Reading Over and Over Again

How many times can you read and re-read a letter without going insane?

24 hours later, and it's still on my screen, all i do is take a look at the title, and i break into a grin like that Cheshire cat in alice-in-wonderland.
I feel guilty, taken too many cookies out of the jar, someone might notice, but still i can't resist reading it over and over again.
the heart-flutters are gone, the flushed cheeks are calm again, but still i read and love hearing his heavy lebanese accent in the words. It's like he's right next to me, laughing.

How many times can you dissect a paragraph without feeling like an overexcited idiot?

When he writes "I love you" then follows it with a hurried "I love you all" is he saying he love loves me or does he love LOOVE me but says he love loves everyone else just so i don't think he love LOOVES me?

If only this were an old-fashioned letter, i could hold it and smell it, maybe there's a pen stain, or a thumb print, maybe there are crossed out words and absent-minded doodles to show how long and how hard he's worked to find the right words.

Maybe his hand-writing is clumsy, or clean and careful, or all over the place and off the page.

Maybe he'd use a black pen to look cool, or blue because that's what he grabbed in the rush to finish before the joy left his head and sank to his heart.

He'd probably chew on the pen, twisting it around in his teeth, thinking of me and the time we argued all the way down the mountain, wondering how he can say he loves me without causing panic?

And maybe there are spaces in the page because no words can be found to replace the smile on his face, thinking of me jumping in my seat when i open it and read his words.

Damn technology and stupid digitlised emails.
takes away all the magic and mystery.
But then again, if it were snail mail, I would have had to wait forever for a reply, not knowing if he got it, not knowing if he cared enough, at least now i know that he's got it.

the ball is in his court.
Again.
i feel like i'm in a tennis match.