Leaving...(UPDATED)

The house felt colder that morning. I’m not sure if it was the early hour or my guilt that made me shiver. It had to be a combination of the two. I gazed out of the kitchen window into the inky blackness that enveloped the street.

The blackouts made you feel as if you were living in a cave at times. The ticking of the clock on the wall and the hushing sound of the kettle boiling on the stove filled the room as I spent my last morning at home.

Violet had been so brave when I told her I had joined the army again. I had waited until all the children were asleep, thought it would be easier that way. She seemed to accept it at first. I held her hands and tried to reassure her that I had no choice. My time on the reserve list had come to an end two months previously and with that the 10 shillings a month I had received for being on the list had also ceased. I had a job for life at the coal mine and also a reserved occupation, ironically I was exempt from being called up. But signing back on with the colours offered better money. When I had left the army I was a newly married man and money didn’t seem that much of an issue. But seven years and four children later the situation had changed.

‘I probably won’t even get sent overseas love; I am a bit older now. Not much good for running around’. I knew it was no good trying to fool Violet, she was no idiot. We both knew that this poxy war wasn’t going to end by Christmas. They had said that the last time and look what had happened. A million dead and a whole generation ruined. But I had run out of ideas. So signing up for another four years was the only option.

That had been a week ago, and now this was my last morning at home. I had tried to sleep but that had done me no good. I had laid in bed listening to Violet’s shallow breathing. She had been crying before she eventually drifted off to sleep. I had pretended not to hear her. I had no idea what to do. I got up not long after and made my way downstairs. That was at one am. It was now five in the morning. I sipped my tea and practiced the brave face I knew I needed to put on when it was time to leave.

‘Are you alright daddy?’ I turned and looked over my shoulder. ‘Hello mate’, I said, as my son Ronnie walked towards me rubbing the dreams out of his eyes with one hand and carrying his teddy in the other. ‘You’re up a bit early aren’t you boy?’ I asked as I pulled him up onto my lap. ‘I heard a noise down stairs daddy; I thought it might have been a German’. I laughed at this. ‘So you came down to see him off did you? You’re a brave lad Ron!’ But don’t worry; it was only me making the tea’.

I ruffled his hair. It was thick and jet black, just like mine. My stomach tightened as the fear of not being around hit me like a train.

‘So then Ron, are you ready to look after your mum and sisters while I am away? You have to be the man of the house for me. You’re five now. A, big lad’.

‘I’ll look after them daddy. How long will it take for you to beat all the Germans?’

‘Hopefully not that long mate. Now you go back to bed for a little bit longer. I don’t want you tired’.

I gently placed him back on his feet and watched him shuffle out of the kitchen.

Once I heard the bedroom shut I stood up and opened the draw under the sink. I reached my hand right to the back feeling blindly for the leather binder that I knew was hiding there. I felt the cold material in my hand and pulled it out. Returning to my chair I sat and opened the binder.

Staring back at me was a fearless young soldier. A soldier with excitement sparkling in his hazel eyes. His uniform was immaculately pressed and you could almost feel the buzz of energy leaping from the photograph.

As I looked at myself I found it hard to remember how I felt when posing for that photo. I recall the eagerness to get into uniform and fighting an enemy. Any enemy would have done, just as long as I saw some action. How silly young men are! Despite joining up only a year after the Great War had ended, I craved to engage in battle. The naivety of youth had given me a feeling of invincibility. I quickly learned that getting shot at wasn’t as much fun as I first thought.

I stared at the photo and wished I still had the courage and the desire for action that once burned inside me. Unfortunately, in its place was an overwhelming sense of dread and resignation.

I sat on that chair for another two hours lost in my thoughts.

The sun was streaming in through the window now. It reflected off of my daughter’s blonde hair and lit all three of them up like angels. I stood back and listened to them all chattering away as they ate breakfast.

‘Do you want a sandwich to take with you Henry?’ I turned to Violet. ‘No thanks love, I should be ok’. I looked to the clock on the wall. Quarter to nine, my train left at ten. It would take me twenty five minutes to walk to the station. I knew I had to leave soon.

I went to the table and placed my cap in the middle amongst the empty plates. Four pairs of eyes looked up at me.

I knelt down beside them all. ‘Right then, who is going to give me a big cuddle before I go’?
The chairs all scraped on the floor together and instantly I was smothered by hands.

‘I don’t want you to leave daddy’. I kissed Shirley’s blonde curls. ‘I don’t want to go either lovey. But your dad needs to help stop Mr Hitler. I attempted to stand but the hands tightened around my shoulders.

‘Come on, let me get before my knees lock up’. I forced a smile. Eventually they let go and I stood up. My eyes met Violet’s. I could see the sorrow in her face.

‘I best be off Vi’.

‘Do you know when you will get leave?’

‘It probably won’t be for at least the first couple of months. I’ll be writing to you though love’

I stepped towards my beautiful wife and she fell into my arms. I held her up as she buried her head in my chest. ‘I love you, girl’. This I whispered as I closed my eyes and breathed in the smell of her long blonde hair. I could have stayed like that forever. Lost in my own little world, with my Violet. But I knew this was the perfect time to put on that brave face.

I gently moved Violet away from me and picked my cap up from the table.

‘Ronnie, be a good lad and grab my bag for me mate’. Ronnie ran into the hall and my three girls quickly followed. This left me and Violet alone in the kitchen.

‘I am begging you Henry, please don’t go’.

I put my cap on. ‘It’s too late now. I am going Vi’. I was at a loss for anything else to say. I felt like a coward for being so blunt and not saying more to her. But my mind was blank.

I walked into the hall where little Ronnie stood struggling to hold my bag. The strain showed on his face as his knees were doing their best to hold the weight.

‘That’s a good boy Ron. Strong man’, I said as I took the bag from him. Stood next to him were three little angels. All blonde hair and, blue eyes.

‘You girls make sure you help your mother round the house. You know she can’t clean it all by herself’. I gave them a wink as I said this. This was met with three big grins.

I opened the front door as Violet came into the hall.

My stomach felt as if it had been hit by a cannon ball as I stepped out into the street. I looked back as my little family crowded in the doorway.

‘I will write you a letter as soon as I get there’.
I slung the bag over my shoulder and blew a kiss back towards the house.

Shirley reached out her hand and caught it.

‘I’ll see you all soon’ I said as I started walking towards the station.

A chorus of voices shouted ‘bye daddy’ as I walked. I allowed myself one look back and gave a big wave and then carried on my way.

I was tempted to look again. But there wasn’t much point. I probably wouldn’t have seen much, as my eyes were clouded with tears.