Unspoken Words

When I write I usually write for myself and no else. I don't think
about what everyone else may be thinking or feeling. I guess I'm not
thinking about that either right now. I don't want to take into account
what may happen as a result of this, or what may not happen because I
decided to tell you how I feel right now not to mention what I've been
feeling since I first saw you. I can't put into words that I can
whisper. I don't even know you and I know this is probably purely
infatuation and if it is it's a good one. It's one that's made me smile
and made me feel warm inside at the same time. It's something that I
haven't felt in a long time.

I don't even know if I'm even going to give you this letter. I don't
know if you'll ever see these words. What comes to mind when I think
about doing this is all the times things have gone the wrong way and
been taken way out of context. I don't what other context this can be
taken, but what I feel is something different when I look at you. You
bring a smile to my face when you took to me and I know it's more than
just that shy feeling get when I try to talk to people. I like gazing
in your eyes and when I see you I wish I had the courage to ask you
your name. I know it sounds sad, but every time I work up the courage
to do it I feel it all slip away. I feel like everything that I held to
me has faded. Maybe I'm fading myself. Maybe I don't have the courage I
thought I had. It takes so much for me to do what I want and what I
need and I wonder if this is the same.

I want the words I say to you, that I share with you; I want them to be
special. I want the words to have meaning. I don't want them to sound
like another line because they're not. I don't do lines. I admit given
the right amount of liquor I do flirt, but I chose my words carefully.
When I say something there's a reason behind it. Idle chat isn't
something that I do well because I don't like pretext, but I know that
getting right to the point sometimes throw people, but it's who I am
most of the time.

I know what I feel is probably surface value, but I want to look past
that. I need to get past that to the person inside, the person that
matters, the person that I really want to know. To appreciate the
outer, to really appreciate it I need to know the inner, but is that
something that can be achieved between the two of us. Will you only
look to the outer and turn away from the inner. I want to know, but at
the same time I don't want to know.

Part of me wonders if it's worth it, worth the pain and heartache. So
many times I've talked to people and I've had nothing in common with
them and those that I do never really see pass the outer. Many times I
don't want them to. I'm scared of what they may see. Scared that they
might actually touch that part of me that's the real me, the part of me
that I can't hide, but hide so well. That part of me that always seems
to be lost in the shadows of others, even myself at times. I think we
all have portions of ourselves that we hide, but too many times I've
found myself hiding completely.

I guess this if a very exaggerated way of saying that I think you're
handsome and I would like to know you, but I know that there's reasons
why that'll probably never happen. I have to think positive, but I know
the reality of it all. Just passing eyes in the night we'll always
be.