Echo

By Ray Schaufeld

Fri, 24 Nov 2017
  • 2231 reads
8 comments
 

remember Amanda

that day    Helen’s Bay

when we ran from the House

and the work and the stress

 

and the slowrattle train

all the stops    oldseat carriage

 

and the beachside café

slopping tea

biscuits dunker

saucer slurper

 showoff funbad!

 

and we ran in the sea

splashy waves shoving splosh

water chase at our face

dance and laugh, lark and leap

in the sun

 

then the walk and the train

back to work

 

then my bad

   turned to worse

years ago

well came slow

 

and today          nowagain

  nowagain                      nowagain

 

Remember     Amanda    The café     Helen’s Bay?

 

  

   

Certificate U
Poem
Lost and found
Autobiography

Comments

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

Love the idea of taking chances elsie. It always works out better when you don't plan but just do. Sounded like a fun day.

Jenny.

 

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

Yes, Jenny you have read the mood of unplanned funsmiley

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

The relaxation and escapism well depicted.

I assume your ending is things going downhill, but getting better slowly (well came slow), but you still hanker for times of relax, forget and escape and 'freedom' from tensions. Rhiannon

 

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

the animation of the scene is really well reflected in the words and rhythm - I liked this Elsie. Spur of the moment is almost always a Good Thing!

 

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

Thanks for your comments Rhiannon and Inserto.

The poem fastens on a memory from 40 years back. An awful summer voluntary work job and a fab afternoon out by the sea. Rhiannon you are right about remembering the afternoon of freedom and relaxation, a work colleage acting daft in a little seaside teashop, slopping his t in a saucer and slurping it up on purpose! Did I copy him? Knowing me...

The title 'Echo' is because I have done a double borrow with mood and format.

Hilaire Belloc wrote 'Tarantella' in 1929  - 'do you remember an inn. Miranda..'

Then in the 60s or early 70s (?) Tom Raworh wrote 'Variations on a theme'

It starts 'do you remember a hill, Miranda?' and his last line has a similar layout to mine. I like how he did not write off Belloc as an 'old hat' guy using a back-dated rhyme scheme but saw the shared feel of good-time memory.

I used Amanda because it is a more 'today' name.

My Miranda/Amanda's 'real' name was Jonathan.

No idea where he is now but well and happy I hopesmiley

Submitted by PoppyS on

Life is so much more fun when unplanned/random - loved the pace of this.

Pops ~xx~

Writing is art in pictures – Go paint poetry!

Submitted by Ray Schaufeld on

Cheers, like your mention of pace.

My first line came about in a music workshop. We were making a group rhythm with a mix of instruments, mainly percussion and we had also looked at a table full of laminated images, some of them landscape, to inspire our words. Then we spoke our lines over the sound.

Submitted by PoppyS on

Interesting, I attended a poetry workshop where we wrote to music to try and help give us tempo as well as stir those inner feelings (I really enjoyed it and still try to use it sometimes) I find music works for me.

 

Pops ~xx~

Writing is art in pictures – Go paint poetry!