Alan

Sometimes you sit and wonder if you will ever find the courage to
tell someone how you feel about them. Most times you say things in
passing, but most of the time you find yourself keeping your words and
thoughts to yourself. It doesn't make sense. There's way too much going
through your mind. Too many doubts that cloud your mind. Too many times
you find yourself on the end of words that you never want to here.
That's where I always seem to be, but I rather be honest with the
people in my life rather than live a lie. I need something in my life
that needs to be constant and right now that's being honest with the
people in my life. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's the way
I see it. I'm not looking for a grand revelation, but sometimes when I
tell someone how I feel about them I want something different, an
atypical response, something that isn't normal, at least not normal for
me.

The only problem with this is that I feel really confused, almost
conflicted about the way I feel about Alan. I mean for the most part
he's my friend and that's all I wanted him to be. I don't want to think
about him this way. I don't want him to be anything but a friend and
even after all the things that we talked about it's all I wanted him to
be. That's all he was going to be. I know he never thought about me in
any other way than being a friend, but even then I knew I had a crush
on him. I knew he was different from the first time we ever spoke. All
we did was talk about a couple of things. I mean I talked about his
love life for the most part, but even though I was counseling him about
how he should approach it I wondered if he was thinking about me in any
other way than just being a friend, but I know that it wouldn't be for
the best because I'm not sure what we're looking for. We all want so
many things out of life. Who's to tell if we're looking for love or
just for a warm body to curl up with? I've never been in a relationship
and I wouldn't know how to go from being single to needing no one to
being in something where I would constantly be needed and come to
constantly be needed. Who knows if I would even assume those roles or
if I would allow myself to become that type of person? Right now I like
who I am and who I'm becoming. I know there's parts of my life that
need to be worked out but who has it all together at this point in
their lives. There's so much that I want to do, that I want to
accomplish and looking back at where I came from I know there's so much
that I've overcame and there's so much out there that I have to get
past.

Thing is I don't know what I feel for Alan. When I saw him Saturday he
was such a sight for sore eyes. I didn't know if I would see him, I was
hoping that he would be by, but more than that I'm trying to deal with
the fact that I won't see him anymore when he moves. He's been a part
of my life for the last five months. How important has he been? Is this
a passing fancy or do I feel like there could be something more? Do I
want there to be something more? Does it really matter? He's still
leaving; going away and there's nothing that's going to make him stay,
least of all me. I'm just a friend and that's all I'll ever be. Someone
that he can confide in, to a degree. Someone that listened and offered
what advice they could about the obstacles and complexities of life.
There is no up or down, side to side or back to front. Life presses on
as it always has. There's nothing unique to it but the people in it.
Life will always change and will always divide the weak from the
strong. Sometimes you go through alone and sometimes you go through
with a lot of people who mean nothing and a few people that mean
something. Thing is that people always affect you no matter what. No
matter what you say or do they affect yes to some degree even when you
say you don't. I always say I can make it without anyone that I can
deal with the fact that I may never find someone that makes me feel
complete the way another person can. You can have a feeling of
completion from you alone, but with another person it's a feeling that
cannot be describe but it can. It's a contradiction of terms that only
makes sense through the understanding heart. You mind is confused and
bewildered but the barrage of feelings, but you know you can navigate
your way through the shit to find the sense of it all. The pieces of
the puzzle that didn't want to come together couldn't come together
start to create the picture that was nothing more than a blur years
ago. You find the edges, you put it together and you find out that you
couldn't do it alone, that you did need someone.

So when I think about needing someone I know that my head is going to
say one thing, but my heart is always is going to yearn for that other
person. I'm always going to have a need for someone to be there. A need
for someone to tell me that I'm doing the right things, the need to be
held at night when I can't keep the world at bay. It's not always easy
being the person I am. There are things that affect me all the time
that people see and things that affect me that no one sees. Sometimes I
can be the cold hearted bastard, ice cold bitch even, but there are
times when I need to be that person less I fall into a fit of
depression from all the things around me. Better to detach rather than
become attach. Rather to rely on reason and thought rather than let my
heart guide me through completely. The heart can navigate you through
so much, but it can bind you to the pain and realities of a situation
that no one should have to feel or tolerate at times. There's so much
in our lives that we can't control that the little control we have we
cling to.

I don't know how to let go. I don't know what I should do sometimes.
Sometimes it doesn't feel like I'll be able to let someone in. I don't
want anyone to be that close. I don't anyone to know the truth. I don't
want anyone to know more than anyone else knows. I have control over my
life to an extent and to let someone in, to let them get that close is
a scary thing. I don't want any baggage, but everyone has baggage
including me. It's not that I can't deal with it, but I want to be free
from the concerns of something that I had nothing to deal with. Helping
people get through it is one thing, but be cornered by it constantly
isn't something that I want to deal with. I don't know if that makes
sense. Maybe I'm a little scared to step into a new relationship. I
don't know if I'm mature enough to handle the complexities of a
relationship that is so intimate that it would require me to be
completely open, completely honest about who I am when sometimes I feel
like it's a struggle to know who that person is. I want someone to know
who that person is, but I want that person to be someone that people
want to know, want to love but all someone will see is what they want
to see. They'll talk the talk and walk the walk and when it comes to an
admission of how I feel they'll come up short. I'll always come up
short when it comes to the matters of the heart. It's not something
that I want to understand, but because of who I am I know that I'll try
to understand it to make it real, to make it obtainable in my mind. Is
love obtainable can I tell someone how I feel and not have them turn a
blind eye to me, have them erase me from their mind and from their
view. Will I still exist or will they just stop looking at me,
acknowledging me or will I just be the constant friend.

Who am I to you? Who will I be? Does what I want even matter or is this
all a game to see how many times I will tell someone how I feel only to
see how I'll fail. Do my words even matter? What am I if not a person
or words who actions always seem to fall short, not for a lack of
trying, but a lack of reciprocation. Sometimes I wonder if it's even
worth it. I can't help whom I like anymore than I can help the person
not feeling the same way.

So that's how it goes. I don't know how many times I can go through
this. I don't know if I can do the dance and wonder if I should or I
shouldn't. I rather have him as a friend rather than make a fool of
myself. I rather be honest with myself and my feelings. I can't always
hold it in, but to hold it in is to keep the person in my life
sometimes. I can't always be the daring one; I can't always be the one
that makes the first move. The first move is terrifying. I wish I could
be the person that the other person needs me to be, wants me to be
desires me to be, but I'm not that person. I'm not their fantasy. I'm
only me. I'm the only person I can be, faults and all. I can't be any
more of a person than anyone else. I make my mistakes, I say the wrong
things, but I say the right things sometimes. I don't want a fuck. I
don't want one-stands I don't want any of the bullshit. I want it all.
I want the whole nine yards. I want to know the pain and beauty of love
because I know that with anything that's worth it there's always going
to be some pain, some measure of hurt that I need to go through to get
to the things I want. I desire love, I crave it and a part of me even
knows I need it, but I know that to need it means that I have to give
up some amount of control that I'm not ready to relinquish, but in love
who ever has total control.

So there lies the question or should I say questions. What do I feel
for Allen/Alan? Should I share the conflicting feelings I have for him,
with him or should I keep it inside. To keep them inside means to never
share, to never let him know, but there's so many things that he's been
through and so many people that have desired him. I don't want it to be
anything like that. There's nothing in this world I want more than to
experience than love to it's fullest extent and to have the capacity to
lose myself in that love. Thing is that I fear that I'll never know a
love like that and I don't want to feel like I set myself up for things
that can't be. Love like that can't be planned, it can't be made it
just happens through moments. Little tiny moments that we experience
day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute and no one could predict
that I would've ever met Allen the way I did. Maybe he was just someone
that was meant to waltz in my life and be the person he has been. I
don't know what I want from him. Maybe I just need to feel that there
was, is a possibility that something could've happened. I don't know
what I'm thinking about half the time. Part of the reason I never
wanted to look at Allen in this way is because I knew that it would
never be something that could happen. I knew that he would never feel
the same way if I started to care about him, but the thing is that I do
care about him. I do worry and I do think about him, but I think about
him the way friends think about one another. Or is that what I keep
telling myself so I won't get hurt. So I will just let it go and never
think about it again, but I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop
wondering. What is this I'm feeling? Infatuation? Crush? Strong
Attraction? I want to know, but I don't want to subject myself to
another failure, but is it a failure or another stepping stone of
getting to where I need to be, where I want to be. I want to know, but
at what price? I wanted to be someone that was just a friend. Someone
that could be confided in because they were there and they could be
trusted. Have a relationship that was something that was genuine and
pure from what it was and what it is. Not constantly thinking about
what it could be? I want this confusion to fade away. I don't want to
feel like this. I don't want to risk losing him because I did the wrong
thing. I don't want to look at him and have him think that I was stupid
for being honest. We're not in the same place or are we? There's so
many things that we both want to do, but he doesn't think of me that
way. Never has. Never will. I'm the one that is just the friend. It's
what I am; who I am because I don't want to let go of the possibility
that I don't have to settle. I don't want to settle, but no one should
have to settle if that's what they feel like they're doing, but once I
wish I could be the one that someone wanted. The one that someone
wanted to go after instead of me going after them.

So again where do I go from here? He's going to be gone soon and to
never say anything would cause this to become a regret and I have no
regrets only one and that's because I never told Dan how I felt. Never
hold back, you only live once, but when you know something's never
going to be why even say something. Life plans have been made, don't
complicate matters by making a fool of yourself, but who hasn't done
foolish things over the possibility of love? I just don't know if this
is love and I don't know if this is something I want to risk my
friendship over. Who's to say that I would be risking my friendship
because all I have are the conversations. I don't know what I want. I
don't know if I should even be writing this anymore. I should just let
it all go because it's just going to turn me inside out. I just want an
answer over what I should do. I know I'm nothing more than the
perpetual friend, but sometimes you need to take chances. You have to
think about the things you want out of life. There should be no
regrets, ever not over the simple things, but there's nothing simple
about this. There are truly no simple things in life. At least we don't
make them simple. Where I'm headed with this I don't know I just wish I
could make sense of it. I wish I could just say what I feel, but I
don't know what I feel. I just wish he knew, but there's nothing in
this world that is ever easy for me when it comes love. Love is never
is. Life is never easy. Complications. Catastrophes. Confusion. My life
is full of them. Yet my life would be incomplete without them.