Bladdered

"Oh, FINALLLY!"
"After twenty minutes at full pressure you have decided to answer my
call. How very gracious of you. How very noble to give deference to
your humble servant. I mean I'm only a complex chemical filtration
system. The only one you've got. I'm only trying to get rid of some of
the gallons of lager you keep pouring down your ungrateful little neck
like I'm some sort of bottomless pit! If I didn't do my job you would
die of poisoning in minutes or drown in beer but, oh no, must wait
until half time"

"Right, well I'm sorry but I have spent the last twenty minutes in
'reverse thrust' so it's going to take me a while to get things going.
You'll just have to wait until I'm good and ready"

"hum de dum de dum"

"I am soooo full, I bet you can't wait to start can you? WELL
TOUGH!"

"What would you have done if there had been ten minutes of added time?
You'd have just sat there wouldn't you? Bursting, knowing I was at
breaking point, pushing your luck too far. What's going to happen when
the world cup's on? You'll have to start carrying a small Dutch boy
around in case of emergencies"

"I see everyone else at the trough has started, still, it's not a race,
I won't be rushed"

"Evening"

"You can stop whistling, it's an old wives tale and you can't carry a
tune to save your life. I need to relax and you're putting me
off!"

"Right, check levels, pressure&;#8230;"

"It's no good shaking it up and down like some kind of Comic Relief
water pump. I'm in control, that thing's just a tool I use. What you're
doing there is like shouting at the ref, you know he can't hear you but
it makes you feel better for trying."

" Oh dear, the man on your left has gone and someone's taken his spot
and you haven't started yet. Embarrassed? Serves you right. I might
wait until he's finished and gone so he'll think you're some kind of
weirdo who hangs around men's toilets whistling and shaking his nob at
strangers"

"Evening"

"My God! Have you seen the size of him next door? It's a bit
intimidating to say the least. I've only got this thing to work with.
It's no wonder he's flowing like that, I bet he could do crowd control.
It's like sitting next to Michael Schumacher on the starting grid in a
Hilman Imp."

"Look, you don't have to cough just because everyone else has, it
doesn't help and it only brings attention to you and your dry bit of
trough"

"Right, here goes"

"I know it's just a trickle, I'm doing my best. Things are still a bit
tense in here"

"Bit more, opening up the tubes a little&;#8230;.that's
better&;#8230;&;#8230;bit more&;#8230;getting the hang of it
now&;#8230;&;#8230;relaxing&;#8230;."

"Stand well back people, this is gonna be HUGE!"

"CAN I PISS OR WHAT!?"

"Just look at that stream, I've unwrapped two fag ends already and I
think the little blue blocks are going to crack any second. I see 'Herr
Schumacher' has run out of gas, let's take the flag"

"Weeeeeeeee&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;&;#8230;"

" Do you have to spit in it? I mean really, you're not in Rawhide you
know"

"&;#8230;&;#8230;.ahhhhhhhhhh&;#8230;.."

"&;#8230;.and relax"

"Err, Excuse me. Where the hell do you think you're going? I haven't
finished yet"

"Yes I know the flow has stopped but there's some left. Remember our
agreement? The three final spurts?"

"I'm not telling you what they're for, it's a secret. Yes, I could just
empty like an upturned bottle with the cork removed but where's the
performance in that?"

"No, there's no medical reason for it I just like doing it. Call it job
satisfaction. Anyway, it lets you know that you can't control
me."

"&;#8230;..There's the first, quite strong, almost back to full
pressure"

"It was all great in the early days, I could do as I pleased. I would
sometimes just empty wherever the hell we were, just for the sheer joy
of the moment. You used to love it, lying there on your back while we
filled your dad's nostrils between nappies"

" We even filled your nostrils once, do you remember when that nurse
gave you a bed pan after your appendix operation and then she leant
over and plumped your pillows"

"&;#8230;..There's the second, more of a trickle but still worthy of
comment"

"Then you started trying to control me, stopping my fun. Why me eh? You
never interfered with the heart or the lungs, they just do their own
thing however they like but not me, oh no. Suddenly I was your enemy.
You'd wake up in the mornings and hate me for doing my own thing
without your 'permission'. We were friends and you started treating me
like a slave. Now look. I have to wait for half time and nearly rupture
myself trying to save your miserable skin just so you don't miss some
other poor bladder getting kicked around a field for two minutes! Well
I'm sick of it!"

"&;#8230;..There's the&;#8230;.Oh no it's not, it's crawling back
up. Stings a bit does it?"

"Who's in control now eh Buddy Boy? Oooh, was that the whistle for the
second half? Have all the others gone back in the pub? Are you stood,
alone, at the whim of your own bladder while your team fights it out on
the big screen in there? You could go in but I'm not finished and you
wouldn't want any accidents, not unless you support Tottenham HOT
SPURT! HA! Who's laughing now mister 'cross your legs and boogie 'till
it goes away!'. Whose 'pissing themselves' now? Not you, not until I
say so GOT IT?"

"&;#8230;&;#8230;Th&;#8230;.t&;#8230;.there we are then,
there's the third&;#8230;.worth the wait I think and I hope you've
learnt your lesson although we have this conversation every Saturday so
I doubt it."