Under the moonlight

We walk together out of the house, through the shadows and onto the
empty, heavily lit street.

An uncomfortable silence reigns between us.

With each footstep, my heart panics and my mind counts the minutes left
till his friends will take him away from me.

We stand in the middle of the road, the sharp orange light burning my
eyelids, creating an ache that threatens to fill my sleepy and choked
head.

He says something, I can't remember what, and I make some monotonous
answer, as we turn around and walk back into the midnight shadows of
the surrounding trees.

I walk ahead, reluctant to join the crowd again, but it seems we won't
be having any privacy tonight.

Suddenly he reaches out and his arms slip around my shoulders, pulling
me closer as we walk on.

I look up at him, the question is in my eyes. He makes some
insignificant comment, I barely mumble back.

We aren't walking towards the house anymore. Instead he's guiding me
off the path to the other side where wild, unruly weeds shiver in the
breeze.

A pool of ugly, green water has become a silver lake of ice in the
moonlight, it's such a beautiful lie.

The moonlight covers the lies with ice.

We stop and I turn to him, longing for the warmth of his body and the
dream within me.

Before I can make another insignificant comment, he leans forward
without warning and takes full control of my lips.

Surprised, shocked, I barely have time to react, and respond.

I wonder if this is a dream or if he has somehow read my deepest
thoughts.

Or was it naked in my eyes..

He kisses me, tasting with such force, such greed; I feel my energy is
being drained out of me. I respond, I lean forwards; the moonlight is
reflected in the pool behind us, as he pulls me closer.

His scent fills up my senses, in my hair, on my hands, under my
skin.

With a sudden aggressiveness, his arms tighten around me, pulling me
closer so that our bodies are sealed to each other, air tight.

Suddenly the bubble of lust bursts and a shiver brings me back to
reality.

I pull back, vulnerable and very scared. What was a game of lust has
gone too far, and I realise he is like the moonlight : he has my heart
in his hands of ice, and he's holding on too tight.

I don't want to play anymore. I want him to stop before he hurts me
more.

He senses my reluctance, and his lips become gentler, kissing mine
lightly, slowly, again and again. His hands slip down my arms and
entwine with my fingers at my side. A promise?

Our friends' voices are in the background, a million miles away. We
seem to be flying with the moon away from them..

Despite my reluctance, despite my fear, I let his lips trace a pattern
on my throat, coaxing me back into this sweet taste of hell.

Suddenly, a very familiar tune is playing in the background, a tune
that jolts me awake and sinks my heart into my stomach.

I pull back and hide my head in my hands.

"Oh God", I whisper.

"What? What is it?" his voice full of concern, his hand reaches out for
me.

I realise it's the first gesture of genuine tenderness he has shown me
all night long.

"They're playing our song." I confess, and he laughs in relief.
"Well, that's not bad, is it?"
"It makes me feel weird", I admit, but choose not to mention the
memories that rush back with the melody, like a flood of silver.

A river of moonlight

Memories of others holding me, luring me, faking security and melting
promises, breaking my heart with foolish games.

Why of all songs, and of all times, this one? What is the moon trying
to tell me?

Where will I be next time I hear this song?

Where will he be?

The words of the song escape my lips, and I sing softly in his arms,
his hands still soothing my skin, his lips still playing with my
throat, making it hard to sing, very hard to concentrate.

It's too soon to know his feelings, although I'm pretty sure of my
own.

I know at that moment, that this song will always remind me of him.
Not the others before him, for now their faces are melting with the
midnight breeze that plays with the nape of my neck.

The words will bring back the touch of his fingers on my waist and the
smell of his skin in my hair.

The music will bring back the taste of his lips, and the unreadable
look I'd caught in his eyes.

Time is slipping away, I hear his friends calling his name.

We kiss with a sudden urgency. I'm wondering why he can't stay longer,
when this will happen again.

If it will happen again..

He pulls back and says, " I have to go."
I nod silently, and let him lead the way back to the path, and suddenly
the warmth of his body is no longer there, it makes me shiver.

I miss him already, even though he's still in front of me.

As if reading my thoughts, he reaches out and takes my hand in his,
clumsily holding my wrist, avoiding contact with my fingers, avoiding
sentimentality and affection.

We walk back into the garden, he loosens his grip on me, I slip away
towards my friends, and we act like two strangers.

A friend stops him and they talk. I panic and wonder if he he's going
to tell.

I walk back to my group of friends and take my place next to my
boyfriend, who slips his arm around my shoulders and asks me where I
have been.

" We took a walk", I try to sound casual,
" we needed to.. talk about some things.."

"Is everything okay?"
My boyfriend's eyes are searching mine naively, and a sharp flame of
guilt burns my stomach.

He has no idea, I realise, and he hasn't even sensed my withdrawal
from him these past few months.

"Everything.. is fine", I struggle with the words and try as I may, I
can't help my head from turning round and searching for the other
boy.

Everything's fine when he's around..

He's standing a few feet away, holding a glass and laughing at
someone's comment. His arm is loosely wrapped around a pretty girl with
pale blond hair.

Just looking at him makes me sick with lust and jealousy.

Those arms were mine a few minutes ago, that smile was for me
only.

I act interested in my friends' monotonous conversation. It's amazing
how one can take part in it, by nodding and humming in the right
places.

I look up and he's shaking their hands goodbye.

Suddenly he's in front of me, and I see him in the weak lamplight, his
eyes so different, clear and fake, he's hiding his emotions.

He reaches out his hand to shake mine and I stare at him in
disbelief.

After all that, you want to shake my hand??

"OK then", he mutters, leans forward and gives me a peck on the cheek I
wouldn't even waste on my grandmother.

That's it?

His eyes are nervous, flickering back and forth, watching the people
around us, tense and worried about their assumptions. What are they
thinking, he's wondering, have they figured us out?

He turns back to me, and our eyes meet for a split second.

His own are.. empty. No smile, no fire,

no moonlight.

His lips form no promises of calls, meetings, nothing.

He just looks at me, and then walks away.

I stand there in the middle of a crowd of gushing people, rushing
voices, my feet off the ground, my head still in the clouds.

I can still feel his warmth on my skin. My lips feel gently bruised
and chewed on.

I should be happy. I got what I wanted.

All night long I was dreaming of his kiss, wanting, waiting,
deliberating.

And to my surprise, I got more than I'd expected.

But why do I have such a hollow feeling inside me?

Like a hammer had cracked a hole in my heart , and the pain is leaking
out..

The way he kissed me so gently, the way he reached out when I'd pulled
back, the way his hands fit into mine and sealed perfectly like a
puzzle..

I'm just a girl. I'm not asking for a lot.
Just for you to love me, that's all.

Love?
No, I love my boyfriend.

No, I don't love my boyfriend.

No, not love.

Was that just a game for him? Because it was serious for me.

How could he forget me, when all I can do is remember tonight over and
over again?

Does he think I'm a slut?
Oh God, please no. Anything but that.

Please not.

I don't want to be a one-night stand.