Painting Madness

Lately I've been interested in schizophrenic artists beause their art is inspirational. The art of people diagnosed with schizophrenia often has a distinct surreal quality, sharpness, and feeling of separation. I've realized that I can't paint in such a way, and it would require a lot more practice. My art is more moody and impressionist, which may depict a different state of being or presence. But the paintings shouldn't label or define the artist's mental state in such a grossly defined mannar. We have to take into account what the artist is thinking, feeling, or is driven by to paint in such a way. People with schizophrenia often feel lonely. Those who can depict this feeling of isolation and lonliness should be congratulated for being able to put such profound work into that darkness.

I sometimes wonder if schizophrenia helps people produce these images better. When I was in a manic or psychotic state I was able to visualize paintings so vividly in my mind's eye before I took medication to dull my senses and this was to them a way of making me better, but to me was a false sense of realism. There are still many unresolved problems, and it seems to me that instead of medication curing my symptoms they have only been further burdened within my subconcious because they tend to arise in the dream state. I have incredibly fantastical dreams and often frightening nightmares that make me feel my personality has been split apart by a fragmented sense of identity in my world.

When I paint, I have too many ideas and yet I am not happy enough to keep my paintings intact. I constantly mix the colors and eventually they end up being a blur. This is my depression seeping through. But recently I ruined an abstract because it wasn't what I wanted it to be, and I ended up with blue flowers that I was happy with. I have the creative drive, just not the instruction or motivation to complete the task. This is a symptom of the same dilemma of my own schizophrenia or bipolar. I have the intuition and depth to defeat it, but there are no tasks that have been placed before me which actually challenged me to think rationally. I had to teach myself to overcome schizophrenia. I had to play my own therapist, and pretentiously they might want to analyze my behavior but in the end, it was my own activities that worked better than any medication. I also used a lot of energy and visualization to bring myself out of the depths of depression and madness (loss of identity).

Often society reinforces this pattern of losing one's identity.

I've been having lucid dreams more often lately, and recently had one where I was attacked again. This time I forced him away and he manifested as a man clothed sitting on my bed. It was frightening to put a face to this ominous trauma. I didn't put the face to it, he manifested himself, as often secrets manifest to me. Or mysteries. I attain secret knowledge through dreams. I call it secret because I do not know the information otherwise and have no outside resource to attain it other than psychic information, or collective information. The universe speaks. This morning I heard speaking from outside for the first time in many months. It was not alarming to me. In fact I welcomed the change and ability to see what my subconscious lower mind was up to. Hidden mind. Veiled illuminated mind. It's the thought beneath the thought or surface. Often it can be repressed and manifested outwardly as oppression or anger from others.

The unconscious forces of the mind of confusing, as often are mysterious symbols we can't comprehend with little knowledge of the language. I'm learning the language. That's also how I'm overcoming schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is a real issue, what causes it I'm not sure though. I do not think it has to do with chemicals. I think it has to do with insight into hidden areas in the brain unexplored and often leads to competition with society and its institutions of thought. If you knew something so absurd to everyone else, but knew it to be true and no one acknowledged it, that would drive you to fury and madness as well. But when those very people conspire to ridicule you and lock you up for those reasons, then it is corruption at the finest.

Dissidents are locked away for speaking their minds. Peaceful protesters in places like Egypt, China, Israel, Iran, etc. can be tortured and killed for believing something different than others. In China you can't even speak about the communist rule or fear exile or persecution.

How is that any different than the way liberal minded radicals are treated like their crazy?

It happened in the 60s. It's still going on. We had Mkultra, I dont know much about it. I do know there were LSD experiments and remote viewing experiments, and schizophrenics were lobotamized etc. so we wondered what silenced all the protests and who shot Kennedy and why John Nash invented Game Theory and was so brilliant, claimed to be inducted by the CIA, and suddenly he's a schizophrenic. Or even Charlie Sheen, a 911 "truther" suddenly goes berzerkowitz. It's not random enough. But then we have sudden media attention of crazed mass shooters who all seem like they were tripping on LSD, called schizophrenics when several only were Autistic or suffered PTSD. Most of them but one were proven to carry actual labels of schizophrenia.

So it seems like it is being done on purpose. But why would anyone do such a horrible thing on purpose? Like knock two towers down in a controlled demolition and create random false flag events with phony terrorists. Why? They have too much time on their hands. More than me.

But before all this happened the thought was in my mind, "I'm sure their gonna go after schizophrenics now"

Because schizophrenia is a powerful weapon of mass destruction in the hands of terrorists.

But anyways, there is a such thing a schizophrenia. It's just too hard today to distinguish fact from fiction especially in the media.

My dad flipped out at me when I mentioned the U.S. and how they caused a ripple effect in the Middle East to gain control of the petro dollar. So there's obviously a barrier between my father and I. Little brother is now big brother etc. There's too much irony in it all, the story I wrote in 2001 was the summer before or after 911 when I took a cross country trip to California and I wrote about how the U.S. would invade other countries and become depedent on oil in an abstract sense. It started like this "and they prostrated themselves to billboards and worshipped madness in their prison for paradise"....no one liked it because it made them uncomfortable and they didn't understand I was twelve years old and dished out a lot of criticism.

My mother was also a civil disobediant. She protested the WHINSEC or SOA, was interrogated by the FBI and wrote secret letters to activists. She struggles with mania and has for some time but just because she is doesn't give me a reason to have to be one too. She began her descent after she was released from jail and never spoke of her experiences in there but her journals are online and you can tell she was stressed a lot.

I was put under extreme pressure to take medication when I was fifteen. It seemed I was singled out.

I was told their methods were to break me in order to comply. I was well for about 1 week and a half before I was told if I didn't take a medication anti-psychotic that I wouldn't be released and I was ok anyways.

The medication disintegrated my senses and identity, it caused a wave of depression of fogginess to sweep over me almost like witchcraft.  It is not a natural means to get someone well.

Because our society is disconnected.

To be able to express the feelings of isolation is an amazing feat for any artist. In my manic states I had lots of beautiful paintings and it came naturally, now after years of taking pills, not so easy. But I can still write and much better than before when my symptoms rendered it impossible to write a logical sentence.

I don't believe we were targeted, only pointing out the obvious reasons people can feel paranoid and a part of why my mother will never seek help.

Our society doesn't allow help. Our society is disintegrated. Too many people have allowed themselves to become corrupt and careless.

No one cares enough and that's how the people up top want you to be, not to question authority. Not to ask reasons why.

The voices I heard told me some stories, though I didn't believe or dismiss them. There were a few of different frequencies. One was the thoughts I projected to an imagined intelligence agency which I hacked with my brain and was reading my EMF signals. The others were from Mercury and told me Earth is so horrible and that there was no truth here, and no justice, and that I shouldn't have come here. Speaking to my soul, and it told me it had two moons except their not moons their called Obelisks and then he said we are being invaded by monsters or demons beneath the earth. I would call them demons, but who was here first I wonder? Perhaps its revenge they seek, or perhaps it's because we live in a world united by its polarities and that good and evil co-exist so easily in this world, that its hard to distinguish one from another.

The problem is we see our world through such colored lenses, and fail to notice reality is much larger.

What of those lucid dreams so realistic that they can't be distinguished from waking ones?

I'm not dreaming while awake, I woke up to the real dream....

& That's why I loved the world.