The Fens are not your friend

The fens are not your friend
They are not there to bend
Themselves to your will
But would rather wait until
You turn around, and then the monsters appear
Gobble you up till you disappear
And they have no sympathy that they can lend
Because the Fens are really not your friend

The fens are not your buddy
They’re a brooding place, cold muddy
And altogether untamed
Sticking it to the man since the Romans came
With water that floods the barren heath
Creating lairs for whatever lies beneath
And a history that is both dark and bloody
The fens are really not your buddy

The fens are not your chum
They will not share their chewing gum
Or be there for you when the rain starts to pour
They’ve seen your type out here before
Wearing clothes and fragrances fruity and compelling
The fens in contrast are most repelling
In places smelling worse than your brother’s bum
That’s because the fens are really not your chum

The fens are not your Mate
They have an unreasonable hate
For modern technology
Your sat navs and mobiles don’t fit their mythology
Many a child with the crazy frog ringtone
Has wound up here later, flesh eaten to the bone
So please, when you come here, set it to vibrate
Because the fens are really not your mate

The Fens are not your pal
They will not call you Betty when you call them Al
They wouldn’t approve of your nice new fella
Or let you stand under their umbrella ella ella ella
The fens would never tuck you into bed
They’d rather sneak a bug eyed creature in there instead
That’d slither inside your spinal canal
Because the fens are really not your pal

The fens are not your friend
They will not spend evenings listening to your boring day at work
Nodding and saying that your boss is a jerk
They’re an untamed beast that doesn’t understand
The human need for the world to be ordered and planned
They’d expect you to impale your boss instead
So please listen carefully to the words I have said
I do not mean to upset or offend
But the Fens my friend are not your friend