Lord Atichoo-Atichoo

New homelessness czar, Lord Atichoo-Atichoo of Wealfell Down, and his ambitious plans to sweep away the problem facing Britain’s street-people are now well underway.
Forced to react after urgent calls for action were lodged by MPs and distinguished foreign ambassadors after trips to restaurants were marred, the new Tory government set about the crippling task of finding a solution to the problem of homelessness by appointing Lord Atichoo-Atichoo, the mastermind behind Humpty Dumpty Day, a public holiday to celebrate the achievements of cats’ eyes and zebra-crossings.
One ambassador, Baron Bashderatz, spoke out against the homeless.
‘The beggars are everywhere. You don’t see them during the day but they’re spreading like the plague,’ he remarked, after having to tread over no less than five live street-people after dining at one of London’s top eateries. ‘I just can’t entertain guests any more. And it leaves such a bad taste in the mouth after such an enjoyable evening.
George Orwell wrote in his novel ‘Down and Out in Paris and London’, that London is ‘‘the land of the tea-urn and the Labour Exchange, as Paris is the land of the bistro and the sweatshop’’. With all these layabouts on the streets, it seems that nothing has changed in those hundred years.’
He escaped unharmed after fleeing the scene in his limousine.
The government, reeling from the prospect of MPs and ambassadors boycotting fine-dining experiences across the city, described the move as ‘of national importance’.
Just prior to the announcement of Lord Atichoo-Atichoo’s appointment, the public had balked when it was revealed in the Daily Blackmail that, were all the homelessness agencies to close down tomorrow and their budgets passed on to the homeless, the problem of homelessness could be solved forever.
Considering this view, Lord Atichoo-Atichoo described the author of the article as confused and misled.
‘It’s all very well talking about logical transparency, but keeping unemployment figures down is crucial for inward investment. Besides the loss of VAT, income tax, business rates and the office rentals paid back to the state, the cost of providing benefits to those made redundant would be the same as if the blighters worked.’
He went on. ‘A recent survey suggests that the well-off and the middle-classes take great comfort from knowing there are countless homeless men and women scattered across the country. In fact, homelessness provides a very real opportunity for good people to give charitably, which in turn offers a sense of gratitude for one’s own place in society. Anyhow, if we housed the poor mites, property prices would tumble.’
The survey also suggested that an increasing number of the underclass (formerly known as ‘the working class’) enjoyed staring in wonderment at the homeless, while a small minority expressed a desire to ‘beat them to death when there’s no cameras about’. The police refused to comment.
After much protesting from human rights’ groups, Lord Atichoo-Atichoo’s controversial new plans were passed in parliament on the same day that the BBC announced that it would be sending a crack-team of 450 staff-members to produce a challenging six-week documentary on the opening of a 450-roomed six-star hotel in Mauritius.
‘The aim is simple,’ revealed Lord Atichoo-Atichoo, stifling a trademark sneeze. ‘The homeless need help and that is precisely what they’re going to get.
Our plan is for them to reside in public houses that have been closed as a result of the depression (delete) recession (delete) credit crunch (delete) global financial crisis.’
On a first-come, first-served basis, homeless men will sign up to a shorthold floor-space agreement with the brewery which will then preclude any further involvement from the government.
Homeless men will be provided with toilet-water, White Star, undistilled vodka, plastified rolling tobacco, beer-mats and tea towels (for purposes of bedding), Sky TV and coinless fruit-machines, and each man will be allocated sufficient bar-room floor-space, believed to be in excess of one metre squared.
In return for lodgings and the above home comforts, the homeless men will be required to fully renovate the public house to its former glory at their own expense.
Although no fruit and vegetables will be provided and the kitchen will remain closed, Lord Gollygosh of Wotflippin Fields has kindly agreed to donate unmarked cardboard boxes for the men to beg from at the main entrance of the public houses to pay for building materials, with Homeabuse offering a 0.0001% discount on bulk orders of damaged decorating stock.
As part of the initiative, Lady Walkies of Hereshep has agreed, in principle, to donate as many crisps as is humanly possible to eat without tracing cases of heart failure, on the proviso that Sir Gareth Linemaker joins her for tea and cake every other Tuesday at her pile in Yermouth.
As a gesture of goodwill, Rampant Moredick will include UK Gold and Sky Sports Extra in his televisual entertainment package, while heating and electricity will be subsidised by an increase in council tax for single-occupancy residents of the YMCA. Ibuprofen will be flown in by American pharmaceutical magnates, so long as no autopsies are undertaken of those that sadly pass away.
As for those unfortunates of the fairer sex who have found themselves without lodgings (all female applicants must be dependent on alcohol and/or drugs and aged between 13 and 17), the living quarters of the designated public houses will be offered to provide a safe place in which to perform all-body massages to whomsoever darkens their door.
A peppercorn rent of £55,019.92 per calendar month will be payable to the state by each of the fine specimens. This levy will go towards the costs of pens and paper in the House of Lords.
When human rights activists learnt of this levy, describing it as ‘barbaric bedlam’, they rallied to the cause but quietened when it was revealed to the angry crowd that properly housing the homeless would cause a full percent increase to be added to mortgage repayments.
Lord Atichoo-Atichoo, keen to quash despondency from the general public, supports the Tories’ plans to close down all treatment centres for alcoholism and chemical dependence.
‘These people need a jolly good kick up the backside. The buildings should be modernised by the long-term unemployed and redecorated by post-graduates on a voluntary basis.’
Possible alternative uses are yet to be decided, but it is thought that they will shared by PPOs (prolific persistent offenders) and paedophiles.
‘It may all sound a bit wishy-washy,’ said Lord Atichoo-Atichoo of the daring new proposals when I interviewed him outside his private helicopter on the roof of the Savoy as he braved the elements to avoid street-people after another arduous late luncheon, ‘but the current economic climate depends on belt-tightening. We must be honest with ourselves.’ Belching loudly, he added, ‘Have you smelt one recently? They really do pong.’
Since writing this article, one of the designated public houses has burnt down. The Fire Brigade were advised not to enter the building on grounds of health and safety. All the men and women locked inside died peacefully of smoke-inhalation. Friends and relatives of the deceased have not been informed.
The site has been purchased by foreign investment brokers, Euronly Broken (Britain), and planning consent has been approved to build a ten-storey apartment block for bank-workers.
Of the other two public houses already in operation, a total of sixteen homeless men have died. Cause of death was said to be ‘irreverence’.
A further fourteen have gone blind, which excludes them from the initiative as they can no longer honour their agreement to renovate the premises, and have sadly been returned to the streets with White Star coupons.
Lord Atichoo-Atichoo praised the courage of the homeless.
‘The fact is, the plans that I have put in place are working. There are far less homeless people on the streets and restaurants have already seen a sharp upturn in takings. As for the homeless women, they seemed happy enough when I visited’, he chuckled.