Jimmy's Riddle (1)

Out of the corner of my eye I saw it¦¦
The clapped out blue Nissan Micra sputtered, lurched and backfired as it pulled into my driveway, announcing it's arrival like an overbearing relative.
Which in the circumstances was almost poetically apt, because this rude interruption to an otherwise perfectly quiet and relaxing Sunday was an ill omen indeed.
And I knew at once that it meant only one thing, something I had filed away in my brain and had been denying to myself for almost 10 years.

Cousin Jimmy!

I had neither seen nor heard from him in all these years¦. I hadn't visited him once, nor even spoken to him on the phone¦. and yet cousin Jimmy had been released and had come straight round to mine.
To say I was less than thrilled at this prospect would be an enormous understatment, mortified would be more appropriate.
The car now sitting 3ft from my front door was the same heap of shit that we had been sitting in all those years ago when we had both been arrested.
I was almost as stunned to see that this Godawful car still moved as I was to see it spew up it's contents.
Out climbed it's occupant.... a little older, uglier & wider but unmistakably Jimmy.
I toyed for a moment about making a dive for the remote control to switch off the telly and crawl commando style behind the sofa.
Such is the effect that he has on me¦ that's not to say that Jimmy was a bad guy¦ he wasn't.
But he always had the uncanny knack of being able to find a fight in a convent.
I was never really sure how or why he attracted trouble, but it was as though he were a flame to every violent moth in the country.
To be fair to the guy he had almost never started it¦.
Maybe he just had a face that got on peoples nerves.

What ever the reasons this was the case, and had been for as far back as I could remember.
While I have never hated Jimmy¦. It must be said that I kind of feared him¦. well no¦. more like I feared the situations that being with him got me into.
Over the years on days or nights out with him, I had been stabbed twice, shot at once, had bottles broken over my head at least five times and been in countless brawls.

And now here he was large as life and twice as ugly and about to ring my doorbell.
I sighed a sigh of resignation, pinched the bridge of my nose as though trying to soothe the headache to come, and then visibly flinched at the ringing bell.

I opened the front door and he burst through it.
In that instant I honestly thought he was going to kill me, I glanced at his hands, looking for a gun or a knife if the truth be told.
But another instant later I was locked into an enormous bear hug that felt like it was going to make my ribcage implode.

I slapped his back and wheezed a welcome at the top of his head, which he must have heard as he dropped me, and beamed a huge smile at me and slapped my shoulders and exclaimed "Bet you weren't expecting me eh?.
"You're damn right I didn't expect you! I replied, regaining my breath.
"When did you get out? I asked.
Jimmy glanced at the hallway clock and replied "ooh about two hours ago.
I raised my eyebrows and asked "So have you caught up with Claire yet?.
"She ain't in¦. and my key won't fit the lock, she must have had to change them, probably lost her keys, always was a bit absent minded was my Claire.
I knew the truth but at that precise moment I didn't have the heart to tell him that she had sold the place from under him almost three months ago.
He had signed everything over to her years ago to avoid having anything taken by the authorities if he were ever nicked, they would have seen everything he owned as being the proceeds of his crimes.
And apart from sparing his feelings I was sparing my house from the hurricaine that he would become when he heard this news.

"So where has your car been since you went away? I asked.

"In my Mums garage, well it's not like she ever used it, the only other things in there are my old bike, a Brass bed stead and a lawnmower¦ although she never got round to having a lawn laid¦ paved still¦. back and front.

"How do you know¦ have you actually been round to visit her yet? I asked, knowing the answer already but looking for a reason to get him out of my house and heading away from it.

"I crept round to the garage¦ got my car and left in a hurry¦. Well you know she doesn't approve of me or the way I turned out.

He began to mimmick her (quite closely) "If your Father were here now yadda yadda yadda¦. I never raised my children to blahbedy blahbedy blah¦. turning in his grave¦. always knew you would never amount to anything.

I laughed at his impersonation more than the content of it, it was pretty accurate.

Thinking as much about saving my décor as I was about saving my skin I decided that there was only one thing for it.

"Do you fancy a pint? I asked¦ knowing and dreading the answer.

"FANCY A PINT!!!!! FANCY A PINT!!!!!, he roared.

"I have nine years and two months worth of thirst that needs quenching my old son¦. I think that I might feel a little more than a fancy for a pint!

And so it began¦