Meat and potatoe pies, information for the nation

The Meat and Potato Pie, INFORMATION FOR THE NATION

There aren't many things in life that can be compared to the meat and
potato pie. This is usually due to size and texture, the elephant is a
good example. Even comparisons of sheer quality are rare.
The Rolls Royce, considered by many to be the Rolls Royce of cars, is
an example of quality. It has a reputation for excellence but at a
price. I have yet to see a new Rolls for 59p, I have seen cheese rolls
for 58p but that is utterly irrelevant and should not form any part of
a discussion about meat and potato pies (MAPPs&;#8230;not to be
confused with maps, although anybody who does probably needs sitting
down and teaching to masturbate quietly in a corner until tea
time).
Many people say, (although usually one at a time and in different
places to avoid looking like a bit of a cult) "what about a shell?" to
which I reply, "No thanks, I've got a meat and potato pie". The shell
people then look a bit uneasy and finger the collars of their shiny
jogging outfits before saying, "No, I mean what about a shell as a
comparison? It is a wonder of natural design, the internal dimension of
each curve of it's perfectly formed spiral is exactly the square of the
curve before it. There is no better design in all the 'mac' operated
design studios in the world added together and yet there are hundreds
of them lying about the place, free of charge." I never interrupt a
shell person during this verbal onslaught because, and let's not forget
this, I have a pie to eat. I always carry one in case I see a little
cult coming towards me in a shell suit. Once they have finished, I wipe
the crumbs from the corners of my mouth and simply say, "I don't like
you" this is a good way of setting the tone and avoiding any hugging,
"my father was a 'mac' operator and did some very exciting work before
they dragged him from the park and sent him to prison. The flavour of a
MAPP is beyond the wonders of natures design." I then get out a spare
photocopy of 'masturbating quietly for beginners' which I keep handy in
case I find any cartographers wandering around my local bakery looking
confused, and direct them to the nearest safe corner.
For anybody who has never sampled the ejaculation inducing effects of a
MAPP, I will attempt here to describe what is, for me, like having a
really good pie.
The pie is round, not like the steak and kidney, so you can start
wherever you want at it's edge without the tremendous guilt associated
with starting a non round pie.
The pie is deep and the same diameter at the bottom as the top. Other
round pies, like the chicken and mushroom, look very impressive from
above but, once out of the foil their under side peters away into a
small shallow like one of those ashtrays you get in job centres.
The pie has suet pastry, yes that's right damn you I said SUET PASTRY.
This is a proper pie, never forget that. How many times have you sat
down to a 'steak and ale' pie in a dish at some lunchtime pub and
innocently stuck a fork into the four foot tall pastry on the top, only
to have it deflate before your very eyes, chin, throat and nipples into
something that resembles a shaved ferret in a bed of autumn
leaves?
How many times have you bought a 'minced beef and onion' (just the
thought makes me gip) and driven to meet a friend or casual sexual
partner, only to have the first bite bring a cascade of sweaty flakes
pouring over your lap. These flakes are the devils dandruff, they (like
cigarette ash) cannot be picked up as they simply crumble and stay in
even smaller pieces where they fell. My front seat used to look like
the Forrest of Dean in November before I discovered the MAPP.
I believe it was Mao Tse Tung who said, "When the wind of change blows,
build windmills, not fences" Well let me say right here that if the
'wind of change' ever does blow with any kind of force then I'm getting
indoors because it was me who said, "A 50p piece in the eye hurts like
a blues singer with 'space hopper' haemorrhoids" let the homeless deal
with it, it's their right.
Old Mr. Tung had a point though, because it is the fear of change that
is keeping you, dear reader, from your first MAPP. The problem is that
these savoury beauties can only be found in a certain remote land where
the local people have little contact with the outside world, the local
name is Lancashire but we know it as Coronation Street.
I implore you all to petition parliament to have these poor people
contacted and educated to the ways of our civilised world, show them
electricity and the internet, show them the wonders of Caffe Latte and
Cajun Wraps and maybe, just maybe, they will share with us all the
wonders of the Meat and Potato Pie.

THANKYOU

{No pies were hurt in the making of this document}