Just My Luck

I walk towards Roba's car, and see someone in the front seat next to her.
I'm a little disappointed; I was hoping for some low-key female bonding. With company around, i will have to be all Alexandrian-Girl polite and bite my tongue.

I get in, he's on the phone, he's wearing an ironed white shirt, glasses and an I'm-Very-Clever beard. He radiates Seriousness.
And the first thing he does is make fun of my boots.

Dong.
In my head i hear the boxing match bell ring.

"I like my boots," i insist politely, and hope he picks up on the threatening undertones.

He doesn't.

"They're not boots, they're slippers, you shouldn't wear them out of the house," he snorts, "and how many sheep did you have to kill to make them?"

Roba is silent. she's paying great attention to the road, more than necessary, as her friend continues to ridicule my (current) most prized possession.

"My feet were cold," I state firmly, and the hairs on my back bristles like a cat before hissing.
"Well, you didn't have to wear a skirt then, did you?" he laughs and i decide to hate him.

If I had a choice, I'd be wearing tiny skirts all winter long. And no white-shirt stranger is going to give me fashion tips.

As a diversion, Roba pulls us into Metro supermarket, in the hope that we might get lost in the aisles, but he tags behind me as I pick out jelly babies, a Flake bar ("You're such a flake!" he hoots), and a chocolate eclair, and he makes a quip about my "healthy" appetite.

Any minute now he'll start singing "I like Big Butts and I Cannot LIE"

If I stopped to think about it, I'd realise how KinderGarten-Crush his behaviour is, all that's missing is a punch in my arm or a push off the swing to make it complete.

By this time I'm shooting murderous looks at Roba, who's hiding behind the shampoo counter, and as i pay, he asks me to marry him.

I drop the jelly babies.

The cash register guy takes one look at my face and smans.

Roba hurriedly pushes us towards the exit, into the car, and in a record-breaking four minutes, drops me off at home.

The next day he calls her up and begs her to let him see me again, because I'm so cool and so hot and he likes me so much.

I don't get it. I really don't.