Not Fine

We laugh in each other's arms, he cradles my faces in his hands, and suddenly it hits me and I see the red car driving towards me, their faces staring at me in disbelief, and then it's gone.

Like a punch to my stomach, I freeze, put my hand on his chest and pull back.
He asks me what's wrong, I stare at my feet and say "Nothing", but we both know I'm lying and I don't want to scare him, so I try to explain, saying it's no big deal, he takes me back into his arms and smoothes back my hair, kisses my lips, and it hits me again, I'm driving towards their red car, my lights flashing in their faces, I can see their faces, they stare at me in disbelief, and then it's over.

I suck in my breath, hide my hands in my head, he knows something's really wrong, tries to put his arms around me, I try to tell him what i've seen, he tries to understand, but he doesn't, he can't, how could he?
He wasn't there, but neither was I, and yet there I am in the truck, seeing the last second he was alive, seeing his look of disbelief.
"this is my biggest fear," I try to explain, "that he knew in the last seconds that he was going to die, I hope he didn't have time to think, to realise what was going to happen."

He feels awkward, he doesn't know what to say, tentatively squeezes my shoulders and says "It's over, it happened, God wanted it that way, khalass, what happened, happened."

I let him hold me, I let him hear my irregular breathing as I try to find sense in the taste of fear in my mouth. He tries to be supportive,
he says "This was his fate, it was written, there's nothing you can do, you have to move on."

I stand up, grab my coat, fumble the black buttons into their holes and I say: "That's easier for you to say, you try losing your best friend and then come talk to me about moving on."

I walk away from him, he says he won't let me go when I'm so upset, come sit down, let's talk, I want to be there for you, do you want to talk about it?

I look at him and think "You're sweet. And I really don't want to be here with you right now."

He can't understand, how could he?

It's just not fair, this afternoon I was driving home, speeding 120 on the highway, thinking how great it is that I don't think about the accident like I used to, that his face is becoming a blur, no longer tugging at my throat, I'm ok, it's over, I'm fine.

And yet here I am, getting into my car, said good night, turn the car around, turn the headlights on, drive two meters, and then I stop in the middle of the road.
It's three AM. And I just can't seem to drive.
Somehow my hands are stuck on the steering wheel, my whole body's cold, I stare ahead of me, see the red car coming towards me, and I start to cry.
I couldn't show him just how fragile I am, this is too soon for him to see, to try to heal something that is still breaking.

It took me a year to get over a boy I had a two-week fling with and yet I thought I could get over his death in four months, my best friend for the past six years, the only boy I ever loved like a brother, selflessly, adoringly.

I drive down the empty streets of Maadi, and thank God they're empty, I can't seem to drive fast enough, my whole body is cold, I play the Koran tape, and the sheikh says an aya about forgiveness and death, the afterlife, and then I let them out, the deep, uncontrollable sobs that I have kept in for so long, four months is too long, but too short to think you're ok.

The windows are shut, the streets are empty, there is no one around to hear the ugly bursts that frighten me with their intensity, the raw emotion that should have been let out so long ago, but I'm not fine, every now and then it hits me, there's nothing you can do, no comfort, no consolation, no "You have to move on" will do me any good.

I cry his name and realise how much I miss saying it out loud, I always used to shout and laugh it every time I saw him, the only one I ever loved in this selfless way.

Now I'm typing at my desk, my whole body is cold, I should be somewhere else right now, I want to get into my car and drive back to Alex again, go to her house and hold her tight, tell her I am so lucky to have her alive with me, what would I do without her?

What will I do without him?