Brand New

I was new. He knew I was new. I knew he knew I was new. I explained the problem; slowly. Get your patronising in first. Let them know you won’t be looked down on, just because you’re outranked. I stopped speaking abruptly, he looked distracted.
- ‘Ahem, Corporal… Schweijk, is it?’ A joke? Who knew?
- ‘Orlando, sir.’ I said.
- ‘Really? How extraordinary? Now, what was it again?’
All that superciliousness wasted: he hadn’t been listening – or was going to pretend he hadn’t.
- ‘The others, sir, on my watch…’ I began.
- ‘Bullying, is it? Come on, Corporal, bit of ragging, is that all?’ he asked, impatiently.
- ‘Not exactly, sir…’ This was going to be painful. The guy was a poster boy for the Tory party local selection committee. More retired Wing Commander, than ageing Flight Lieutenant. He even affected a handlebar moustache, in 1999 for fuck’s sake.

- ‘Well… out with it, Orlando. An officer’s time is valuable, you know.’
- ‘It’s just, since the operation, the others… well, they whisper and no-one has spoken a word to me, to my face I mean.’
- ‘Operation? What Op Telic, you mean?’ He looked truly, truly confused. Like a dog watching a fly.
I sighed. ‘The surgical procedure, sir.’
- ‘Ahhh! A lot of time off was it? Fed up with picking up your slack?’ He missed the point with unerring skill.
- ‘No sir, you do remember don’t you? 12 months ago? My last interview?’
He peered at me over that moustache: an inquisitive walrus inspecting a very odd fish.
-‘You’re new aren’t you? Never seen you before in me life, Corporal.’ It was angry bluster, as if he himself was aware he hadn’t quite grasped something.
I crossed my legs and his gaze followed and jerked away, embarrassed.
Then I laughed.
- ‘New. You could say that sir. Perhaps without the skirt and the make up?’
I jumped up, stood rigidly to attention and bellowed, maybe in a slightly higher register than he’d remember:
- ‘F8208536 Cpl Orlando, Toni with an “I”, sir’
It was worth it for the look of horror on his face. As I left his office he looked blonde-bombshell-shocked. I saw him shaking his head, murmuring
- ‘New…. New…’