Tommy

Hey you.

Hey god. It’s Tommy, and I think we need to have a conversation.

Today someone asked me if I got a chance to talk to you, what I would say. I had some retort such as, every time I try to call you I get your answering machine saying: “Hello, you’ve reached heaven, God’s not in right now, I’m out laughing at the insanity I’ve created. Please leave a message at the beep.” BEEP.

So, I am leaving a message this time.

I have a million things on my mind – some questions, some statements. All I know is, in reality, I honestly don’t know anything – so here we go. I hope you’re listening – I’ve never heard your voice, but I presume when I do I will be being preserved rather than persisting anymore.

After thinking this afternoon about what I wanted to say to you, I figured I’d better not prepare anything and just shoot from the hip. I am flipping my revolvers out of my holster and shooting for a change. Figuratively, of course, not literally. I can’t forget Yau-Man’s saying, from Survivor if you can believe it, (thanks for creating Mark Burnett by the way) that has forever stuck in my heart – “Love many, trust few, harm none” is basically the gist.

So, six-shooters in hands, I’ve got some questions and some bones to pick. Skeletons are everywhere – even walking around me now – bones without brains – I guess that’s what we get when natural selection has been thrown out of the window because of medicine and technology.

Speaking of getting older – I’d like to know, why on New Year’s day this year, you gave me the distinct feeling that my days are numbered – thirteen years it seems if I can still count right. Forty-seven minus thirty-four, yeah, it’s thirteen. Was it because you wanted me to realize I am not immortal – something I already know in my heart, but my brain doesn’t always understand. Maybe that’s because I am immortal, but just not in this physical body. I sure hope so – because it seems such a waste to fill this place with humans and free-will, regardless of the consequences free-will creates, and just have our physical beings live for such a relatively short time in the grand scheme of things.

I guess you’d know, but I’m not getting any hints here.

Maybe you had me think that because my days are numbered? Hell, all of our days are numbered – and am I going to Hell? Ah, that I’m sure you won’t tell – but I figured I’d ask. Was it because you wanted me to realize I need to get motivated – even though I am more motivated than most people – working every day and still trying to write or paint or find a way to live creatively rather than in the rat race. Most humans are satisfied being rats chasing cheese. I guess I’m not.

But I do thank you for making cheese – that shit is good. Sorry about the swearing – certain expletives fit in certain places – there’s no choice in the matter. See what you get for giving me free-will – ha.

About this free-will stuff. It is a great idea, but couldn’t you have given our species more morality then? It’s tough to walk a straight line – man, oh man, have you shown me those paths – and of course, I chose ‘em. I guess I had to learn and am still learning – but when I am done learning do I get to walk off this rock?

Yeah, I know, I’ll never be done learning – so, do I get reincarnated? Can I be a bird? Flying would be nice – the ability to get up off the rock for a while under my own personal power – it would be nice to soar through the sky holding onto the breeze. Oh, by the way – if I can have my druthers, I’d rather be a hawk (red-tailed if possible) or a bald eagle. The way they soar and glide on the waves of the wind – totally amazing.

Different topic now, and I am gonna spin the barrel as I ask this. How come you’ve let me be alone all of these years? Well, you know what I mean. I’m not alone in the fact that my family loves me and are wonderful people. I’ve never really been “alone” for expansive periods of time except for the last five years I’d say. I know. I know. Three of those years were by my own choice – well, I said they were by my own choice, and I’m sure if I went looking someone would have come a calling.

I guess, more so, my question is – spinning the barrel in the other hand – why, when I am looking for something it’s not there? Is it a joke to you? Am I being punished? And the one I thought was the one – did you have to make her so beautiful both inside and out, give me such a connection that I could see into her soul, and make her so damn crazy? So smart, but so crazy? Was I supposed to learn something? Cuz, I’m telling you – the ones I’ve found seem to turn a bit crazier. You’re giving me the impression, and I mentioned it to my father the other day – “They’re all crazy. It’s as simple as that!” And I believe it, wholeheartedly for a change.

Is that my problem – that I believe that nowadays? Or am I the crazy one? I might be crazy for my ideas at times, but I don’t think I am honestly crazy. I know you remember the poem I wrote years ago – because I still do, and what I know you also know. “Two Paths Merge as One”. When does my path veer and merge into another’s? Where is that woman who you show me in my dreams? I know you know I know her from somewhere. When was that time? Where is she now? I can’t forget it, and it’s engraved into my memory more than any dream you have ever made me dream. That face – so beautiful, so innocent, so sexy, so simple. I guess this being alone wouldn’t be so bad had you not shown me that – shown me her – shown me that I’ve known her before, some other time, some other realm – and this isn’t the first time you’ve put her in my dreams. Where is my twin flame?

I gotta change the topic – I’m going to cry – I could use a good cry, but not tonight. It’s been a while since I last cried – maybe I should keep going just to feel the wet in my eyes. No, not tonight – I’ve still got questions.

Next – I’d like to know why you have given me the ability to get anxious for no reason. I’d like to know why you put me in the hospital that one time – making me feel like I was having a heart attack and having the emergency room doctor ask me why I was there. The nerve of that bastard acting like nothing was wrong with me and I was there for a different reason other than my anxiety - just because I had long hair and a goatee. Again, the expletive fits. Thinking I was there just to get drugs or something. The streets are the easiest place to get ‘em – I’m sure he knows that, but he probably just steals it from the hospital pharmacy cabinets. And now, why do you cause me to feel a different anxiety point – the point used to be in the middle of my back left shoulder. Now you’ve put it in the front under my left breast. You make no sense. I’m hoping this is anxiety again – cuz if it’s not, and I croak – I’m gonna be pissed since you said I had thirteen more years.

I’m a relatively peaceful, laid back man. How come I still have OCD and this nagging anxiety? Why do I write so many lists hoping to check something off – and then causing myself anxiety when not enough of them get crossed off? How come you make me feel like I am fine one moment and then the next it’s as if my brain is misfiring taking me in-between the lapses of time as everything slows down?

See here’s where I begin to slow down. Listening to my iPod. Jack Kerouac recites some poems with Steve Allen on the piano accompanying him. I really do want to thank you for Jack Kerouac. He died close to here – but you know that. He died before me – am I him? Is that why I am drawn to such a person – such a lifestyle? Because anyone who knows Kerouac knows he was a rambunctious man with a fire in his heart on a quest to alter his mind and everyone else’s along the way.

A little Jack will do ya good:

“I go to the whale bar of all the wild bars of the world. The one and only Third and Howard. And there I go in and drink with the mad-men. And If I get drunk I get.” The girl come up to me in there one night – I was there with Al Buckles, she says to me – “You wanna play with me tonight, Jim?” And I didn’t think I – I didn’t think I had enough money. And I told this to Charlie Low, and he laughed and said. “How do you know she wanted money? Always take the chance that she might be out just for love – just out for love, you know what I mean? Don’t be a sucker.” She was a good looking doll. And she said, “How would you like to ooh your cool with me man?” And I stood there like a jerk. In fact – bought drink and got drink drunk that night in a $2.99 club. I was hit by the proprietor. The band breaking up the fight before I had a chance to decide to hit him back - which I didn’t want to do anyway. And out on the street, I tried to rush back in, but they had locked the door and were looking at me through the forbidden glass in the door with faces like undersea. I shoulda played with her shoo-doo-doo-doo-doo-da-dookie.”

Thank you Kerouac.

I am Kerouac’s son in some way, shape or form. Maybe I was born in the wrong generation – or maybe I was in Jack’s generation and just don’t know it. Or maybe I am just rambling asking god things he isn’t going to answer anyway – never showing me the path to the answers either. It’s a learning process, I know. But I’ve had the same questions for so long without any answers. Why’s that?

I know when I’m talking to ya, I keep asking why do you and why do you let me – yet, I know it’s all my own choice. However, what one wants and what one gets isn’t always the same. The adage – “God only gives you what you can handle,” and the recitation that goes on every morning in many different places – “Please show me those things which I can change, and give me the ability to see those which I cannot.”

I guess I can change myself – that’s the easiest place to start. I’m trying, don’t get me wrong. And in essence, everything is changing all of the time. It all just looks the same from the routines we are in. From the linear train of time that we ride every day – repeating ourselves. Repeating our actions.

Love is harder to embody than hate. Right is harder to live than wrong. Ignorance is easier to bear than knowledge. Especially the knowledge, that in reality, we are nothing more than a speck of dust on the cosmic scale.

I really haven’t asked for much other than some knowledge I’ll probably find out sooner than later in the long run. But can I ask you for one thing? Can I ask you for peace? Peace for everyone – this isn’t a selfish request. I know without up there can’t be down, without left there can’t be right, without war there can’t be peace. But, for a change, can you show us all a way to work together to look beyond our little planet that one day will be dead when the sun burns out anyway? Can you show us, my one true request?

I understand if not – it is a tall request. If not, will you finally show me the leprechaun at the end of the rainbow, as he sits on the pot of gold and starts throwing the coins at me to get away? That’d be an adventure.

Oh, and I want to thank you for giving me this chance. I might complain – which I’m trying not to, and instead I am more trying to find answers to these questions I’ve occupied your time with for the past thirty minutes or so. Thank you for letting me exist regardless of what my free-will and circumstance bring me. This path is my own – I am walking it – but can you do Tommy a favor? Can you help me remember none of this matters in the long run anyway? Can you help me remember that every day is a gift? Can you help me remember I have just the same right to be here as everyone else? Can you help me to remember I am merely a human being in a physical form? And, when this physical form is fading away old and grey, can you just help me remember?

Thanks,

Tommy