You Say All The Wrong Things

The electricity cuts every time you kiss me.
I swear.
Three nights in a row, you reach out for me, and lightsgooutjustlikethat.
As if the friction between us is too strong to bear.
I laugh in the dark as you stumble towards me, you slip on the rug, we collapse into a bundle of hands and blankets and unspoken hope.

Two minutes later, the lights are back on, I'm hiding my head in my hands and crying because you called me a beautiful memory.
You don't understand, you don't know it hurts to be told that someday I will be nothing more to you than a part of your past.
What we have now is so alive, it doesn't make sense that one day it could be over and gone, nothing more than a sentimental recollection you enjoy without me.

You apologise, bury your face in my shirt. You say you're an idiot, and yes you are, because here I am right in front of you, and all I want is the age-old guarantee that we will be together for as long as we breathe, but you can't.

It's strange how we go from extreme joy to misery so swiftly, these turbulent moments make me realise just how fragile we both are.

(We went grocery shopping, you helped me carry the bags into my flat, said you felt like we were a married couple. I smiled because I like us in this domesticated, simple way, and i'm just about to tell you I enjoy this when you say:
"I don't like this part of the marriage, the mundane things, I prefer the going out and having fun."
I look at you, and realise we're not on the same page.)

You ask me what I want in life.
I stare at you, and for the first time in ages, I am sure, I know exactly what I want, and it's you.

But I can't say it.

Because you start talking about being torn, not knowing whether to stay in the country or move abroad, and before i can say anything you tell me it has nothing to do with me, meeting me hasn't influenced your decision.
"Even if I hadn't met you, I'd still feel torn"
and that isn't exactly the most romantic declaration I want to hear.
Instead, you make me feel small and insignificant, while here I am, knowing more than anything that you are meant for me.