Sorry Susan

My Id And My Ego

From an early age I have craved attention and the positivity of praise.  I suppose we all do, but for me it was important to my fragile ego.  I was quiet, shy and polite as a child.  Coming out of my shell for those who knew me and supported me.  Their adulation was vital to me, yet I always carried a darker side.  My Id was as ferociously jealous as my Ego was generous.

So this morning I found myself crying.  I always do cry at emotional things and especially happy endings to emotive films, books or stories.  I was watching the first audition of Susan Boyle as she appeared on Britain’s Got Talent all those years ago.  Yet as I scanned the audience, I saw myself.  Cynical, scornful and dismissive.  Laughing at her frumpy appearance as she strode onto the stage and crying with joy at the pure silver of her wonderful voice.  I have all her albums now and her voice is a place of wonder and refuge for me.

So I began to think about my own life.  Had I gotten in with ‘The Wrong Crowd’ I would no doubt have been part of Crystal Nacht or baying for Christ’s crucifixion with all the rest.  I do not condemn those who get into drugs because I am weak-willed and easily led and could have easily fallen by the wayside as it were.

I will always battle with my darker self but at least I know where he is.  It may be natural to be suspicious even defensive of something or someone I don’t know, but turning that fear into prejudice or bigotry is easily done if I let it.

So I say “Sorry Susan” and “Thank you for your courage and example.  May I always be mindful of the salutary lesson of today and carry it forward for the rest of my days.