Mouth Rape and Alien Fashion Choices 1

Mouth Rape and Alien Fashion Choices

 

 

I was in a Didi (One of several versions of Chinese Uber) on my way to the dentist. I absolutely hate getting mouth-raped at the dentist. I had an appointment at 9:30 am. I was attempting to get my mind off of the fact that I needed to get a tooth pulled in China, where I would not be allowed any morphine-based drugs in which to help me recover after having a piece of my body ruthlessly ripped from the bone it was encased in. I decided to look at my WeChat (a mobile social media most commonly used on phones in China as the government has disallowed other forms of social media, such as Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, which is fine on one level as I am not fond of most social media, but is it fair? Is it fair to ban technology just to have it emulated by Chinese companies, to make more money, all under the pretense that the government is doing it to look out for its citizens, when it is mostly to just steal the technology and remove competition?) and discovered that someone posted something in a group that hadn’t posted in a long time.

 

The person basically put a meme into the group; it asked how an alien would wear a hat, and the hat in question was a baseball cap. The drawing had nine different possible scenarios for the hat-wearing creature with nine separate illustrations. The alien in question was what I have heard referred to as the “Xenomorph,” from the original Alien film, its sequels, and spin-offs such as Prometheus and the AVP films. If you have seen or are familiar with the creature, it has a severely elongated head, complete with a small set of jaws that protrude from its bigger mouth and can cause some damage to anyone unaware that the thing has extra teeth, instead of a tongue, that can jut out quickly, and without warning, from its mouth. The meme was meant to be humorous, with different pictures of different ways the hat could be worn, ie, the front of the skull, the back of the skull, three separate hats, a hat on the tiny extra protruding mouth, etc.

 

Now...I can say some weird shit on occasion. And this was one of those occasions. I am able to get myself thrown out of social media groups for being inappropriate, or downright mean, sometimes it is my intention to get myself forcibly removed from a group, but that wasn’t my intention for this group. My intention was, as I repeatedly sent messages to the group, to evoke humor and keep my mind off the impending doom that was getting a tooth pulled. My first foray in an attempt to answer the question, was as follows:

 

I don’t think the xenomorph is

intelligent enough to understand

the ramifications of repeated or

constant exposure to sunlight.

The only time I recall seeing one

in direct sunlight was in Alien

Covenant and it really wasn’t

exposed for very long. I’m more

concerned with how they spend

their free time when not

murdering people or capturing

them for the queen to

impregnate. It seems, based on

what I remember from Aliens,

that they just go dormant and

remain still. That makes sense to

conserve energy, but we have

never really been shown where

they get their energy. They kill

people, but do they eat them? All

this leads me to the conclusion

that the answer is #4.

 

Now, I sent multiple messages, but there was only one response, and it came after the first message:

 

Jeeze this group’s still alive!

Hahaha

 

That was it, for the rest of my day posting in there, that was the only response. I am assuming the “Hahaha,” was about my post, but I can’t be sure about that. Perhaps the person thought it was funny that the group was still around.

 

While in the car, and still on the way to the dentist, I did send one more message off:

 

Oops, something I didn’t think of:

I was only thinking of practical

applications and not aesthetics.

Traditionally the baseball cap was

worn by baseball fans to promote

their favorite teams. However, it

evolved to promote other things.

Outside of sports, and we all

know aliens hate sports,

especially baseball, the largest

market for the hat is rock

memorabilia. Other types of

music fans tend to not wear

clothing reflecting their musical

preferences. Most aliens don’t

listen to Motorhead or AC/DC, but

instead prefer Justin Bieber. You

know, not very intelligent

creatures. So, when taking that

into consideration the obvious

answer is # 3.

 

As stated previously, no one wrote anything after that. Hindsight tells me that it is possible that I offended a Justin Bieber fan. I don’t know the musical preferences of everyone in the group. However, I have to think that at least two or three of them (there are fifteen people in the group) can appreciate my remarks in the post, but if they did, they didn’t tell me about it at all.

 

Well, we arrived at the dental facility and it was going to be a long day, but I didn’t know it at the time. I was with my girlfriend, who was also going to get a tooth pulled. She is Chinese and I don’t speak Chinese, so I would have had to drag someone along anyway to help out with the process. It was convenient that we both needed work done.

 

I like to compare Chinese medical facilities to factories that make use of an assembly line, but not any factory, a highly inefficient factory that hasn’t quite figured out what an assembly line is supposed to be like. Instead of dealing with three people that I might have dealt with in the United States: a receptionist, a dental hygienist, and a dentist, I dealt with many. First you pay for your visit at one station, then go to the second floor and deal with a main receptionist, then you go to the inner sanctum of one section and deal with another receptionist for that area, then you deal with that dentist, then you go back downstairs and pay the receptionist again, deal with another inner sanctum receptionist, then deal with a technician when you get your X-rays, then visit the original dentist again and discuss what needs to be done, then you go back to the first floor and pay again, then you go talk to another receptionist and the original dentist again, then it’s lunchtime. After lunch you deal with an inner sanctum receptionist, then wait another two hours, then you go to another area, another inner sanctum receptionist and a dentist that specialized in deep cleaning without anesthesia, then go back and talk to the original dentist, then go back downstairs and pay again, then deal with a receptionist for another area, then wait, then you see the dentist that pulls your tooth, next you see the original dentist one more time, then you go back downstairs and pay again, finally going to a last section to pick up you your prescriptions. You arrive around 10:30 in the morning and you don’t leave until almost 6:00 pm. Well, maybe you don’t do all that, but I did. One can certainly make a day of one of the most unpleasant experiences mankind has created: paying a sadist to mouth-rape you.

 

                                   Dammit, I was wrong. A friend

                                   told me it was # 6. So, of course I

                                   researched it see if he was

                                   correct. There was a poll taken

                                   this year in which researchers

                                   asked the xenomorphs which was

                                   the preferred style of hat-

                                   wearing. Unfortunately, the

                                   researchers suffered a mortality

                                   rate of 100% and no data was

                                   compiled. So then, UCLA funded

                                   their xenomorphology

                                   department to observe them in

their natural habitat, at a

distance. There was only a 95%

mortality rate and some data was

compiled. After trying to

unsuccessfully impregnate the

hats repeatedly, it was shown

that the correct answer was indeed

# 6.

 

That statement actually had a hint of truth to it. I did write a friend and he thought my stuff was hilarious, at least at first. He gave me a lot of praise, and that made me feel good, like I wasn’t going crazy and being inappropriate, but it was actually humorous. So, that was cool. Unfortunately, he did stop writing me after my third entry. He is in a time zone sixteen hours from the one I am in, so in all fairness, he probably went to sleep. However, when he chatted again several days later, he didn’t bring it up again at all. So... who knows?

 

In addition to forwarding them to my friend in the US, I also forwarded the messages to my girlfriend and my mother. My girlfriend thought they were incredibly stupid and I was an immature idiot. My mother had a different take. She wrote me the next day and said that they were interesting. I don’t think that she got it at all. I assume that she actually thought I was attempting some deep analysis of the xenomorph and baseball caps.

 

                                   You know... I actually found fault

                                   with the term, “Natural Habitat.”

                                   Technically, as we learned from

                                   the film, Prometheus, the

                                   xenomorph is a biological

                                   weapon, not something evolved

                                   in nature at all. That really makes

me question UCLA’s research. I

think they have a bunch of pseudo

scientists in their

xenomorphology department.

 

We were at lunch at that point. When dealing with services in China, those people take a two-hour lunch break, so my girlfriend and I went out and ate, then later spent time in a nearby Starbucks until we could go back to the dental office.

 

I felt really bad for her. She didn’t need a cleaning or X-rays or anything, as that was her regular dentist and all she had to do was get her tooth pulled. She was able to get in and have her tooth pulled before lunch, whereas I had not. By the end of our lunch break her anesthesia had worn off and she was in some serious pain. Then, the poor girl had to follow me around all afternoon and translate. What a trooper.