Women Drivers

Women Drivers

Face it ladies
Born to driving?!
Are mechanics in your blood?
When you started your driving lessons
Were you apprehensive, tears fit to flood?

When you consult your
Sense of direction
And attend your driving school
At first attempt were you successful
Or did you arrive via Liverpool?

When first sitting
In your chosen "L" car
At your initial lessons start
Was he nervous, your instructor
As you checked your lippy, legs apart?

And further fiddled
With hair and make-up
Vanity mirror your main concern
Were you ready before lesson ended?
To give the ignition key a turn?

And now you're rolling
But sadly backwards
Quick response from duel controls
At last approaching your first junction
Much too close to workman's hole

Turning left now
Keeping it simple
Take her up in miles per hour
In no time at all you're doing fifty
Poor instructors face turns sour

Roundabout here
Must watch out for
Traffic arriving from the right
Let's be sure nothing is coming
Let's wait here all fucking night

At the next junction
Both ways clear now
You "better safe than sorry" say
And you're right 'cause a car's just started
Over sixteen 'effing miles away

Don't you rush me
I'm still thinking
"Oh look a dog carrying a bone"
Barely avoiding a collision
Now her mums called on the 'phone

"How you doing, love
On your first lesson"
"Oh, hi mum, I'm doing grand"
Mr Instructor how do I change gear
With this 'ere mobile in my hand.

I can't talk now, mum
I'm up the kerb mum
And I just can't find my gears
Just caught the front bit on some fencing
My instructors reduced to tears

I'll call you later
Go get your mum 'round
We'll go out later for a spin
Bring the kids and Auntie Rita
Somehow we'll fit everyone in

Sorry instructor
About the scraping
This car's a mind all of its own
Don't you expect me to reverse now
Least not until I'm off the 'phone

I can't go round corners
Not in reverse now
No-one drives at all like that
I can't see over my left shoulder
On account of my fur hat

Just set me off now
Straight and running
And I will do all of the rest
I'm enjoying driving forwards
How soon it be before I take my test

We're off again now
And I've turned left now
Can't believe you said turn right
That way's the town and all the traffic
You being playful: give me a fright?

Oh what's that lorry
That's right behind me
It's alright for her to frown and glower
You'll have to wait while I manoeuvre
Already I'm doing 12 miles an hour

One hundred lessons
That's all it took me
And then I finally passed my test
Not at the first go or the second
'Bout the eighteenth, more or less

I only drive at
Certain hours
When the rush hour is complete
I bring my mum she gives instructions
Helpful advice from the back seat

We're a team now
Two equal partners
I steer and do the brakes
Mum changes gear with a long handle
What a rare sound the gearbox makes

And when out riding
On a Sunday
My mum she picks best routes
All those behind us happy to see us
Almost everyone waves and toots

We're always gassing
Always talking
Until my mum she takes a nap
We've never yet make our choice location
When she's asleep I can't read the map

Somebody once said
No sense of direction
Now that's not fair now I say it's blind
I know all points of the compass
By bonnet forward, boot behind

And when out shopping
That's our favourite
Except when I have to park
And except when it's really busy
And except when it's getting dark

And except when
It's been raining
Or there's other cars about
Or I can't find my windscreen wipers
Or my washer bottles drought

And if expected
Make proper progress
I really like to take my time
Two hours to find the multi-story exit
Don't start laughing, it's not a crime

Reverse parking
Between two vehicles
I'm getting better every day
If I feel the space is getting tighter
I shunt one car out of the way

Confidence building
Each day that passes
A ton on the motorway
Freshen up, select some lippy
From the glove compartment tray

Outside lane now
And the 'phone rings
It's a mate with lots to say
Still 100 in the fast lane
But my mind's 100 miles away

But don't you dare to
Criticise me
You know I've passed my driving test
My instructor, really kind, now
He said he felt he'd seen my best

So if you see me
At head of traffic
When your times tight you need to ride
You'll recognize me from the number
Of men behind close to suicide

Or to murder
Or to maiming
Today that is called road rage
But I'm just out enjoying driving
Why can't male drivers act their age?

A bad driver?
Me, bad driver?
All the men they take a side
And no truth be in that fable
Otherwise I'd be disqualified

Funeral procession
Laying to rest now
We'll I'm sorry I got here first
I'm pulling out now past the big one
Is it good manners to cut up a hearse?

Watch out for me when
You least expect it
Ambulances siren's sound
I'll still be doing twelve miles an hour
In my rightful place at the road's crown

I've been tested
I hold full licence
I'm not under any ban
So my superior logic tells me
I'm as good as any man