A poem, by Deadend Jobsworth, MP

My dear friend, Deadend Jobsworth of Gluttonbury, MP for Numberwang, has penned a poem in memory of Rudyard Kipling’s ‘If’.

I, Lady Incredulity of Botox, have decided to feature Deadend’s work in my weekly column for ‘Bliss’ magazine.

At times sad, at times funny, Mr Jobsworth confesses that he’d be damned if he knew which circle of Hell he raided to explore and inspire this work.

Mr Jobsworth has asked to make it quite clear that he wrote this wondrous piece while conducting comparative tests on psychotropic drugs, and wishes to convey that everything that is written is a contradiction to and therefore goes completely against any of his true beliefs. He is, as he so earnestly puts it, ‘just an artist at pains to accept that my flawless genius is sadly without compare’.
You may recall the awful story of how Deadend was the victim of a cruel attack at Waitrose some months ago, spraining his right ankle whilst waiting patiently in a queue. Numberwang’s tireless MP is still in the process of suing the perpetrator of the crime, an elderly lady of low repute, whose trolley caused the needless accident.
With Mr Jobsworth seeking full remuneration for his understandably valuable time and the dreadful loss of earnings, his brave firm of lawyers has been drafted in to shoulder the load while he recuperates at home in the Maldives.
Currently working on his latest autobiography, ‘You Know You Want It! Now Get Down There!’ Deadend, affectionately known to police and his followers as ‘the best lay in town’, will remain at home until his tax burden is cleared in November, at which time he will be available for his constituents’ guidance, support and advice at his surgery, to be held in the third cubicle of Numberwang Public Lavatory between 10am and 10.15am every Sunday morning.

Lady Incredulity.

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‘If’

If every country on the planet is weighed down with debt, who’s got all the money?
If someone’s got it stashed away somewhere, how can we get it back?
If you don’t eat your meat, how can you have your pudding?
(How can you have your pudding if you don’t eat your meat?)
If DangerMouse didn’t die in the final episode, what the devil happened to him?
If Beckham hadn’t kicked Simeone, would England have won the cup?
If he’d noticed that the lights had changed, would he have blown his mind out in a car?
If everyone stopped breathing for thirty seconds, would the world be any better off?
If oil’s ten quid a barrel, why’s it a quid a litre at the pumps?
If I’d never started smoking, would my life have been any different?
If we’re all fucked anyway, why do I bother worrying?
If you’ve got to have a dream and don’t have it, how are you going to make a dream come true?
If you don’t talk happy, will you ever have a dream come true?
If you’ve got to believe that you’ve got the time, why do you have to make your mind up?
If you don’t know me by now, will you ever, ever, ever know me?
If the grass is greener on the other side, why don’t we think differently?
If only I could, would I make the world a better place?
If you get a lethal batch of smack, how would you know?
If the distance between a and b is equal to the distance between a and c, will it always make a triangle?
If the youngsters involved had been wearing a seatbelt, how much greater would their chances of survival have been?
If football’s an even playing field, why’s Fifa a Swiss-based charity?
If it hadn’t been John Lennon, would his killer have found another star to shoot?
If what goes around comes around, why do we have to bother walking to the shops?
If I urge the nation to believe me, why do I get the distinct feeling they know I’m lying?
If a Gu chocolate pot was fifty grams last month, why’s it now only forty-five grams?
If you can’t afford a passport, how can you leave the country?
If someone said jump, would you fall?
If Palestine is starved and forgotten, what will be our penance for letting it happen?
If we all blow hard enough, will we float away from the sun’s scorching fire?
If I don’t pay that bill, will I get a charge and how much will it be?
If two negatives equal a positive, why’s the decifit growing at twenty times the rate of inflation?
If we’re so happy in our everyday lives, why is it that over half of adults are clinically depressive?
If you stop worrying about something, does the problem go away?
If the problem persists, what do you do to stop it?
If you seek help, does that mean you’ll be alright?
If you’re not alright, how do you cope?
If you can’t cope, is there anyone that can help you?
If there’s no one to help, what can be done?
If nothing can be done, what can you do?
If you don’t know what to do, how can you make a decision?
If you can’t make a decision, how can you cook your own meals?
If you can’t cook your own meals, who’s going to feed you?
If there’s no one to feed you, how can you stay alive?
If you can’t stay alive, does that necessarily mean you’re dead?

God, these drugs are good.

D.S.S.Jobsworth, MP, at home with the dogs.
Maldives, June 21st 2010.