hated being here,” said Allison, sitting back in her chair, she is chewing on her steak, her knife and fork are clasped in each hand in the upright position either side of her place mat.
“Sorry, god that felt good,” I say, feeling slightly better.
“So, I say, getting back to Allison and Trevor. Are you going to sleep with him then?”
Allison took a sip of beer and placed the glass back down carefully on the table.
“I’m going to finish with Alex.”
“Oh, wow, are you sure you don’t feel the same anymore Allison, it’s the job Allison, you’ll probably feel different when you get back home,” I tell her.
“Mabye, but I do like Trevor, I like him a lot," she says, turning pink by her honesty. I wont do anything with Trevor until I end it with Alex. That’s the worst bit, telling him. I don’t want to write to him and tell him and speaking to him on the phone just makes me nervous.
“Why don’t you ask one of the fendi slappers,” I ask, they love to break people up?
“Very funny, no, I will do it but not just yet,” she said as the bill arrived.
I look at my watch and see that we only have a few hours left before we go back to the ship. We pay the bill and leave the bar saying hello to fellow crewmembers on the way to the door. Allison stops to speak to someone and I stand behind her looking around. I can feel someone standing close behind me, when someone touches my elbow. I turn around to see who it is. Firstly I didn’t recognise him without his boiler suit. I haven’t seen him for ages. I’m not sure if he is trying to get my attention or just trying to get past us so I turn back to Allison.
“Scuzzatame,” comes his voice from behind me.
I turn round. He isn’t that much taller than me but I still need to look up to see his face. His eyes are ice blue around large black pupils.
“Would you like a drink?” he asks, his English is broken and his accent is what can only be describes as dreamy.
If it weren’t for Neil and timing I would have had a drink with him. He really is good-looking I think to myself. I wonder whether he’s a breast man or not, perhaps he’s colour blind I think to myself but realise that in his job that wouldn’t be possible, who would our babies would look like and would they be bilingual when Allison interrupts my fast forward plans. I don’t know how long I stood there but I’m sure it wasn’t as long as it felt. I was reassured that I hadn’t been standing there for ever by the fact that he was still in front of me, his hair hadn’t turned grey and he was still looking at me intently waiting for an answer.
“Who’s this?” chimes Allison, Allison is not a chimer, it’s the beer talking.
I don’t know who he is so I look at him and let him introduce himself.
“Alessio,” he replied, taking Allison’s hand, which I think is a bit formal until he pulls her to him and kisses her on both cheeks.
Allison is flustered and red in the face. Next it’s my turn. He offers me his hand and says that it is a “piacere” to meet you Ginny. I don’t know how he knows my name. I take his hand and he pulls me forward and places a kiss on each cheek. He smells of a fresh crisp aftershave.
On the second kiss my eyes are drawn to someone on a stool at the bar, it’s Neil. He’s sitting with some of the lads from the ship staring at me. His face gives nothing away. Alessio is waiting for an answer. Momentarily I’m distracted by the presence of Neil. I wonder how long he’s been here.
“Sorry Alessio, I say, we can’t. We only have a short time off and have got things to do.”
He tells us that he is very sorry and that he will see us around the sheep. God can none of the Italians say Ship? He leaves and so do we. I know it’s un-cool and Iona would kill me if she knew, but I take one last look over my shoulder at Neil who is laughing with some friends. I would love to stay and give him the opportunity to come over and explain that everything is all right. I want him to tell me that when he leaves the ship next Saturday that he will stay in touch, that he wants me to wait for him and that he will come back on this ship to be with me. I don’t want this to be some kind of holiday romance where you may never see each other again. While other people do meet up again on ships there is no chance for us because I will never set foot on another ship, unlike Neil who wants to do another couple of contracts and see some more of the world.

I have asked myself over and over again what’s the point in even caring. It will have to end sometime anyway so it may as well be now, but I cannot convince myself. He can’t come into my life, sleep with me and then have no consideration for me. The entire ship finds out that we’ve slept together and then he’s seen all over the ship with other girls. Fuck him. I’m suddenly mad again. I’m just about to turn away when he turns around and looks at me, he’s still laughing. I turn away and head for the door telling Allison that I had spotted Neil and just needed to get out of there. At least I knew where he was.

Allison and I both need different things from the shopping mall so agree to split up. We arrange to meet at the coffee shop later to go back to the ship together. I had bought an international calling card several weeks ago that I have still not used. I phoned my Gran, which is as good as phoning the whole family. I spent about ten minutes telling her about the ship and Vancouver and she told me that we have family in Canada somewhere and goes through every city but still cannot remember. I tell her I love her and ask her to tell everyone that I am fine and missing them all. Then I press Iona’s number. I stood with the phone pressed to my ear. It seemed like an eternity between each ring and then she answered.
“Hello.” came the voice at the other end of the phone. It was like we were in the same room except for the echo.
“Hi, Iona, it’s me Ginny,” I shouted, all the way to England. I was smiling to myself but at the same time I was fighting back the tears.
I hear my voice ego at the other end of the phone before a high-pitched scream comes from Iona. Iona demands to know everything but I insist she tells me first. She filled me in on everything, James, her job and the latest gossip. I reassured her that everything was fine. She said that if I hadn’t have called today she was ready to call the Cruise line to see what had happened to me.
“I know something is wrong Ginny, shouted Iona, I can tell by your voice, is it the job? Did you meet someone?” she rushed on, eager to get all the news.
For the first time ever I lie to Iona and tell her the credit on my calling card is finished. I shouted that I would call her soon and thanked her for the telegram.
“I miss you,” I yell into the receiver.
A huge lump came to my throat and a few tears escaped and rolled down my cheeks when I put the receiver down. There are a few people waiting to use the phone. A couple of people looked at me with concerned expressions on their faces. The one thing that has hit me about this City is that everyone is so friendly. I spend a good part of the next two hours in a daze. I feel numb. Phoning home didn’t help. I hope that I haven’t worried Iona too much, she sounded so pleased to hear from me.

Everything is so clean and grand and the shops actually sell clothes in my size. Using my credit card I buy a lovely pink shirt for Iona and one the same for one of my sisters. I don’t like buying clothes for myself and heaven knows I’ve got enough with me, so I decide that anything I buy in future will be a present for someone at home. I stop at the ‘drug store’ and buy some eye drops that Nicky told me about. She promised it would get rid of the bloodshot eyes I have come accustomed to waking up with every morning.
“It’s a must for all bar staff.” She said, dropping the magic liquid in her eyes to prove to me that it really does work.
I stop and grab some postcards of Vancouver and decided to go to the café early and sit and chill out. I wrote all twelve postcards over three decaffeinated cappuccinos. On each card I wrote a brief note saying something about having a fantastic time but missing everyone. It felt much better just by making contact again and it’s better than talking where there is a chance that I might actually voice my feelings and breakdown or something. Perhaps some of them will write back. I am feeling calmer now than I have done over the last few days. I sit and tell myself off for smacking Vanessa, ignoring Neil and then passing up the best offer I’ve had in ages to have a drink with the Italian Officer. I drain my coffee and warn myself to get a grip. Only another hundred months to go.

Allison was excited as she showed me her new purchases before we headed back to the ship. We met a few people we knew who were just coming ashore as we walked down the hill towards the ship. Again, like the restaurant it was kind of weird waving and saying hello to people in a strange city when we were so used to seeing each other in the restriction of the ship. Unlike a few hours before, I felt kind of tingly when I saw the ship. It sat there looking spectacularly white and imposing in the harbour. Nearing the ship I could feel myself straightening up for the public. Yes, I do work on this ship my body was saying, aren’t I lucky. They didn’t know what lay behind the thick steel of the ship. I’m sure to them that the ship is pure luxury. As soon as I stepped on board I felt like I had just got home from the shops, which I had, but I’d never expected to feel like this was home, ever. This is not home.